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Blindsided by PPD_NOS diagnosis
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 215678" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Numina, don't let the label get to you. </p><p>You said, "I'm having trouble seeing his 'quirks' as a disorder."</p><p>Then don't. It's okay. I've raised my kids to see themselves as complete individuals, their diagnosis as simply a part of who they are. </p><p></p><p>I'm left-handed. I have green eyes. I'm good at maths, science, music and I love gardening. I'm a gifted writer. I'm not good at sport. I'm short-sighted.</p><p></p><p>difficult child 3 is right-handed. He's good at maths, science, music and computers. He's autistic. He likes people, loves to talk to anybody, has good self-esteem.</p><p></p><p>Do you see what I mean?</p><p></p><p>I got very angry with difficult child 3's scripture teacher years ago because she took difficult child 3 aside and prayed with him that his autism would be healed. She did it out of love for him, but totally did the wrong thing, in my book. Regardless of where your faith is, a child with autism doesn't understand the subtleties of prayer; it seems to be a magic wishing fairy for them, when the wish doesn't come true what will it do to his faith? And what sort of message does it send him, about his autism?</p><p></p><p>For our kids, autism is simply another part of who they are. It brings problems but it also brings gifts. It is not all negative, nor all positive. it just IS.</p><p></p><p>If you need to read something a bit more encouraging, Google Tony Attwood. He's written some good stuff about the positive side of a Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) diagnosis.</p><p></p><p>Now to your specific concerns - the picky eating, for instance. Chances are it's just another part of the Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD). It seems to be, for us. We dealt with it by encouraging him to try new foods but just a taste. Our line is, "You don't know you don't like it, you might be about to discover a new favourite. And you only need a tiny taste. You don't have to have any more than that."</p><p></p><p>This will only work if he trusts you to not cheat him and if he has enough courage. This takes time. No bullying, not too much pressure - just persuasion. Incentives and bribes if necessary.</p><p></p><p>You haven't got a sig yet so unless I search back through your posts, I'm not sure how old he is. The younger he is, the more difficult some of my suggestions will be, so temper what I say accordingly.</p><p></p><p>First - make a list of what he likes, and another list of what he doesn't like. Engage him in this exercise, make it clear to him that you are trying to find ways to help him eat as varied a diet as possible without having to eat food he really doesn't like. If you can and if he can understand it, explain to him about nutrition and good health. Make it a lesson and perhaps discuss food in general. Keep him calm and happy though, don't challenge him. (Read "Explosive Child" - similar techniques are in use here).</p><p></p><p>Second - look at the lists. Can you see anything in common? For difficult child 3, for example, the common factor has been creamy textures - he hates it. He won't eat gravy, sauces, cream (including frosting on cakes and filling). He's recently improved enough to have mayonnaise on his chicken sandwiches. For easy child 2/difficult child 2, she won't eat anything that has "bits" in it. So biscuits need to be plain, not nutty. If I make risotto I can't have anything in it other than rice, and stock. A casserole can have meat in it but any vegetables must be pureed and sieved. That's texture - now for flavour. difficult child 3 won't eat prawns. This means we also can rule out any other shrimp dishes, crab, lobster and similar. However, he does like calamari so chances are he will also like octopus. He recently tried smoked salmon, expecting to hate it, and found yet another food he really loves. Every time he makes a discovery like this it reinforced the good sense in taking risks and having a taste.</p><p></p><p>Third - when you're trying new foods, make sure that he only has to taste a tiny amount and have some food he likes at the ready so he can have the taste of something he likes in his mouth afterwards. Also make a point of other people having tastes of different foods, so he doesn't feel it's just him being made to have tastes. For example when husband & I are eating at a restaurant with difficult child 3, husband & I might share tastes of each other's meals. "Here, honey - taste this steak, it's really tender," husband might say. In turn I'll give him a taste of my grilled salmon. difficult child 3 gets a taste of each.</p><p></p><p>Fourth, if he is up to it - get him to explain what it is about the new food that he likes, and also anything about it that he doesn't like. Encourage him to describe the taste and/or texture of the new food. Even if he says he likes it, he shouldn't be expected to eat any more of it. I always make sure he always can have a meal of something he is prepared to eat. I know people can be critical of this and accuse me of pandering to his whims, but this is a fearful child who is terrified of being made to do something he dreads; by reassuring him and letting him have his choices, we've led him to where he now is much more willing to try new foods and to trust us when we say we think he might like it. And because he is now expressing what he likes and dislikes about each new food, we're learning more about why he has these fads and HE is improving his communication skills.</p><p></p><p>This isn't a kid trying to be difficult, or wanting everyone to run around after him to give him what he wants; it's a kid with genuine problems. Forcing him to eat something he really finds objectionable shouldn't be necessary, in this day and age. It's far easier these days to prepare for individual tastes. </p><p></p><p>I had a childhood where I had to eat what was put in front of me, and often what WAS put in front of me was not well-cooked and not great quality. My mother eventually had to compromise by allowing me to not eat meat - the meat she cooked is meat I still will not eat, to this day. She would try to hide problem ingredients in the food, and I was expert at detecting it. Maybe that is why to this day I have a perfumer's nose and can analyse a dish for its components. I found that if I had the chance to work things out for myself, I began to do better about trying new foods, once I could be sure of what food I was actually eating.</p><p></p><p>So for those who say, "Snap out of it, he will eat if he's really hungry," I say, "would you tell someone with depression to 'snap out of it'?" Yes, a child will eat if he's really hungry. A normal child. A Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) child may not. My kids are already skinny enough and very underweight. I am using every opportunity to get calories into difficult child 3, not to limit them.</p><p></p><p>If you have a Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) child, it can be challenging but it can also be wonderful. However, one thing is sure - you have to throw out the rule book and make your own, that work for you. Trust your own parental instincts and when you find something that works, use it.</p><p></p><p>Love your child, be positive and encourage your child rather than be negative and punish. Instead of saying, "Don't do this," instead say, "Honey - do that." Give your child time to change tasks, to get started or to finish. Show your child respect, even if he doesn't show respect to you. If you make the first change and set the example, he WILL follow in time.</p><p></p><p>Read "Explosive Child". It puts the control back into your hands, but subtly and in ways that help your child skip several stages of social maturity and development. It also works on PCs too. Your life as a parent should become easier, when you take from the book what feels right for you and begin to implement it. </p><p></p><p>You WILL get over the shock and find reasons to smile and laugh again. Keep a diary in the meantime, write down your feelings as well. It is important now, and later.</p><p></p><p>Keep us posted on how you get on. </p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 215678, member: 1991"] Numina, don't let the label get to you. You said, "I'm having trouble seeing his 'quirks' as a disorder." Then don't. It's okay. I've raised my kids to see themselves as complete individuals, their diagnosis as simply a part of who they are. I'm left-handed. I have green eyes. I'm good at maths, science, music and I love gardening. I'm a gifted writer. I'm not good at sport. I'm short-sighted. difficult child 3 is right-handed. He's good at maths, science, music and computers. He's autistic. He likes people, loves to talk to anybody, has good self-esteem. Do you see what I mean? I got very angry with difficult child 3's scripture teacher years ago because she took difficult child 3 aside and prayed with him that his autism would be healed. She did it out of love for him, but totally did the wrong thing, in my book. Regardless of where your faith is, a child with autism doesn't understand the subtleties of prayer; it seems to be a magic wishing fairy for them, when the wish doesn't come true what will it do to his faith? And what sort of message does it send him, about his autism? For our kids, autism is simply another part of who they are. It brings problems but it also brings gifts. It is not all negative, nor all positive. it just IS. If you need to read something a bit more encouraging, Google Tony Attwood. He's written some good stuff about the positive side of a Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) diagnosis. Now to your specific concerns - the picky eating, for instance. Chances are it's just another part of the Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD). It seems to be, for us. We dealt with it by encouraging him to try new foods but just a taste. Our line is, "You don't know you don't like it, you might be about to discover a new favourite. And you only need a tiny taste. You don't have to have any more than that." This will only work if he trusts you to not cheat him and if he has enough courage. This takes time. No bullying, not too much pressure - just persuasion. Incentives and bribes if necessary. You haven't got a sig yet so unless I search back through your posts, I'm not sure how old he is. The younger he is, the more difficult some of my suggestions will be, so temper what I say accordingly. First - make a list of what he likes, and another list of what he doesn't like. Engage him in this exercise, make it clear to him that you are trying to find ways to help him eat as varied a diet as possible without having to eat food he really doesn't like. If you can and if he can understand it, explain to him about nutrition and good health. Make it a lesson and perhaps discuss food in general. Keep him calm and happy though, don't challenge him. (Read "Explosive Child" - similar techniques are in use here). Second - look at the lists. Can you see anything in common? For difficult child 3, for example, the common factor has been creamy textures - he hates it. He won't eat gravy, sauces, cream (including frosting on cakes and filling). He's recently improved enough to have mayonnaise on his chicken sandwiches. For easy child 2/difficult child 2, she won't eat anything that has "bits" in it. So biscuits need to be plain, not nutty. If I make risotto I can't have anything in it other than rice, and stock. A casserole can have meat in it but any vegetables must be pureed and sieved. That's texture - now for flavour. difficult child 3 won't eat prawns. This means we also can rule out any other shrimp dishes, crab, lobster and similar. However, he does like calamari so chances are he will also like octopus. He recently tried smoked salmon, expecting to hate it, and found yet another food he really loves. Every time he makes a discovery like this it reinforced the good sense in taking risks and having a taste. Third - when you're trying new foods, make sure that he only has to taste a tiny amount and have some food he likes at the ready so he can have the taste of something he likes in his mouth afterwards. Also make a point of other people having tastes of different foods, so he doesn't feel it's just him being made to have tastes. For example when husband & I are eating at a restaurant with difficult child 3, husband & I might share tastes of each other's meals. "Here, honey - taste this steak, it's really tender," husband might say. In turn I'll give him a taste of my grilled salmon. difficult child 3 gets a taste of each. Fourth, if he is up to it - get him to explain what it is about the new food that he likes, and also anything about it that he doesn't like. Encourage him to describe the taste and/or texture of the new food. Even if he says he likes it, he shouldn't be expected to eat any more of it. I always make sure he always can have a meal of something he is prepared to eat. I know people can be critical of this and accuse me of pandering to his whims, but this is a fearful child who is terrified of being made to do something he dreads; by reassuring him and letting him have his choices, we've led him to where he now is much more willing to try new foods and to trust us when we say we think he might like it. And because he is now expressing what he likes and dislikes about each new food, we're learning more about why he has these fads and HE is improving his communication skills. This isn't a kid trying to be difficult, or wanting everyone to run around after him to give him what he wants; it's a kid with genuine problems. Forcing him to eat something he really finds objectionable shouldn't be necessary, in this day and age. It's far easier these days to prepare for individual tastes. I had a childhood where I had to eat what was put in front of me, and often what WAS put in front of me was not well-cooked and not great quality. My mother eventually had to compromise by allowing me to not eat meat - the meat she cooked is meat I still will not eat, to this day. She would try to hide problem ingredients in the food, and I was expert at detecting it. Maybe that is why to this day I have a perfumer's nose and can analyse a dish for its components. I found that if I had the chance to work things out for myself, I began to do better about trying new foods, once I could be sure of what food I was actually eating. So for those who say, "Snap out of it, he will eat if he's really hungry," I say, "would you tell someone with depression to 'snap out of it'?" Yes, a child will eat if he's really hungry. A normal child. A Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) child may not. My kids are already skinny enough and very underweight. I am using every opportunity to get calories into difficult child 3, not to limit them. If you have a Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) child, it can be challenging but it can also be wonderful. However, one thing is sure - you have to throw out the rule book and make your own, that work for you. Trust your own parental instincts and when you find something that works, use it. Love your child, be positive and encourage your child rather than be negative and punish. Instead of saying, "Don't do this," instead say, "Honey - do that." Give your child time to change tasks, to get started or to finish. Show your child respect, even if he doesn't show respect to you. If you make the first change and set the example, he WILL follow in time. Read "Explosive Child". It puts the control back into your hands, but subtly and in ways that help your child skip several stages of social maturity and development. It also works on PCs too. Your life as a parent should become easier, when you take from the book what feels right for you and begin to implement it. You WILL get over the shock and find reasons to smile and laugh again. Keep a diary in the meantime, write down your feelings as well. It is important now, and later. Keep us posted on how you get on. Marg [/QUOTE]
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