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<blockquote data-quote="slsh" data-source="post: 354157" data-attributes="member: 8"><p>I need to preface this by saying I had a really intense response - a wave of anger - when I read your post. That letter is something I could easily see getting from my difficult child, and I think I would waste about a nanosecond on it. It is far easier to blame parents than take responsibility for one's own actions. What on earth more could you have possibly done to show your son "unconditional love"? </p><p></p><p>First off, Katya, in my humble opinion, difficult child doesn't get to dictate where you can and cannot get support from. I know that if/when I receive hurtful messages from my difficult child, husband is the absolute first place I go. Let's face it, our partners are sometimes the only ones who really get it. They've been there. They've seen it, lived it. What strikes me is how incredibly manipulative it is for your difficult child to dump on you, but then tell you you have no rights to comment or seek support, must only feel pain, because you don't have the "privilege" of sharing the info with- husband??? You have got to be kidding me. That is such divide-and-conquer kind of behavior, manipulative to the very core, and quite frankly nothing but abusive to you <u>if you allow him to dictate</u> what you can/can't feel and who you can/can't commiserate with. </p><p></p><p>Needless to say, I'd share with- husband in a heartbeat, out of self-preservation. The trust between you and husband is *far* more important in my book that respecting difficult child's wishes. You are going to have to keep on living with- husband. And truly, I really feel that difficult child's "wishes" have more to do with power and control than anything kinder or more genuine.</p><p></p><p>As far as his harsh words for you... do you believe them? Do they even remotely ring true?</p><p></p><p>Our kids have distorted perceptions of reality, some more so than others. For some of them, nothing would be enough. Maybe I've gotten too hard, after years of listening to snippets of your son's letter come out of my son's mouth. We do the very best that we can. Perfect? Not by a long shot. But to this day, I don't know what more I could have done. And on those days when my difficult child decides it's time to blame me for all that is wrong in his world, I just tell him I'm truly sorry he feels that way and I hope that he will be able to fix it.</p><p></p><p>I'm so very sorry, Katya. I simply cannot comprehend the intention infliction of pain on someone else - it's so utterly pointless. And really, from what you've said, that was the sole purpose of his letter - to cause you pain. </p><p></p><p>Tear the letter up, go let your husband console you, and go hug/talk with- your other kids.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="slsh, post: 354157, member: 8"] I need to preface this by saying I had a really intense response - a wave of anger - when I read your post. That letter is something I could easily see getting from my difficult child, and I think I would waste about a nanosecond on it. It is far easier to blame parents than take responsibility for one's own actions. What on earth more could you have possibly done to show your son "unconditional love"? First off, Katya, in my humble opinion, difficult child doesn't get to dictate where you can and cannot get support from. I know that if/when I receive hurtful messages from my difficult child, husband is the absolute first place I go. Let's face it, our partners are sometimes the only ones who really get it. They've been there. They've seen it, lived it. What strikes me is how incredibly manipulative it is for your difficult child to dump on you, but then tell you you have no rights to comment or seek support, must only feel pain, because you don't have the "privilege" of sharing the info with- husband??? You have got to be kidding me. That is such divide-and-conquer kind of behavior, manipulative to the very core, and quite frankly nothing but abusive to you [U]if you allow him to dictate[/U] what you can/can't feel and who you can/can't commiserate with. Needless to say, I'd share with- husband in a heartbeat, out of self-preservation. The trust between you and husband is *far* more important in my book that respecting difficult child's wishes. You are going to have to keep on living with- husband. And truly, I really feel that difficult child's "wishes" have more to do with power and control than anything kinder or more genuine. As far as his harsh words for you... do you believe them? Do they even remotely ring true? Our kids have distorted perceptions of reality, some more so than others. For some of them, nothing would be enough. Maybe I've gotten too hard, after years of listening to snippets of your son's letter come out of my son's mouth. We do the very best that we can. Perfect? Not by a long shot. But to this day, I don't know what more I could have done. And on those days when my difficult child decides it's time to blame me for all that is wrong in his world, I just tell him I'm truly sorry he feels that way and I hope that he will be able to fix it. I'm so very sorry, Katya. I simply cannot comprehend the intention infliction of pain on someone else - it's so utterly pointless. And really, from what you've said, that was the sole purpose of his letter - to cause you pain. Tear the letter up, go let your husband console you, and go hug/talk with- your other kids. [/QUOTE]
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