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<blockquote data-quote="slsh" data-source="post: 354183" data-attributes="member: 8"><p>Honestly, Katya... boy oh boy. Lots of thoughts running thru my head.</p><p></p><p>Sigh... He's really made a mess of this. *He's* really made a mess of this, Katya. None of this is on you or how you raised him or the choices you made as a parent. How arrogant (but if I recall correctly, fairly age appropriate) that he would presume to gauge who suffered more. I believe the quote in my signature with all my heart. There's no absolute measure of who suffers more or worse - it's all relative. Something he'll figure out someday.</p><p></p><p>Parenthood is not for the faint of heart. <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite2" alt=";)" title="Wink ;)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=";)" /></p><p></p><p>So, after all is said and done, I think you've got a kiddo who is hurting badly and who has unfortunately adopted a strategy of the best defense is a good offense and who really knows how to go for the jugular. I have to wonder if he's anticipated the family response and built it to such a negative thing in his mind that he's just completely forgotten who you all really are. Because I'm not picking up vibes of "not my son" from you. </p><p></p><p>So... can you reach out to him, with love and forgiveness and good counsel? It sounds like there are so many issues here, really. First and foremost, I would allay his fears of rejection (again, assuming I'm picking up your response correctly) and reinforce that unconditional love, in spite of the fact that he just hit you with an emotional nuclear bomb (and I'd tell him that, too).</p><p></p><p>I would caution him against going after his siblings in the same tone - just my experience watching my own kids, but they seem to be less able to deal with- this type of emotional warfare and far less willing to forgive. I think sibling bridges are much easier to burn. And really there's no point in it.</p><p></p><p>I would ask how I could help him. What does he want, truly want, after you get thru all this barbed wire that he's thrown up?</p><p></p><p>And I would let him know, as gently as I could manage, that he does not have the experience nor the right to dictate your emotional response to his diatribe. It would be like you telling *him* he can't be angry because he has a difficult child sibling, or he's gay, or he had to go to church, or whatever else is fueling his fire. It's a 2-way street and quite frankly, he needs to grow up a bit. </p><p></p><p>My heart is with you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="slsh, post: 354183, member: 8"] Honestly, Katya... boy oh boy. Lots of thoughts running thru my head. Sigh... He's really made a mess of this. *He's* really made a mess of this, Katya. None of this is on you or how you raised him or the choices you made as a parent. How arrogant (but if I recall correctly, fairly age appropriate) that he would presume to gauge who suffered more. I believe the quote in my signature with all my heart. There's no absolute measure of who suffers more or worse - it's all relative. Something he'll figure out someday. Parenthood is not for the faint of heart. :winking: So, after all is said and done, I think you've got a kiddo who is hurting badly and who has unfortunately adopted a strategy of the best defense is a good offense and who really knows how to go for the jugular. I have to wonder if he's anticipated the family response and built it to such a negative thing in his mind that he's just completely forgotten who you all really are. Because I'm not picking up vibes of "not my son" from you. So... can you reach out to him, with love and forgiveness and good counsel? It sounds like there are so many issues here, really. First and foremost, I would allay his fears of rejection (again, assuming I'm picking up your response correctly) and reinforce that unconditional love, in spite of the fact that he just hit you with an emotional nuclear bomb (and I'd tell him that, too). I would caution him against going after his siblings in the same tone - just my experience watching my own kids, but they seem to be less able to deal with- this type of emotional warfare and far less willing to forgive. I think sibling bridges are much easier to burn. And really there's no point in it. I would ask how I could help him. What does he want, truly want, after you get thru all this barbed wire that he's thrown up? And I would let him know, as gently as I could manage, that he does not have the experience nor the right to dictate your emotional response to his diatribe. It would be like you telling *him* he can't be angry because he has a difficult child sibling, or he's gay, or he had to go to church, or whatever else is fueling his fire. It's a 2-way street and quite frankly, he needs to grow up a bit. My heart is with you. [/QUOTE]
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