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<blockquote data-quote="katya02" data-source="post: 354241" data-attributes="member: 2884"><p>Marg, that is <strong>exactly</strong> what has been in my mind - that difficult child 2 has had coaching in writing his letter. I have no doubt he's found support at university and, as you say, I think it's fairly likely he would run into some people who would have their own agendas, their own rage to project, and their own ideas about him needing to cut off his family. I think he wrote the actual letter except for a couple of sentences that don't sound quite like him. I wish I could point out that others who offer support may have their own issues/agendas, but that will not be well received. On the other hand, nothing may be well received. I do feel set up as the scapegoat for his 'reasons' to cut us all off; I'm sure there will be a similar letter to husband that will tend to lead to hurt and confrontation, giving difficult child 2 the excuse to say his family is terrible. Someone, somewhere, wants this. I agree.</p><p></p><p>I have apologized to difficult child 2, extensively, for causing him pain. No matter what my perception of his past, if he feels pain I accept that and am sorry for my role in causing it. He told me an apology doesn't matter - he has forgiven already - but he needed me to know his entire story and suffering; he needed me to share his pain. That's where he loses me. No one else can live your pain exactly; I have never tried to force anyone, least of all my mother, to 'experience' the pain of my childhood, for example. That is particular to my experience. Knowing that he wasn't seeking acknowledgement and apology, but only wanted to be sure I felt his pain, has really made it hard to feel kindly toward him. Indeed, whatever hurt I gave him in years past was never intended; this letter of his was meant to cause pain, probably meant to cause an explosion that would let him feel justified in walking away. </p><p></p><p>WM, difficult child 2 just finished sophomore year and has a four-year full tuition scholarship; however, it only covers about half his expenses as living, activities, and all the hundreds of extra charges the university thinks up are not covered by the scholarship. In addition, we have sent difficult child 2 on one summer study course and he expects to study abroad at some point as well as live elsewhere at our expense during at least one summer while doing an internship with a company. He also wants to do a fifth year that will not be covered by his scholarship, so we would be footing the bill for all costs that year. His statement on the phone that he had considered just waiting until he was done and then having a huge rant and never speaking to us again made me ANGRY - that he would just use us to fund his degree while planning to walk away as soon as it was done. He does have a huge sense of entitlement. He throws difficult child 1 in my face frequently, comparing himself favorably and then pointing out that we haven't done as much for him as for difficult child 1 who has given so much trouble; he also is very jealous of easy child 1 and tells me everything we do is for easy child 1. I feel that nothing we do, no matter how much, will ever be enough to calm his sense of grievance and resentment.</p><p></p><p>I have talked to my husband and daughter this morning; neither has received a letter yet. I shared with them that difficult child 2 had sent me a letter that caused me pain; that he blames me for his religious upbringing and for his emotional pain; that he doesn't want me to share that I have received his letter, but he intends to send letters to everyone in the family. I told them I just wanted them to have some preparation and to feel free to talk once they get their letters. daughter has a lot of anger at difficult child 2 due to his ongoing criticism of her, and I think she will be all right; husband raised an eyebrow at me and shook his head. I think he has a perfectly good idea of what's coming. He said he can't tell difficult child 2 what to feel, and if he feels pain or resentment, then he feels it; he will see what his letter says. </p><p></p><p>I appreciate all of your comments so much ... I'm sorry not to be answering each letter, but I have read and keep rereading them all and they are all incredibly helpful. Your thoughts and support have put me back on my feet emotionally and I am gaining much better perspective. difficult child 2 certainly knows where to strike to hurt and that was all I could focus on before; but with him coming home so soon (he actually wants me to drive to his college tonight, ninety miles each way, to bring him the pillows he forgot after spring break, as he has neck pain with his borrowed pillow - I may see him tonight with husband) I need to have my thoughts in order. You are all right - he needs to show us some basic respect and civility in this. There need be no terrible confrontation because neither husband nor I is going to reject him over his orientation. But difficult child 2 could still bring about a family fracture by projecting his rage onto all of us. I hope not.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="katya02, post: 354241, member: 2884"] Marg, that is [B]exactly[/B] what has been in my mind - that difficult child 2 has had coaching in writing his letter. I have no doubt he's found support at university and, as you say, I think it's fairly likely he would run into some people who would have their own agendas, their own rage to project, and their own ideas about him needing to cut off his family. I think he wrote the actual letter except for a couple of sentences that don't sound quite like him. I wish I could point out that others who offer support may have their own issues/agendas, but that will not be well received. On the other hand, nothing may be well received. I do feel set up as the scapegoat for his 'reasons' to cut us all off; I'm sure there will be a similar letter to husband that will tend to lead to hurt and confrontation, giving difficult child 2 the excuse to say his family is terrible. Someone, somewhere, wants this. I agree. I have apologized to difficult child 2, extensively, for causing him pain. No matter what my perception of his past, if he feels pain I accept that and am sorry for my role in causing it. He told me an apology doesn't matter - he has forgiven already - but he needed me to know his entire story and suffering; he needed me to share his pain. That's where he loses me. No one else can live your pain exactly; I have never tried to force anyone, least of all my mother, to 'experience' the pain of my childhood, for example. That is particular to my experience. Knowing that he wasn't seeking acknowledgement and apology, but only wanted to be sure I felt his pain, has really made it hard to feel kindly toward him. Indeed, whatever hurt I gave him in years past was never intended; this letter of his was meant to cause pain, probably meant to cause an explosion that would let him feel justified in walking away. WM, difficult child 2 just finished sophomore year and has a four-year full tuition scholarship; however, it only covers about half his expenses as living, activities, and all the hundreds of extra charges the university thinks up are not covered by the scholarship. In addition, we have sent difficult child 2 on one summer study course and he expects to study abroad at some point as well as live elsewhere at our expense during at least one summer while doing an internship with a company. He also wants to do a fifth year that will not be covered by his scholarship, so we would be footing the bill for all costs that year. His statement on the phone that he had considered just waiting until he was done and then having a huge rant and never speaking to us again made me ANGRY - that he would just use us to fund his degree while planning to walk away as soon as it was done. He does have a huge sense of entitlement. He throws difficult child 1 in my face frequently, comparing himself favorably and then pointing out that we haven't done as much for him as for difficult child 1 who has given so much trouble; he also is very jealous of easy child 1 and tells me everything we do is for easy child 1. I feel that nothing we do, no matter how much, will ever be enough to calm his sense of grievance and resentment. I have talked to my husband and daughter this morning; neither has received a letter yet. I shared with them that difficult child 2 had sent me a letter that caused me pain; that he blames me for his religious upbringing and for his emotional pain; that he doesn't want me to share that I have received his letter, but he intends to send letters to everyone in the family. I told them I just wanted them to have some preparation and to feel free to talk once they get their letters. daughter has a lot of anger at difficult child 2 due to his ongoing criticism of her, and I think she will be all right; husband raised an eyebrow at me and shook his head. I think he has a perfectly good idea of what's coming. He said he can't tell difficult child 2 what to feel, and if he feels pain or resentment, then he feels it; he will see what his letter says. I appreciate all of your comments so much ... I'm sorry not to be answering each letter, but I have read and keep rereading them all and they are all incredibly helpful. Your thoughts and support have put me back on my feet emotionally and I am gaining much better perspective. difficult child 2 certainly knows where to strike to hurt and that was all I could focus on before; but with him coming home so soon (he actually wants me to drive to his college tonight, ninety miles each way, to bring him the pillows he forgot after spring break, as he has neck pain with his borrowed pillow - I may see him tonight with husband) I need to have my thoughts in order. You are all right - he needs to show us some basic respect and civility in this. There need be no terrible confrontation because neither husband nor I is going to reject him over his orientation. But difficult child 2 could still bring about a family fracture by projecting his rage onto all of us. I hope not. [/QUOTE]
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