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<blockquote data-quote="Allan-Matlem" data-source="post: 488505" data-attributes="member: 10"><p>Very unsupportive and negative family dynamics , lots of power play , trying to teach others a lesson.</p><p></p><p>When we try to teach some one a lesson , what matters is not the lesson we think we are teaching but the actual message - what the kid , person is learning. The kid got the message - ridicule, lack of support etc and is now angry. In family relationships the question is not who is right, wrong, justified - it is about people seeing other's perspectives, concerns etc and finding mutually satisfying solutions - not easy -. Forget the blame . As some one said - you have to decide if you want to be right or happy. CPS - collaborative problem solving helps to get people talking because we first focus on the concerns of others , the kid etc When he feels listened to and understood he will be more open to hear other perspectives. It helps if people apologize and show readiness to look for a new game plan.</p><p></p><p>nephew needs someone who can help him create a vision for the future - his 'possible self ', start working on his pile of unsolved problems and buiding relationships with positive people.</p><p></p><p>He needs to deal with life from a different place. Even if he is a 100% justified in being angry with his family, his anger will work against him. Anger places the locus of responsibility on the other and gets in the way in making a life for oneself</p><p></p><p>Allan</p><p>Parenting is Learning</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Allan-Matlem, post: 488505, member: 10"] Very unsupportive and negative family dynamics , lots of power play , trying to teach others a lesson. When we try to teach some one a lesson , what matters is not the lesson we think we are teaching but the actual message - what the kid , person is learning. The kid got the message - ridicule, lack of support etc and is now angry. In family relationships the question is not who is right, wrong, justified - it is about people seeing other's perspectives, concerns etc and finding mutually satisfying solutions - not easy -. Forget the blame . As some one said - you have to decide if you want to be right or happy. CPS - collaborative problem solving helps to get people talking because we first focus on the concerns of others , the kid etc When he feels listened to and understood he will be more open to hear other perspectives. It helps if people apologize and show readiness to look for a new game plan. nephew needs someone who can help him create a vision for the future - his 'possible self ', start working on his pile of unsolved problems and buiding relationships with positive people. He needs to deal with life from a different place. Even if he is a 100% justified in being angry with his family, his anger will work against him. Anger places the locus of responsibility on the other and gets in the way in making a life for oneself Allan Parenting is Learning [/QUOTE]
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