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Boundaries: non existant in her world, will that EVER change???
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 585850" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>If nothing else works, at some point she will go too far out in public and end up arrested. I don't know if that will change anything though. But you should probably work to prepare yourself for something like that.</p><p></p><p>I think your signature is way out of date (been there done that a few times myself), and if her brother is around 12 now, he behavior can have a HUGE impact on him. I personally haveno real problem with nudity but I do with the sort of sexual behavior that you are descrbing in the home. I don't think we should be ashamed of our bodies or freak if our kids see us nude by accdent, but I don't think wandering around in highly sexual/revealing/inappropriate for being out in public clothing is a big problem. J has pushed the boundary of too revealing a few times. She didn't stop when told to, but when I started snipping the ties/straps/sides/whatever-holds-it-together-on-your-body part she started covering up more. I dont' eally care if I don't see it, not does the rest of the famly, bbut if I do? MY standards in MY house. Period. And no, NOT her father's standards. He is WAY too easily befuddled by her 'reasoning' for why something is okay (and he has been since she was about 18 mos, sigh.) so they BOTH know that he is not allowed to set or change standards. </p><p></p><p>If she is living in your home, your rules are the rules. Period. This means if she wants to wear those items she can go get her own apartment, pay ehr rent and bills and buy all the inappropriate clothing she wants. In your home? Start cutting them up. Do NOT replace them, reason with her, argue or otherwise even comment. When one of my kids asks if I know what happened to a clothing item that I feel is inappropriate, I don't say I did or didn't destroy it. Usually I say "isn't that interesting" as I go about whatever I was doing and not paying attention tothem. They have figured out it means they were warned it wasn't okay and didn't listen. </p><p></p><p>If she has nothing to wear because you cut up her clothing, go to a thrift store and get 1 week of outfits that fit YOUR standards. She modifies them? You wreck them and don't fix or replace them. She can stay in her room while everyone else is awake until she figures out how to get appropriate clothings. </p><p></p><p>Given your son's age, there is the risk that if CPS saw her dressing an behiaving inappropriately it could cause real problems for you. It is a big deal here when a boy or girl entering puberty has an adult around them who is behaving inappropriately in sexual ways. </p><p></p><p>As far as how she will deal with a job? Until she needs one to survive, she won't cope with one. Why change unless you are truly uncomfortable/unhappy with the way things are? There are a LOT of people with bipolar, borderline personality disorder and many other types of mental and physical illnesses who have to find work and figure out how to do it well enough to keep the job or they end up cold and hungry. I truly am NOT throwing stones at you for helping her. I don't know if she works or not, or if her situation is bad enough that you should have her apply for social security and then find a supported living situation. I just think that worrying how she will cope iwth a job is only going to make the situation seem more hopeless - TO YOU. She needs to be the one worrying about how she will cope with life when she has to pay bills, keep a job, etc.... You already know how to do all that stuff, Know what I mean?? Sometimes when we realize that we are worrying/working more to help someone than they are, it is a big sign telling us to STOP, back off, and taper the help we are giving so that our 'helpee' is uncomfortable enough to take some action.Of course that is far easier to say than to do. sigh.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 585850, member: 1233"] If nothing else works, at some point she will go too far out in public and end up arrested. I don't know if that will change anything though. But you should probably work to prepare yourself for something like that. I think your signature is way out of date (been there done that a few times myself), and if her brother is around 12 now, he behavior can have a HUGE impact on him. I personally haveno real problem with nudity but I do with the sort of sexual behavior that you are descrbing in the home. I don't think we should be ashamed of our bodies or freak if our kids see us nude by accdent, but I don't think wandering around in highly sexual/revealing/inappropriate for being out in public clothing is a big problem. J has pushed the boundary of too revealing a few times. She didn't stop when told to, but when I started snipping the ties/straps/sides/whatever-holds-it-together-on-your-body part she started covering up more. I dont' eally care if I don't see it, not does the rest of the famly, bbut if I do? MY standards in MY house. Period. And no, NOT her father's standards. He is WAY too easily befuddled by her 'reasoning' for why something is okay (and he has been since she was about 18 mos, sigh.) so they BOTH know that he is not allowed to set or change standards. If she is living in your home, your rules are the rules. Period. This means if she wants to wear those items she can go get her own apartment, pay ehr rent and bills and buy all the inappropriate clothing she wants. In your home? Start cutting them up. Do NOT replace them, reason with her, argue or otherwise even comment. When one of my kids asks if I know what happened to a clothing item that I feel is inappropriate, I don't say I did or didn't destroy it. Usually I say "isn't that interesting" as I go about whatever I was doing and not paying attention tothem. They have figured out it means they were warned it wasn't okay and didn't listen. If she has nothing to wear because you cut up her clothing, go to a thrift store and get 1 week of outfits that fit YOUR standards. She modifies them? You wreck them and don't fix or replace them. She can stay in her room while everyone else is awake until she figures out how to get appropriate clothings. Given your son's age, there is the risk that if CPS saw her dressing an behiaving inappropriately it could cause real problems for you. It is a big deal here when a boy or girl entering puberty has an adult around them who is behaving inappropriately in sexual ways. As far as how she will deal with a job? Until she needs one to survive, she won't cope with one. Why change unless you are truly uncomfortable/unhappy with the way things are? There are a LOT of people with bipolar, borderline personality disorder and many other types of mental and physical illnesses who have to find work and figure out how to do it well enough to keep the job or they end up cold and hungry. I truly am NOT throwing stones at you for helping her. I don't know if she works or not, or if her situation is bad enough that you should have her apply for social security and then find a supported living situation. I just think that worrying how she will cope iwth a job is only going to make the situation seem more hopeless - TO YOU. She needs to be the one worrying about how she will cope with life when she has to pay bills, keep a job, etc.... You already know how to do all that stuff, Know what I mean?? Sometimes when we realize that we are worrying/working more to help someone than they are, it is a big sign telling us to STOP, back off, and taper the help we are giving so that our 'helpee' is uncomfortable enough to take some action.Of course that is far easier to say than to do. sigh. [/QUOTE]
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Boundaries: non existant in her world, will that EVER change???
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