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Broken and despairing. Bereft. No hope left.
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 702877" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Well, here you all described the difference between inner directed and outer directed and to what we attribute our success or our failures. Attribution theory. I cannot remember the specifics.</p><p></p><p>Our kids most of them, see themselves as inner directed. In fact, they demand this. They claim their successes: Yes, they rail: <em>I will do it my way</em>. Until it doesn't work. But they externalize their failures-- circumstances, accidents, are responsible. Not them. Others. There is little or no learning if one cannot accept and review ones failures or errors.</p><p></p><p>I believe our kids want much of what we want for them: comfort, security, esteem. I just think they see it is the responsibility of others to provide it, or to make it easy for them--and to ensure that they get it whether they do anything, or not. There is a disconnect between their sense of entitlement and their efforts. Over and over again my son does this.</p><p></p><p>Because he sees the responsibility as being in others--for him--and himself, as minimally responsible if at all--the situation at its basis stays the same. Today he blamed the cat. Yes. None of this would have happened if not for the cat, Stella.</p><p></p><p>My son does sometimes comply. But minimally. And only a minute before midnight when he sees the cost to himself of not complying. He sees not at all, and seems to care even less, what are the effects to anybody else of his choices.</p><p></p><p>In this way he forces people in his orbit to defend themselves from him.</p><p>You know, Lil, my son has changed some. But very, very slowly. The working for us, is something. He did stop the marijuana, finally. For a little while. Whether he would have continued abstinence, who knows. Is it abstinence, really, If it is forced? He is not violent anymore and less impulsive. His moods are more stable.</p><p></p><p>But the thing is that I recognize that as long as he is near to me, I remain in his own head (and probably In my own), as the responsible one, the driver, the power that he can resist and oppose, and undermine covertly. There was a wonderful book I read many years ago called <u>The powers of the Weak,</u> that spoke about disempowered groups, historically and contemporaneous ones, and how they assert their rights. Very, very sneakily, and destructively. That is my son. Now.</p><p></p><p>This is our situation with our kids if we maintain support and proximity. They covertly assert their will to gain what they want-even if it is only to oppose, and prevail--even if it is against their own interests to do so. They want the power that they deserve as autonomous adults. They will subvert us, if necessary to maintain it. Biting the hand that feeds them.</p><p></p><p>We as if force them, to assert their power covertly, <u>if we maintain them in this dependent position</u>. I know all of this intellectually. Just, I cannot accept it easily emotionally. There is as if some part of me, still, that would rather destroy us both--rather than let go.</p><p></p><p>I do not want to see my son fall. Even if I am the one that contributes to it, apparently.</p><p>In my son's case there is some kind of moral self-abnegation that he is practicing due to the circumstances of his birth and birth parents.</p><p></p><p>In this I agree with him: his issues are as much or more spiritual than psychological. But even more so, there is no room for a mother in a spiritual struggle or quest.</p><p></p><p>My son has contempt for me. He does not respect me. He mouths respect for M but it is contingent. More and more the resentment is there closer to the surface towards each of us. M is worn out. He used to fight for my son. He is not doing so now. But he wants me to make the decision 100 percent. I am in despair.</p><p></p><p>Thank you for your support everybody. We are all of us, it seems, thinking of this in the same way. And yet, I am still uncertain what I will do. I feel so very weak and helpless and defeated.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 702877, member: 18958"] Well, here you all described the difference between inner directed and outer directed and to what we attribute our success or our failures. Attribution theory. I cannot remember the specifics. Our kids most of them, see themselves as inner directed. In fact, they demand this. They claim their successes: Yes, they rail: [I]I will do it my way[/I]. Until it doesn't work. But they externalize their failures-- circumstances, accidents, are responsible. Not them. Others. There is little or no learning if one cannot accept and review ones failures or errors. I believe our kids want much of what we want for them: comfort, security, esteem. I just think they see it is the responsibility of others to provide it, or to make it easy for them--and to ensure that they get it whether they do anything, or not. There is a disconnect between their sense of entitlement and their efforts. Over and over again my son does this. Because he sees the responsibility as being in others--for him--and himself, as minimally responsible if at all--the situation at its basis stays the same. Today he blamed the cat. Yes. None of this would have happened if not for the cat, Stella. My son does sometimes comply. But minimally. And only a minute before midnight when he sees the cost to himself of not complying. He sees not at all, and seems to care even less, what are the effects to anybody else of his choices. In this way he forces people in his orbit to defend themselves from him. You know, Lil, my son has changed some. But very, very slowly. The working for us, is something. He did stop the marijuana, finally. For a little while. Whether he would have continued abstinence, who knows. Is it abstinence, really, If it is forced? He is not violent anymore and less impulsive. His moods are more stable. But the thing is that I recognize that as long as he is near to me, I remain in his own head (and probably In my own), as the responsible one, the driver, the power that he can resist and oppose, and undermine covertly. There was a wonderful book I read many years ago called [U]The powers of the Weak,[/U] that spoke about disempowered groups, historically and contemporaneous ones, and how they assert their rights. Very, very sneakily, and destructively. That is my son. Now. This is our situation with our kids if we maintain support and proximity. They covertly assert their will to gain what they want-even if it is only to oppose, and prevail--even if it is against their own interests to do so. They want the power that they deserve as autonomous adults. They will subvert us, if necessary to maintain it. Biting the hand that feeds them. We as if force them, to assert their power covertly, [U]if we maintain them in this dependent position[/U]. I know all of this intellectually. Just, I cannot accept it easily emotionally. There is as if some part of me, still, that would rather destroy us both--rather than let go. I do not want to see my son fall. Even if I am the one that contributes to it, apparently. In my son's case there is some kind of moral self-abnegation that he is practicing due to the circumstances of his birth and birth parents. In this I agree with him: his issues are as much or more spiritual than psychological. But even more so, there is no room for a mother in a spiritual struggle or quest. My son has contempt for me. He does not respect me. He mouths respect for M but it is contingent. More and more the resentment is there closer to the surface towards each of us. M is worn out. He used to fight for my son. He is not doing so now. But he wants me to make the decision 100 percent. I am in despair. Thank you for your support everybody. We are all of us, it seems, thinking of this in the same way. And yet, I am still uncertain what I will do. I feel so very weak and helpless and defeated. [/QUOTE]
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