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Broken and despairing. Bereft. No hope left.
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 702924" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Thank you very much RE. Where I respond to your emancipatory voyage, is below. First, to the mundane. But before I get to it there is this:This is such a beautiful way to put it. Most of the time it either feels like a ball and chain or a hair shirt. Or like I am in a lunatic asylum and I am the patient. I like the reframe. I just do not see myself in it.</p><p></p><p>Had you written desperate, screaming Mimi, with wild hair and her stained flannel nightgown, trying to fit under her bed to hid (with CNN droning on in the background)--but not fitting anymore due to unfortunate weight gain, I would have recognized myself. You know some family members of M cared for the animals 2 times (different people) and our good jewelry, watches, sunglasses disappeared (I did not realize it for some time.) I miss my 18k gold hoop earrings which were my faithful friends when I was in Argentina and Brasil. How I loved them.</p><p></p><p>My son will not steal. And he loves the animals. He has shown his devotion and care to them.</p><p></p><p>But, as I read this, I realize I want nobody in my house. Except for perhaps a bonded pet sitter and I wonder if there is such a person in my area. I live in the boonies. Yes. I think this is a good idea. Except my son is not a self-starter and has few skills that would enable him to do this. While he has been helping M for the past 9 or 10 months, he has been doing the jobs M had his own kids doing when they were little--he can paint, though.</p><p></p><p>The apartment is a separate almost 800 sq ft building over a detached garage on the alley. It is completely apart--I would say almost 50 feet. It has its own address, too. So he could find his own roommate (there are 2 bedrooms). Would I just let him find who he wanted to live with, or not? Would I have a right to request drug testing (for my son) or is this illegal? Does anybody know? Even if I do not charge rent? Would I charge rent?</p><p>Except there is that primal scream in response to the need to do this. I mean <em><strong><u>why should I have to detach from the person I love most in the world?</u></strong></em></p><p></p><p>So here we embark on our journey!!</p><p></p><p>When I read about your (and husband's) quest I felt so excited for you too!! And it made me feel more secure in the reality of our own dreams.</p><p>RE. I hope you share with us some of your ideas, and of your hopes and aspirations for traveling. Will you look for a second residence? Or take to the road? Do you plan on leaving the country?</p><p></p><p>Our plans have been to go back East to certain large cities where the cost of living is lower than CA large Cities where I am now priced out. We would like to check out places like Cleveland, Newark, maybe even Detroit. I want to go where there is a large Jewish population because I am very much returning to my faith. Also, I want to go where there is an artistic community. And restaurants and movie theaters and outside community spaces. Community would be nice! While I love aspects of where I live (I love being in a diverse, largely working class community) I am more than that, too.</p><p></p><p>RE have you thought about what it is you seek for yourself, as you travel? Is it something that is missing, like for me, or is it something that you seek? Or is it the very process of shedding skin and being open to what comes? Kind of almost a surrender, by letting go? How exciting is this!</p><p></p><p>Actually part of our travel situation is an unpleasant reality. You may remember M is undocumented. While he is sanguine for the most part, I have been deeply destabilized as our new reality sinks in.</p><p></p><p>I have long wanted to live abroad (and I did for several years and loved it.) But to be forced to leave is a different thing altogether. Where would we go together? There is no agreement. Or would we go from place to place? Or separate? Who knows?</p><p></p><p>M is sensitive to political situations. We could both go to Argentina, for example, which I love. But the pesky political and economic problems bother M (and me, not at all.) Same thing about the corruption and strife in Brasil where I lived. (It would not bother me a bit. Because it is not personal <em>to me.</em></p><p></p><p>But I do not know where in the world, now, is exempt from uncertainty, and strife and chaos, except perhaps Australia/New Zealand, places that would not be my first choices.</p><p></p><p>What would you and your husband like to do, RE?</p><p>RE. I hope you share with us some of your ideas, and of your hopes and aspirations for traveling. Will you look for a second residence? Or take to the road? Do you plan on leaving the country?</p><p></p><p>I have been very scared lately <em>for good reason. M has not committed any crimes. He has been back and forth to the States legally for more than 30 years. He has been here continuously 12 years and has citizen siblings. His father is a permanent resident and he is here in the States, now.</em></p><p></p><p>But I can see how, now, for him everything has changed. And now for me, too. As I write this I can see why the last week has been so de-stabilizing for me. Largely, I did not acknowledge it.</p><p></p><p>The following is a digression. Jump one paragraph, if you wish: The voices against undocumented people's presence here in our country I deeply understand. I empathize too. Because despite the changing I did in my lifetime I am a working class person, of working class parents and grandparents. I care so deeply about my people in Michigan, Pennsylvania. In Wisconsin and Ohio. Appalachia and the South. I care deeply too about both side of the Culture Wars. These are issues we have to work out as a family. Inclusion and deeply held moral beliefs. I hope we can keep in mind the love and responsibility in the human family. CD is a model for doing so. We are so humane in our differences here, nearly always remembering the grief and love and responsibility and morality that unites us. Regardless of who we are on the surface of things: geographically, ethnically, politically, culturally, and all the rest of it.</p><p></p><p>None of this is a political statement. Only the acknowledgement that I (we) are affected by the political as much as we can affect it. All of this means that there could well be a great deal of chaos and discord here for a long time, in our society and our world. Although in a way I welcome it, but I fear it too. We cannot leave the country because M could be arrested by ICE as he leaves, and because once left, he could not return. (Forgive me, people. I am not asking for either understanding or pity. It is only a reality that is affecting our lives. Everything in his life was already in place when I met him. We are only have to deal with it.</p><p></p><p>Thank you everybody for your support. I am feeling so much better today, because of it. M thinks my son has left, but I looked in his closet and I saw his Pandeiro (Brasilian musical instrument.) Maybe it is here for safekeeping, and he has left. That is still good. His phone is broken and I will have no way to contact him, if he is gone. That something of him/his is left, I will have solace.</p><p></p><p>Thank you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 702924, member: 18958"] Thank you very much RE. Where I respond to your emancipatory voyage, is below. First, to the mundane. But before I get to it there is this:This is such a beautiful way to put it. Most of the time it either feels like a ball and chain or a hair shirt. Or like I am in a lunatic asylum and I am the patient. I like the reframe. I just do not see myself in it. Had you written desperate, screaming Mimi, with wild hair and her stained flannel nightgown, trying to fit under her bed to hid (with CNN droning on in the background)--but not fitting anymore due to unfortunate weight gain, I would have recognized myself. You know some family members of M cared for the animals 2 times (different people) and our good jewelry, watches, sunglasses disappeared (I did not realize it for some time.) I miss my 18k gold hoop earrings which were my faithful friends when I was in Argentina and Brasil. How I loved them. My son will not steal. And he loves the animals. He has shown his devotion and care to them. But, as I read this, I realize I want nobody in my house. Except for perhaps a bonded pet sitter and I wonder if there is such a person in my area. I live in the boonies. Yes. I think this is a good idea. Except my son is not a self-starter and has few skills that would enable him to do this. While he has been helping M for the past 9 or 10 months, he has been doing the jobs M had his own kids doing when they were little--he can paint, though. The apartment is a separate almost 800 sq ft building over a detached garage on the alley. It is completely apart--I would say almost 50 feet. It has its own address, too. So he could find his own roommate (there are 2 bedrooms). Would I just let him find who he wanted to live with, or not? Would I have a right to request drug testing (for my son) or is this illegal? Does anybody know? Even if I do not charge rent? Would I charge rent? Except there is that primal scream in response to the need to do this. I mean [I][B][U]why should I have to detach from the person I love most in the world?[/U][/B][/I] So here we embark on our journey!! When I read about your (and husband's) quest I felt so excited for you too!! And it made me feel more secure in the reality of our own dreams. RE. I hope you share with us some of your ideas, and of your hopes and aspirations for traveling. Will you look for a second residence? Or take to the road? Do you plan on leaving the country? Our plans have been to go back East to certain large cities where the cost of living is lower than CA large Cities where I am now priced out. We would like to check out places like Cleveland, Newark, maybe even Detroit. I want to go where there is a large Jewish population because I am very much returning to my faith. Also, I want to go where there is an artistic community. And restaurants and movie theaters and outside community spaces. Community would be nice! While I love aspects of where I live (I love being in a diverse, largely working class community) I am more than that, too. RE have you thought about what it is you seek for yourself, as you travel? Is it something that is missing, like for me, or is it something that you seek? Or is it the very process of shedding skin and being open to what comes? Kind of almost a surrender, by letting go? How exciting is this! Actually part of our travel situation is an unpleasant reality. You may remember M is undocumented. While he is sanguine for the most part, I have been deeply destabilized as our new reality sinks in. I have long wanted to live abroad (and I did for several years and loved it.) But to be forced to leave is a different thing altogether. Where would we go together? There is no agreement. Or would we go from place to place? Or separate? Who knows? M is sensitive to political situations. We could both go to Argentina, for example, which I love. But the pesky political and economic problems bother M (and me, not at all.) Same thing about the corruption and strife in Brasil where I lived. (It would not bother me a bit. Because it is not personal [I]to me.[/I] But I do not know where in the world, now, is exempt from uncertainty, and strife and chaos, except perhaps Australia/New Zealand, places that would not be my first choices. What would you and your husband like to do, RE? RE. I hope you share with us some of your ideas, and of your hopes and aspirations for traveling. Will you look for a second residence? Or take to the road? Do you plan on leaving the country? I have been very scared lately [I]for good reason. M has not committed any crimes. He has been back and forth to the States legally for more than 30 years. He has been here continuously 12 years and has citizen siblings. His father is a permanent resident and he is here in the States, now.[/I] But I can see how, now, for him everything has changed. And now for me, too. As I write this I can see why the last week has been so de-stabilizing for me. Largely, I did not acknowledge it. The following is a digression. Jump one paragraph, if you wish: The voices against undocumented people's presence here in our country I deeply understand. I empathize too. Because despite the changing I did in my lifetime I am a working class person, of working class parents and grandparents. I care so deeply about my people in Michigan, Pennsylvania. In Wisconsin and Ohio. Appalachia and the South. I care deeply too about both side of the Culture Wars. These are issues we have to work out as a family. Inclusion and deeply held moral beliefs. I hope we can keep in mind the love and responsibility in the human family. CD is a model for doing so. We are so humane in our differences here, nearly always remembering the grief and love and responsibility and morality that unites us. Regardless of who we are on the surface of things: geographically, ethnically, politically, culturally, and all the rest of it. None of this is a political statement. Only the acknowledgement that I (we) are affected by the political as much as we can affect it. All of this means that there could well be a great deal of chaos and discord here for a long time, in our society and our world. Although in a way I welcome it, but I fear it too. We cannot leave the country because M could be arrested by ICE as he leaves, and because once left, he could not return. (Forgive me, people. I am not asking for either understanding or pity. It is only a reality that is affecting our lives. Everything in his life was already in place when I met him. We are only have to deal with it. Thank you everybody for your support. I am feeling so much better today, because of it. M thinks my son has left, but I looked in his closet and I saw his Pandeiro (Brasilian musical instrument.) Maybe it is here for safekeeping, and he has left. That is still good. His phone is broken and I will have no way to contact him, if he is gone. That something of him/his is left, I will have solace. Thank you. [/QUOTE]
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