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Broken and despairing. Bereft. No hope left.
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<blockquote data-quote="Lil" data-source="post: 702936" data-attributes="member: 17309"><p>But don't you think parents of typical children detach? For instance, Jabber hasn't seen his parents in a few months now and it's not like we call all the time. In fact, I talked to them Saturday, but Jabber was hunting, so they didn't stop by. We called a few weeks ago to get his mom's date of birth, but it was a quick question and answer time. We'll see them at family Thanksgiving and at Christmas. But we likely won't talk between then. </p><p></p><p>If this is detachment:</p><p>*Ability to allow people, places or things the freedom to be themselves.</p><p>* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix another person from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.</p><p>* Giving another person "the space" to be herself.</p><p>* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with people.</p><p>* Willingness to accept that you cannot change or control a person, place or thing.</p><p>* Developing and maintaining of a safe, emotional distance from someone whom you have previously given a lot of power to affect your emotional outlook on life.</p><p>* Establishing of emotional boundaries between you and those people you have become overly enmeshed or dependent with in order that all of you might be able to develop your own sense of autonomy and independence.</p><p>* Process by which you are free to feel your own feelings when you see another person falter and fail and not be led by guilt to feel responsible for their failure or faltering.</p><p>* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing or controlling.</p><p>* Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective and recognizing that there is a need to back away from the uncontrollable and unchangeable realities of life.</p><p>* Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to experience greater emotional devastation from having hung on beyond a reasonable and rational point.</p><p>* Ability to let people you love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to practice tough love and not give in when they come to you to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.</p><p>* Ability to allow people to be who they "really are" rather than who you "want them to be."</p><p>* Ability to avoid being hurt, abused, taken advantage of by people who in the past have been overly dependent or enmeshed with you.</p><p>Read more: <a href="http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/#ixzz4Q6actsfh" target="_blank"><u>http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/#ixzz4Q6actsfh</u></a></p><p></p><p>...then they are detached. They live their own lives. They travel and visit family, do their church thing, visit with their kids, and I'm sure would be first in line for moral support - they came running when we first started having problems with our son - to listen, counsel, and give support. But they didn't try to fix things. They didn't blame themselves or anyone for our issues. They didn't let our issues become their issues. I'm sure they worried a bit and prayed for us, and they tried to help our son for a short time, giving him a home. But they determined that would not work and backed away. They don't call and ask us how it's going with him...though they ask after him from time to time, in the process of asking after all of us. </p><p></p><p>I'm sure my parents would have been the same way. Wow....do I ever miss them these days.</p><p></p><p>I guess my point is, Copa, that you and I both hate the idea of detaching from someone we love to pieces. But I know that it's necessary.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Lil, post: 702936, member: 17309"] But don't you think parents of typical children detach? For instance, Jabber hasn't seen his parents in a few months now and it's not like we call all the time. In fact, I talked to them Saturday, but Jabber was hunting, so they didn't stop by. We called a few weeks ago to get his mom's date of birth, but it was a quick question and answer time. We'll see them at family Thanksgiving and at Christmas. But we likely won't talk between then. If this is detachment: *Ability to allow people, places or things the freedom to be themselves. * Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix another person from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational. * Giving another person "the space" to be herself. * Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with people. * Willingness to accept that you cannot change or control a person, place or thing. * Developing and maintaining of a safe, emotional distance from someone whom you have previously given a lot of power to affect your emotional outlook on life. * Establishing of emotional boundaries between you and those people you have become overly enmeshed or dependent with in order that all of you might be able to develop your own sense of autonomy and independence. * Process by which you are free to feel your own feelings when you see another person falter and fail and not be led by guilt to feel responsible for their failure or faltering. * Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing or controlling. * Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective and recognizing that there is a need to back away from the uncontrollable and unchangeable realities of life. * Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to experience greater emotional devastation from having hung on beyond a reasonable and rational point. * Ability to let people you love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to practice tough love and not give in when they come to you to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them. * Ability to allow people to be who they "really are" rather than who you "want them to be." * Ability to avoid being hurt, abused, taken advantage of by people who in the past have been overly dependent or enmeshed with you. Read more: [URL='http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/#ixzz4Q6actsfh'][U]http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/#ixzz4Q6actsfh[/U][/URL] ...then they are detached. They live their own lives. They travel and visit family, do their church thing, visit with their kids, and I'm sure would be first in line for moral support - they came running when we first started having problems with our son - to listen, counsel, and give support. But they didn't try to fix things. They didn't blame themselves or anyone for our issues. They didn't let our issues become their issues. I'm sure they worried a bit and prayed for us, and they tried to help our son for a short time, giving him a home. But they determined that would not work and backed away. They don't call and ask us how it's going with him...though they ask after him from time to time, in the process of asking after all of us. I'm sure my parents would have been the same way. Wow....do I ever miss them these days. I guess my point is, Copa, that you and I both hate the idea of detaching from someone we love to pieces. But I know that it's necessary. [/QUOTE]
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