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Parent Emeritus
Broken and despairing. Bereft. No hope left.
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 702968" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Intellectually, while I cannot say <em>I want</em> detachment as described, I can see I may have no choice--eventually--my son will build a life separate from me, in which I have no vote or voice.</p><p></p><p>I mean, what right do I have to have a voice in the life of an adult? Which is exactly the situation now that is leading to such dismay on my part, on all of our parts: I should not to have either voice or responsibility in the life of my adult child.</p><p></p><p>Except I do think there are cultural differences in the extent to which family members, particularly, grown children and parents, separate-or stay close. My grandparents were very much a part of life in my mother's home until her second marriage. In M's family, his children are very, very close to their mother--dine in her home at minimum once a week--all of them together, and go to her for counsel about any major or even minor decision. He believes that this is not good for his kids, but this is their life--and some of the kids are around 40 or near it.</p><p></p><p>His sisters' adult children, have similar relationships with their parents.</p><p></p><p>I would be bereft if I spoke with my son only occasionally, even though that was how it was for some time. </p><p></p><p>But I see that the relationships that each of us forms with our children has everything to do with what these kids want, can maintain, and our ability to appropriately respond. </p><p></p><p>We are doing it, you guys. No matter how painful it may be. One of us said on this thread, or maybe more of us. We put into place, together with our kids, their efforts and wants, and dislikes, and limits and strengths--what we can and what will work. That is what we are doing, here. Painfully, sometimes.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 702968, member: 18958"] Intellectually, while I cannot say [I]I want[/I] detachment as described, I can see I may have no choice--eventually--my son will build a life separate from me, in which I have no vote or voice. I mean, what right do I have to have a voice in the life of an adult? Which is exactly the situation now that is leading to such dismay on my part, on all of our parts: I should not to have either voice or responsibility in the life of my adult child. Except I do think there are cultural differences in the extent to which family members, particularly, grown children and parents, separate-or stay close. My grandparents were very much a part of life in my mother's home until her second marriage. In M's family, his children are very, very close to their mother--dine in her home at minimum once a week--all of them together, and go to her for counsel about any major or even minor decision. He believes that this is not good for his kids, but this is their life--and some of the kids are around 40 or near it. His sisters' adult children, have similar relationships with their parents. I would be bereft if I spoke with my son only occasionally, even though that was how it was for some time. But I see that the relationships that each of us forms with our children has everything to do with what these kids want, can maintain, and our ability to appropriately respond. We are doing it, you guys. No matter how painful it may be. One of us said on this thread, or maybe more of us. We put into place, together with our kids, their efforts and wants, and dislikes, and limits and strengths--what we can and what will work. That is what we are doing, here. Painfully, sometimes. [/QUOTE]
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Broken and despairing. Bereft. No hope left.
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