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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 617940" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>I'm sorry. You didn't ask about detachment. You wanted to know what it feels like when we are in the crisis place, and how to help yourself.</p><p></p><p>It helped me to have faith that my child was going to make it.</p><p></p><p>"Faith is not, contrary to the usual ideas, something that turns out right or wrong, like a gambler's bet. It is an act, an intention, a project; something that makes you, in leaping into the future, go so far, far ahead that you shoot clean out of Time and right into Eternity, which is not the end of Time or unending Time, but timelessness, that old, Eternal Now."</p><p></p><p>It helped me to learn to manage my emotions. These books are especially helpful in learning both the value and the technique.</p><p></p><p><u>The Power of Now</u> Eckhardt Tolle</p><p><u>Simple Abundance</u> Sarah Ban Breathnak</p><p></p><p>Brene Brown has a series of books out about emotional vulnerability and staying present. I cannot think of the names, right now. If you google TED talks/Brene Brown, you will see a twenty minute presentation that will give you the flavor of her work. </p><p></p><p>Cultivate gratitude. List five things, every night before you go to bed, that you are grateful for. This practice will change your life.</p><p></p><p>As the others have suggested, make the conscious choice to care for and to take good care of, yourself. Whether consciously or not, you may find a tendency to feel that if you suffer enough, your son will stop doing what he is doing. Watch for that tendency. Make the conscious, determined choice to choose joy over suffering. </p><p></p><p>Again, fake it til you make it. </p><p></p><p>Cherish yourself. Deciding to buy the shoes or begin the exercise class or </p><p>whatever the good thing is teaches us that we are not going to choose suffering.</p><p>I still have a horrible problem with cherishing myself in those ways. I still think that somehow, if I suffer enough, this will all go away. I am confronted with that every time I go shopping. I wonder whether there is something like that at work when you are grocery shopping? Believing that on any level runs the continuum from the least helpful to the one of the most harmful things you can do.</p><p></p><p>I need to work on that. I need to choose something better for myself than what I have, on so many levels. </p><p></p><p>Understand the value in modeling health, and in modeling healthy acceptance.</p><p></p><p>Acknowledge that what you and your family are going through is one of the cruelest things that can happen to a family. Begin to cherish your family for its strength, for the miracle of its functioning. Appreciate the wonder of what you have created. Define your family as good and strong, as healthy, high-functioning people. This is so important. How you define yourselves to yourselves will play a big part in determining the flavor of whatever happens next.</p><p></p><p>When the times are especially hard, that old adage about faking it til you make it is excellent advice. You need to go about cherishing yourself and your life with determined intent. Loving your horses will be a wonderful way to begin that. Cherish your husband. Be so glad you have him in your life. You might have been going through this alone. Befriend him. Allow him truly to befriend you. Make a space for joy, a space for your relationship to flourish.</p><p></p><p>Decide to come out of this better together than you would have been had you not faced down this challenge together.</p><p></p><p>None of this is your fault. None of this is your responsibility. It may well be that there was never anything you could have done about it, even if you'd known this was coming.</p><p></p><p>What it boils down to is deciding there is no value in suffering. You are in a difficult situation. </p><p></p><p>There is no value in suffering. </p><p></p><p>There is value in cherishing and in thinking well of yourself. There is value in seeing this as some really weird thing that should never have happened to you, or to your family.</p><p></p><p>Be angry about it. </p><p></p><p>There are so many blamers out there, all looking for what went wrong. You need to concentrate on all that is right. Again, this will be something you do by determined choice.</p><p></p><p>In case you don't already know it, here is the Serenity Prayer.</p><p></p><p>God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change</p><p>The Courage to change the things I can</p><p>And the Wisdom to know the difference.</p><p></p><p>As someone here once told me, read it until it works. I did that, when it was given to me. I read and reread it, as was suggested.</p><p></p><p>It does work. It will give you a place to stand up again. </p><p></p><p>Mostly, you will survive it through your own determined intent to survive it. When you are sad, you will need to learn to acknowledge and then, counter those feelings. Once the shock is worn off, you will need to choose whether you are going to let what has happened with your boy define your life, or whether you are going to love your boy <u>and</u> your life. It is as bald as that. You will have to choose your emotional reality. If you note self-destructive tendencies, you will need to choose whether and how to counter them.</p><p></p><p>It isn't easy, it isn't pretty, and it should never have happened to you, your child, or your family.</p><p></p><p>But it has.</p><p></p><p>I agree with Recovering that we go through the stages of grief over and over as we come to peace with what has happened. To Recovering's assessment, I would add that when we have lost someone to death, there is a certain amount of community support and acknowledgment. The pain of the loss diminishes with time. For us, there is no support. Though we are grieving a living loss, there is condemnation, whether secret or overt. There is vulnerability, loss of reputation, shame.</p><p></p><p>Isolation.</p><p></p><p>The only way I know to survive it is to choose to. Cold acceptance, determined intent. Once you've done that? Refuse to allow the horror of what is happening to define you. </p><p></p><p>Laughter really is the best medicine. </p><p></p><p>Counter the horror of with everything you have. Your son is making choices. If he was afraid, if he felt truly unsafe, if he really did not like where he was or what he was doing or who he was with, he would change it. That is how you can know he is doing this by choice. You cannot stop him.</p><p></p><p>But you can choose to survive what he is doing to you.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 617940, member: 17461"] I'm sorry. You didn't ask about detachment. You wanted to know what it feels like when we are in the crisis place, and how to help yourself. It helped me to have faith that my child was going to make it. "Faith is not, contrary to the usual ideas, something that turns out right or wrong, like a gambler's bet. It is an act, an intention, a project; something that makes you, in leaping into the future, go so far, far ahead that you shoot clean out of Time and right into Eternity, which is not the end of Time or unending Time, but timelessness, that old, Eternal Now." It helped me to learn to manage my emotions. These books are especially helpful in learning both the value and the technique. [U]The Power of Now[/U] Eckhardt Tolle [U]Simple Abundance[/U] Sarah Ban Breathnak Brene Brown has a series of books out about emotional vulnerability and staying present. I cannot think of the names, right now. If you google TED talks/Brene Brown, you will see a twenty minute presentation that will give you the flavor of her work. Cultivate gratitude. List five things, every night before you go to bed, that you are grateful for. This practice will change your life. As the others have suggested, make the conscious choice to care for and to take good care of, yourself. Whether consciously or not, you may find a tendency to feel that if you suffer enough, your son will stop doing what he is doing. Watch for that tendency. Make the conscious, determined choice to choose joy over suffering. Again, fake it til you make it. Cherish yourself. Deciding to buy the shoes or begin the exercise class or whatever the good thing is teaches us that we are not going to choose suffering. I still have a horrible problem with cherishing myself in those ways. I still think that somehow, if I suffer enough, this will all go away. I am confronted with that every time I go shopping. I wonder whether there is something like that at work when you are grocery shopping? Believing that on any level runs the continuum from the least helpful to the one of the most harmful things you can do. I need to work on that. I need to choose something better for myself than what I have, on so many levels. Understand the value in modeling health, and in modeling healthy acceptance. Acknowledge that what you and your family are going through is one of the cruelest things that can happen to a family. Begin to cherish your family for its strength, for the miracle of its functioning. Appreciate the wonder of what you have created. Define your family as good and strong, as healthy, high-functioning people. This is so important. How you define yourselves to yourselves will play a big part in determining the flavor of whatever happens next. When the times are especially hard, that old adage about faking it til you make it is excellent advice. You need to go about cherishing yourself and your life with determined intent. Loving your horses will be a wonderful way to begin that. Cherish your husband. Be so glad you have him in your life. You might have been going through this alone. Befriend him. Allow him truly to befriend you. Make a space for joy, a space for your relationship to flourish. Decide to come out of this better together than you would have been had you not faced down this challenge together. None of this is your fault. None of this is your responsibility. It may well be that there was never anything you could have done about it, even if you'd known this was coming. What it boils down to is deciding there is no value in suffering. You are in a difficult situation. There is no value in suffering. There is value in cherishing and in thinking well of yourself. There is value in seeing this as some really weird thing that should never have happened to you, or to your family. Be angry about it. There are so many blamers out there, all looking for what went wrong. You need to concentrate on all that is right. Again, this will be something you do by determined choice. In case you don't already know it, here is the Serenity Prayer. God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change The Courage to change the things I can And the Wisdom to know the difference. As someone here once told me, read it until it works. I did that, when it was given to me. I read and reread it, as was suggested. It does work. It will give you a place to stand up again. Mostly, you will survive it through your own determined intent to survive it. When you are sad, you will need to learn to acknowledge and then, counter those feelings. Once the shock is worn off, you will need to choose whether you are going to let what has happened with your boy define your life, or whether you are going to love your boy [U]and[/U] your life. It is as bald as that. You will have to choose your emotional reality. If you note self-destructive tendencies, you will need to choose whether and how to counter them. It isn't easy, it isn't pretty, and it should never have happened to you, your child, or your family. But it has. I agree with Recovering that we go through the stages of grief over and over as we come to peace with what has happened. To Recovering's assessment, I would add that when we have lost someone to death, there is a certain amount of community support and acknowledgment. The pain of the loss diminishes with time. For us, there is no support. Though we are grieving a living loss, there is condemnation, whether secret or overt. There is vulnerability, loss of reputation, shame. Isolation. The only way I know to survive it is to choose to. Cold acceptance, determined intent. Once you've done that? Refuse to allow the horror of what is happening to define you. Laughter really is the best medicine. Counter the horror of with everything you have. Your son is making choices. If he was afraid, if he felt truly unsafe, if he really did not like where he was or what he was doing or who he was with, he would change it. That is how you can know he is doing this by choice. You cannot stop him. But you can choose to survive what he is doing to you. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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