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But I don't like your rules
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<blockquote data-quote="Allan-Matlem" data-source="post: 241214" data-attributes="member: 10"><p>Hi,</p><p>Idealy I think a transitioning back into your home at a slow pace , tackling problems, etc. </p><p>Long lasting solutions are rarely found on the first attempt in real life situations.</p><p>There is a huge difference between problem solving , addressing concerns and then looking for mutually satisfying solutions than the process of negotiation. Negotiation , like bartering or ' dueling solutions' is very much a power struggle , so giving in is losing , but when we first focus on undertanding concerns , perspective taking without any preconceived solutions we are in a better position to foster cooperation and perspective taking.</p><p>If we have a fixed mindset for our kids , all there is to do is medicate and treat the systems with reward and punishment , but if you believe that compromise, perspective taking , empathy , problem solving are important life skills to provide our kids and in deed they have many deficits in these areas like executive functions, language processing skills, emotion regulation skills, social skills, cognitive flexibility etc despite the mistrust our kids might have for problem solving , despite their lacking skills we cannot say all this is for pcs , because reward and punishment does not work with difficult children , so why just give more of the same. When problem solving does not work , the child still benefits from the process and when you go back , you have got something to build on. It takes a lot of practice , lots of problem solving experiences to develop the skill and trust. How does one start - learn to enjoy a one on one conversation , perspective taking , you listening , kid speaking.</p><p>Talk about non-emotive issues , general stuff , how you feel , how you think others feel , talk about other peoples problems , empathize etc . if something does happen - say I am not going to blame you , I am not going to abandon you or ground you , I just want hear what's up. Instead of lying , a kid will come to you for support . If we want to deal with the whole child and their feelings , their thinking we cannot just look at behavior , we need a lot of information from them in order to understand them. It is not easy , it is not overnight . Ross Greene talks about 30-40 problem solving experiences to start getting it right. But in the process you are building skills, building a relationship . I don't know if it is possible to build a relationship with a person if you deal with problems by ' doing to them' rather than working with them. It is not what we teach our kids , it is what they learn .</p><p>I recommend mentors , buddy -tutors , the most impotant tool we have is just speak with our kids , let them talk to us , we listen - just one on one bonding, perpective taking , expressing what makes us happy, sad, frustrated , how we handle frustration etc </p><p></p><p>If you check the Parent Emeritus forum here , one sees that our problems with aour kids don't disappear when the become 18, it is not easy to kick a kid out of the home.</p><p></p><p>Allan</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Allan-Matlem, post: 241214, member: 10"] Hi, Idealy I think a transitioning back into your home at a slow pace , tackling problems, etc. Long lasting solutions are rarely found on the first attempt in real life situations. There is a huge difference between problem solving , addressing concerns and then looking for mutually satisfying solutions than the process of negotiation. Negotiation , like bartering or ' dueling solutions' is very much a power struggle , so giving in is losing , but when we first focus on undertanding concerns , perspective taking without any preconceived solutions we are in a better position to foster cooperation and perspective taking. If we have a fixed mindset for our kids , all there is to do is medicate and treat the systems with reward and punishment , but if you believe that compromise, perspective taking , empathy , problem solving are important life skills to provide our kids and in deed they have many deficits in these areas like executive functions, language processing skills, emotion regulation skills, social skills, cognitive flexibility etc despite the mistrust our kids might have for problem solving , despite their lacking skills we cannot say all this is for pcs , because reward and punishment does not work with difficult children , so why just give more of the same. When problem solving does not work , the child still benefits from the process and when you go back , you have got something to build on. It takes a lot of practice , lots of problem solving experiences to develop the skill and trust. How does one start - learn to enjoy a one on one conversation , perspective taking , you listening , kid speaking. Talk about non-emotive issues , general stuff , how you feel , how you think others feel , talk about other peoples problems , empathize etc . if something does happen - say I am not going to blame you , I am not going to abandon you or ground you , I just want hear what's up. Instead of lying , a kid will come to you for support . If we want to deal with the whole child and their feelings , their thinking we cannot just look at behavior , we need a lot of information from them in order to understand them. It is not easy , it is not overnight . Ross Greene talks about 30-40 problem solving experiences to start getting it right. But in the process you are building skills, building a relationship . I don't know if it is possible to build a relationship with a person if you deal with problems by ' doing to them' rather than working with them. It is not what we teach our kids , it is what they learn . I recommend mentors , buddy -tutors , the most impotant tool we have is just speak with our kids , let them talk to us , we listen - just one on one bonding, perpective taking , expressing what makes us happy, sad, frustrated , how we handle frustration etc If you check the Parent Emeritus forum here , one sees that our problems with aour kids don't disappear when the become 18, it is not easy to kick a kid out of the home. Allan [/QUOTE]
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