Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
Can Plan B be a trigger?
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 385298" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>It's like I've often said, Allen - when questioning a kid, be careful to not prompt the answer by how you phrase the question. Because kids want to do well if they can, they can often 'lift' the answer they think you want to hear, if you don't phrase the question right. So what you get is what the child thinks you re asking, and not what you really want to know. </p><p></p><p>We also need to get into this habit of communication with our kids NOT just when we snap into "let's try Basket B mode" but in fact ALL THE TIME. I have got into trouble here before when I've told people that a change in mind-set is needed, but this is what I am talking about. Especially when a kid is given a label of ODD, the parent can increasingly feel set up for failure, with a kid who is choosing to be a problem, choosing to be difficult and oppositional. It is the parent who has to change mind-set here, to a position of "give the kid a chance to be good" and a parental attitude of "he really wants to be good but doesn't know how."</p><p>Kids can be really sensitive and pick up disapproving vibes, even where you don't intend to project them. But if we could tape-record your responses to our children then play them back, most of us would be horrified at how we speak to them and be less surprised that a child who is already "inflexible-explosive" does not respond as well as we hope.</p><p></p><p>One mind-set trick I use on myself (to keep my attitude to my child in a more productive direction) is to treat my child as I would a friend who was staying with us. Or a friend who is sharing our living space. I call it the flatmate approach. If you ever lived way from home in share accommodation you hopefully will remember what I mean - somehow you work out house rules and you set up a system that works for you, by mutual agreement. Of course the person who pays the lease gets overriding control in a lot of situations, where it would impact on their rental record. But issues such as what sort of meals to prepare, who is doing the laundry this week, who is cleaning the bathroom - all these are a compromise worked out with friends. Your flatmate leaves dirty plates under the sofa, how do you discuss this with him? Chances are, you handle it differently to how you would tell off your child AGAIN for just dumping the dirty plates where the dog can get at them. But especially as they get older, these kids need to learn how to get on with other people on an equal basis, adult to adult. Because how you treat your child is how they will learn to treat others (including you). You are the parent, the adult, it is your example being set.</p><p></p><p>Much of this is very much at odds with how we were raised. Also, when we are stressed, we tend to snap back to old habits and what we know.</p><p></p><p>Basket B, reflection mode - I wrote at length on this on another thread. I have learned to absolute LOATHE pure reflection, especially when I'm on the receiving end. I learned to do this myself when I was trained as a telephone counsellor, and at times when I have needed therapy or counselling, I sometimes have to stop my therapist and say, "Don't do it. It is a major trigger for me now, because I do NOT identify it with empathy; just the opposite."</p><p></p><p>What I have found with "Explosive Child" methods, is that you have to adapt it to your child and your situation. Reflection does not work for me. Some mild level of reflection does work for difficult child 3 but we have to move on fast, or he wallows in his misery and rapidly escalates his rage if we allow him to focus on it too much without seeing where to take the discussion. So if I say, "You're angry because you missed out on a turn," difficult child 3 will begin to rage even more that he missed a turn and it's not fair. If I then say, "You feel it's not fair you missed a turn," I will get, "I SAID THAT!!" or he will continue to focus on "I missed having a turn and it's not fair, the teacher is a jerk, the other kids are jerks, I hate it all, it's not fair," and we will have reached a point where physical damage risks being done to people and/or property.</p><p>So instead I need to move beyond reflection, FAST. It can still include some level of reflection, but needs more, including a sense of direction. But it is of course still important to not make assumptions. Questions are a good way of changing the direction of his thoughts.</p><p>"You're angry because you missed a turn and you feel it's not fair. [reflection]. Did anyone else miss a turn?" [ask this hoping you know the answer is yes]. Or you could add, "Is it something we could do later on perhaps?"</p><p>Sometimes a compromise can help. "I'm sorry you missed out on a turn. Maybe we can do it after school. And then you won't have to rush off because class is going back in."</p><p></p><p>Depending on the child, we need to help them learn how to get out of an endless logic loop in their thoughts. "I'm angry, it's not fair, I'm angry, it's not fair, I'm angry, it's not fair..." round and around. Add in reflection from another, "You're angry and it's not fair," and it's "light blue touch paper, stand well back" [common instructions on fireworks]. In other words, you just threw kerosene on the fire.</p><p>But if we can first show that there ARE other directions to take their thoughts then help them find the way, then over time they learn to do this themselves. </p><p></p><p>We too often forget just how much help our difficult children need at such basic levels. But often they are fast learners. That can also be part of the problem. If your fast learner has learned some bad mental habits (such as setting up those endless logic loops in their thoughts) then you need to put in work to help them unlearn them. The best way to learn is through successful interactions. As parents, we need to be the ones to help set up these positive experiences and often it has to begin with baby steps. You may be having more successes than you realise!</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 385298, member: 1991"] It's like I've often said, Allen - when questioning a kid, be careful to not prompt the answer by how you phrase the question. Because kids want to do well if they can, they can often 'lift' the answer they think you want to hear, if you don't phrase the question right. So what you get is what the child thinks you re asking, and not what you really want to know. We also need to get into this habit of communication with our kids NOT just when we snap into "let's try Basket B mode" but in fact ALL THE TIME. I have got into trouble here before when I've told people that a change in mind-set is needed, but this is what I am talking about. Especially when a kid is given a label of ODD, the parent can increasingly feel set up for failure, with a kid who is choosing to be a problem, choosing to be difficult and oppositional. It is the parent who has to change mind-set here, to a position of "give the kid a chance to be good" and a parental attitude of "he really wants to be good but doesn't know how." Kids can be really sensitive and pick up disapproving vibes, even where you don't intend to project them. But if we could tape-record your responses to our children then play them back, most of us would be horrified at how we speak to them and be less surprised that a child who is already "inflexible-explosive" does not respond as well as we hope. One mind-set trick I use on myself (to keep my attitude to my child in a more productive direction) is to treat my child as I would a friend who was staying with us. Or a friend who is sharing our living space. I call it the flatmate approach. If you ever lived way from home in share accommodation you hopefully will remember what I mean - somehow you work out house rules and you set up a system that works for you, by mutual agreement. Of course the person who pays the lease gets overriding control in a lot of situations, where it would impact on their rental record. But issues such as what sort of meals to prepare, who is doing the laundry this week, who is cleaning the bathroom - all these are a compromise worked out with friends. Your flatmate leaves dirty plates under the sofa, how do you discuss this with him? Chances are, you handle it differently to how you would tell off your child AGAIN for just dumping the dirty plates where the dog can get at them. But especially as they get older, these kids need to learn how to get on with other people on an equal basis, adult to adult. Because how you treat your child is how they will learn to treat others (including you). You are the parent, the adult, it is your example being set. Much of this is very much at odds with how we were raised. Also, when we are stressed, we tend to snap back to old habits and what we know. Basket B, reflection mode - I wrote at length on this on another thread. I have learned to absolute LOATHE pure reflection, especially when I'm on the receiving end. I learned to do this myself when I was trained as a telephone counsellor, and at times when I have needed therapy or counselling, I sometimes have to stop my therapist and say, "Don't do it. It is a major trigger for me now, because I do NOT identify it with empathy; just the opposite." What I have found with "Explosive Child" methods, is that you have to adapt it to your child and your situation. Reflection does not work for me. Some mild level of reflection does work for difficult child 3 but we have to move on fast, or he wallows in his misery and rapidly escalates his rage if we allow him to focus on it too much without seeing where to take the discussion. So if I say, "You're angry because you missed out on a turn," difficult child 3 will begin to rage even more that he missed a turn and it's not fair. If I then say, "You feel it's not fair you missed a turn," I will get, "I SAID THAT!!" or he will continue to focus on "I missed having a turn and it's not fair, the teacher is a jerk, the other kids are jerks, I hate it all, it's not fair," and we will have reached a point where physical damage risks being done to people and/or property. So instead I need to move beyond reflection, FAST. It can still include some level of reflection, but needs more, including a sense of direction. But it is of course still important to not make assumptions. Questions are a good way of changing the direction of his thoughts. "You're angry because you missed a turn and you feel it's not fair. [reflection]. Did anyone else miss a turn?" [ask this hoping you know the answer is yes]. Or you could add, "Is it something we could do later on perhaps?" Sometimes a compromise can help. "I'm sorry you missed out on a turn. Maybe we can do it after school. And then you won't have to rush off because class is going back in." Depending on the child, we need to help them learn how to get out of an endless logic loop in their thoughts. "I'm angry, it's not fair, I'm angry, it's not fair, I'm angry, it's not fair..." round and around. Add in reflection from another, "You're angry and it's not fair," and it's "light blue touch paper, stand well back" [common instructions on fireworks]. In other words, you just threw kerosene on the fire. But if we can first show that there ARE other directions to take their thoughts then help them find the way, then over time they learn to do this themselves. We too often forget just how much help our difficult children need at such basic levels. But often they are fast learners. That can also be part of the problem. If your fast learner has learned some bad mental habits (such as setting up those endless logic loops in their thoughts) then you need to put in work to help them unlearn them. The best way to learn is through successful interactions. As parents, we need to be the ones to help set up these positive experiences and often it has to begin with baby steps. You may be having more successes than you realise! Marg [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
Can Plan B be a trigger?
Top