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Can we talk about jail?
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<blockquote data-quote="Echolette" data-source="post: 615942" data-attributes="member: 17269"><p>I am still struggling with all of this. The decision to not post bail is ultimately sitting fine with me, thanks in part to the words of wisdom from the forum, which helped me see my own path more securely. A few days ago I decided that I would, in fact, pay his fines/restitution, whatever it is. And that felt OK to me too. I used a little of the money my mom left me, and my ex (and difficult child's dad) said he would split the rest with me. Today I started to walk over to the court house to pay...and I started feeling crazy, panic stricken, angry, overwhelmed. I called my SO to ask him to come pick me up on the street (this is NOT common behavior for me), then hung up before he answered. When he called back I lied about why I had called =--although he knows I was planning to pay, and has said several times that he will support me whichever way I decide. </p><p>I started crying on the street, overwhelmed with frustration, much of which I directed at "the system". I was sure I would get to the courthouse and not have what I needed (no one on the phone seemed able or interested to help me sort it out). Cashier's check? certified check? cash? credit card? some weird form of ID for me or David?</p><p>OR that somehow it would go unrecorded, since the PD had several times emphasized that I had to get a receipt and get it to her....and also because I was PRESENT when he paid $200 towards the restitution in Sept, and that appears to have not been recorded. So I felt I was going through a pointless exercise in frustration and wasted time, and that I might well burst into tears or a rage of frustrationat the courthouse...and so I turned around and walked home again, feeling ill.</p><p>I think I cannot bear to pay his restitution, even with his expressions of appreciation, commitment to the future, and commitment to pay me back.</p><p>Because I've been here before, in so many ways, so many times...the waste of effort on my part. The attempt to tmake things better that never works. The wasted resources.</p><p>I am so full of resentment and pain and anger over all the years of that that it is boiling down to this one small point ($1500, supposedly to be paid back....I guess really not so small). It feels like I am being eaten from inside. I cannot bear to be taken advantage of.</p><p>When he called today to chat, as he has every day from jail, he thanked me for being there for him...I don't think he meant the money, although maybe. I said, "I don't feel like I''ve really been there, but I"m glad if you feel supported" and he said "a lot of people here have no one, I'm glad I have some one to call." </p><p>Which was sweet.</p><p>But he also told me he went to the commissary and bought candy (he is a candy fiend). And I said...how did you ahve money for that? and he said he had some cash on him when he was picked up, which went into his account.</p><p>Huh. </p><p>I don't know if that is feasible or not. But it really really sat wrong that he was buying candy while I was figuring out how to come up with $1500. I know that is stupid, right? $3.00 for a reeces thingy won't drop in the bucket of $1500...and yet....</p><p>and then I feel cheap. and I think...jeez, if I hadn't overspent for Christmas, would I be so stressed about the resitution? Maybe he is suffering because I am not financially responsible enough?</p><p>And then I snapped at my 15 year old in the kitchen, and he said "sorry for sharing my thoughts out loud", and I realized how the long arm of difficult child and the stress he causes me affects every breath I take, and all my relationships.</p><p>Ugh.</p><p>I think Iwon't pay. It is giving me ulcers to put myself in that position. We live in the US...he won't have his hand cut off, he'll just have to spend more time in jail/be on probation/get a record. For a little while I thought it made sense to pay so he wouldn't have a crimnial record, but guess what???? HE'LL HAVE ONE SOONER OR LATER ANYWAY.</p><p>This is just me venting.</p><p>Any thoughts or feedback to get me out of my tasmanian devil spin would be apprectiated.</p><p>Echo</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Echolette, post: 615942, member: 17269"] I am still struggling with all of this. The decision to not post bail is ultimately sitting fine with me, thanks in part to the words of wisdom from the forum, which helped me see my own path more securely. A few days ago I decided that I would, in fact, pay his fines/restitution, whatever it is. And that felt OK to me too. I used a little of the money my mom left me, and my ex (and difficult child's dad) said he would split the rest with me. Today I started to walk over to the court house to pay...and I started feeling crazy, panic stricken, angry, overwhelmed. I called my SO to ask him to come pick me up on the street (this is NOT common behavior for me), then hung up before he answered. When he called back I lied about why I had called =--although he knows I was planning to pay, and has said several times that he will support me whichever way I decide. I started crying on the street, overwhelmed with frustration, much of which I directed at "the system". I was sure I would get to the courthouse and not have what I needed (no one on the phone seemed able or interested to help me sort it out). Cashier's check? certified check? cash? credit card? some weird form of ID for me or David? OR that somehow it would go unrecorded, since the PD had several times emphasized that I had to get a receipt and get it to her....and also because I was PRESENT when he paid $200 towards the restitution in Sept, and that appears to have not been recorded. So I felt I was going through a pointless exercise in frustration and wasted time, and that I might well burst into tears or a rage of frustrationat the courthouse...and so I turned around and walked home again, feeling ill. I think I cannot bear to pay his restitution, even with his expressions of appreciation, commitment to the future, and commitment to pay me back. Because I've been here before, in so many ways, so many times...the waste of effort on my part. The attempt to tmake things better that never works. The wasted resources. I am so full of resentment and pain and anger over all the years of that that it is boiling down to this one small point ($1500, supposedly to be paid back....I guess really not so small). It feels like I am being eaten from inside. I cannot bear to be taken advantage of. When he called today to chat, as he has every day from jail, he thanked me for being there for him...I don't think he meant the money, although maybe. I said, "I don't feel like I''ve really been there, but I"m glad if you feel supported" and he said "a lot of people here have no one, I'm glad I have some one to call." Which was sweet. But he also told me he went to the commissary and bought candy (he is a candy fiend). And I said...how did you ahve money for that? and he said he had some cash on him when he was picked up, which went into his account. Huh. I don't know if that is feasible or not. But it really really sat wrong that he was buying candy while I was figuring out how to come up with $1500. I know that is stupid, right? $3.00 for a reeces thingy won't drop in the bucket of $1500...and yet.... and then I feel cheap. and I think...jeez, if I hadn't overspent for Christmas, would I be so stressed about the resitution? Maybe he is suffering because I am not financially responsible enough? And then I snapped at my 15 year old in the kitchen, and he said "sorry for sharing my thoughts out loud", and I realized how the long arm of difficult child and the stress he causes me affects every breath I take, and all my relationships. Ugh. I think Iwon't pay. It is giving me ulcers to put myself in that position. We live in the US...he won't have his hand cut off, he'll just have to spend more time in jail/be on probation/get a record. For a little while I thought it made sense to pay so he wouldn't have a crimnial record, but guess what???? HE'LL HAVE ONE SOONER OR LATER ANYWAY. This is just me venting. Any thoughts or feedback to get me out of my tasmanian devil spin would be apprectiated. Echo [/QUOTE]
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