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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 98837" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>I was 31 when I finally had to leave my job due to disability (acquired on the job). Workers Compensation actually made things a lot worse, as I felt constantly accused of being some sort of fraud. I had enjoyed my job, I had a lot of responsibility and had been working my way to a desk job and a senior position. If only I could have held out a little longer, I always thought, I could have stayed in the workforce.</p><p></p><p>I know now that wasn't going to be possible. </p><p></p><p>But I can tell you, you need to watch out for feelings of worthlessness; feeling like you now are of no use to anyone, since you can't even hold down a job; feeling like everyone would be better off without you. I also had a sense of desperation, feeling in despair because they couldn't find out what was wrong with me and give it a name, and it seemed to be taking over more of my body; if only they could find out what it was, I believed, they could stop it progressing.</p><p></p><p>What became very clear was that I was only valuing myself for what I could do, not for who I was. I couldn't see that there are people in this world who value me just for being me. Everything about me had been tied up in my job, and with that gone, what did I have left? I didn't even feel I could be a parent properly, I had no energy and no strength. I also felt (with the Workers Comp position of scepticism) that nobody believed that I was really ill, that people thought I was bunging it on, a bludger. Faking it to be lazy, if you need that translated. There was even a bloke hired by the company to try to find some position I could still manage and he said I should read a book called "Love Your Disease - It's Keeping You Well". When I finally found a copy of the book I was so angry I wanted to hunt that man down and tell him a few home truths - the book was about how we 'invent' certain health problems for ourselves as a way of protecting ourselves from over-committment. Utter rubbish.</p><p></p><p>In the end I realised I had to grieve for the loss of my dreams, the loss of my career and the total change of direction for my life. It was a rough time but I got through it.</p><p></p><p>I'm someone who needs to be busy, so I found something else to do. I began to write. And I found I was good at it, so I worked at it a little more. Now I give classes in writing, among other things.</p><p></p><p>Life changed in unexpected ways but as some doors slammed shut, I kicked a few others open. And what I do now - if I had stayed in my career path, I never would have been able to do as much as I can for difficult child 3, let alone the others.</p><p></p><p>I'm still disabled and would you believe - they're STILL arguing over what to call whatever-I've-got. I've stopped worrying about whether they could stop its progress - way too late now. </p><p></p><p>I've moved part mere existence and marking time, to find fulfilling life beyond it all. It's difficult at times but I figure, with where I've been I can handle anything now.</p><p></p><p>Hang in there, you have coped until now so you will continue to be able to manage. Let yourself grieve as you need to, but in the meantime - LIVE!</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 98837, member: 1991"] I was 31 when I finally had to leave my job due to disability (acquired on the job). Workers Compensation actually made things a lot worse, as I felt constantly accused of being some sort of fraud. I had enjoyed my job, I had a lot of responsibility and had been working my way to a desk job and a senior position. If only I could have held out a little longer, I always thought, I could have stayed in the workforce. I know now that wasn't going to be possible. But I can tell you, you need to watch out for feelings of worthlessness; feeling like you now are of no use to anyone, since you can't even hold down a job; feeling like everyone would be better off without you. I also had a sense of desperation, feeling in despair because they couldn't find out what was wrong with me and give it a name, and it seemed to be taking over more of my body; if only they could find out what it was, I believed, they could stop it progressing. What became very clear was that I was only valuing myself for what I could do, not for who I was. I couldn't see that there are people in this world who value me just for being me. Everything about me had been tied up in my job, and with that gone, what did I have left? I didn't even feel I could be a parent properly, I had no energy and no strength. I also felt (with the Workers Comp position of scepticism) that nobody believed that I was really ill, that people thought I was bunging it on, a bludger. Faking it to be lazy, if you need that translated. There was even a bloke hired by the company to try to find some position I could still manage and he said I should read a book called "Love Your Disease - It's Keeping You Well". When I finally found a copy of the book I was so angry I wanted to hunt that man down and tell him a few home truths - the book was about how we 'invent' certain health problems for ourselves as a way of protecting ourselves from over-committment. Utter rubbish. In the end I realised I had to grieve for the loss of my dreams, the loss of my career and the total change of direction for my life. It was a rough time but I got through it. I'm someone who needs to be busy, so I found something else to do. I began to write. And I found I was good at it, so I worked at it a little more. Now I give classes in writing, among other things. Life changed in unexpected ways but as some doors slammed shut, I kicked a few others open. And what I do now - if I had stayed in my career path, I never would have been able to do as much as I can for difficult child 3, let alone the others. I'm still disabled and would you believe - they're STILL arguing over what to call whatever-I've-got. I've stopped worrying about whether they could stop its progress - way too late now. I've moved part mere existence and marking time, to find fulfilling life beyond it all. It's difficult at times but I figure, with where I've been I can handle anything now. Hang in there, you have coped until now so you will continue to be able to manage. Let yourself grieve as you need to, but in the meantime - LIVE! Marg [/QUOTE]
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