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Can't give an inch...
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 642362" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>As our lives continued downhill with the kids, the one thing that sustained us was knowing we had done every single thing to change the situation for our kids and for ourselves. That is how I came to this understanding I am coming to just lately. I know all the things we have done, I know how very deeply we did care, how focused we were and how hard we tried. </p><p></p><p>It has been expensive, it has been heartbreaking. But I know with every fiber of my being that we were committed to making this right.</p><p></p><p>At the end of the day, when things turn out badly, that is the one saving grace. Knowing we did all (and way more) that we knew to do.</p><p></p><p>We are talking about our own lives, here. We all do reach a place (with support) when we know we have done all we can. That knowing is what makes it possible to turn away when it is either turn away or go down the tubes with the kids still demanding and blaming and guilting us into submission.</p><p></p><p>We have to be able to meet our own eyes in the mirror.</p><p></p><p>For the rest of our lives, we have to be able to meet our own eyes in the mirror.</p><p></p><p>It is said, here on the site, that if we change our responses, our children sometimes change.</p><p></p><p>That was an important piece for me. I am not sure I could have said no to more money or to moving home or taking grandchildren in or anything else, had I not heard the successful stories of parents who did, finally, choose to stop accepting responsibility for the weird way things turn out for our difficult child kids.</p><p></p><p>And when the parents stopped, the kids changed.</p><p></p><p>What I see now Lil is a place for you to demand that your son pick himself up and do the things you require him to do <em>for the sake of his own life</em>. Because of the position he has placed himself in, you are in a position of power.</p><p></p><p>Now may be one of the few times you can impact his life by holding strong. Demand that he do what is right for his own life, or give in, and play this same downward spiraling game again and again. In my experience, the consequences to the parent become more severe, with less room to choose as time goes on. Once there are grandchildren involved...boy, that's tough.</p><p></p><p>Part of this for me, now that I think about it more deeply, is that, as I said, I can look into a mirror and know we did all we could. The other part though, and that is where you and Jabber are right now, is...might this have resolved sooner, if I had known to set a line in the sand and stand by it?</p><p></p><p>There was a time, when we finally got it that difficult child son was not acting out because we had parented badly, but was in fact, addicted to drugs, when we might have forced treatment. He refused, of course. Instead of standing strong and refusing to have anything to do with him until he did accept treatment, we brought food, we paid fines, we encouraged and researched and pleaded and made lists of expectations.</p><p></p><p>That did not work.</p><p></p><p>We used to buy frozen broccoli, chicken, other foods that were healthy and balanced. We visited our son twice a week. We gave no money. Only the things he required. To this day, he roars on about the broccoli and the chicken. He blames </p><p>his lack of recovery on husband because after paying impound and reinstatement fees and who knows what else (in addition to driving three hours one way twice a week) husband had not given difficult child cash to take the bus to the DMV.</p><p></p><p>Who knows what really happened there.</p><p></p><p>difficult child wound up moving home.</p><p></p><p>And it was bad, for us.</p><p></p><p>And it was expensive to get him out and on his own again.</p><p></p><p>So, looks like I have done an about face, here.</p><p></p><p>If I had it to do again, I would bite the bullet and stand strong.</p><p></p><p>Nothing, not one penny, not one cup of coffee or package of frozen broccoli, until I saw what I needed to see <em>for the sake of my son's own life.</em></p><p></p><p>I'm sorry this is happening. But it is something happening <em>to</em> you. The issue has to be how to make it stop. And I have heard stories from parents here on this site that once they stopped giving, the kids picked up.</p><p></p><p>But they had to stop giving, first.</p><p></p><p>Ouch, I know.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 642362, member: 17461"] As our lives continued downhill with the kids, the one thing that sustained us was knowing we had done every single thing to change the situation for our kids and for ourselves. That is how I came to this understanding I am coming to just lately. I know all the things we have done, I know how very deeply we did care, how focused we were and how hard we tried. It has been expensive, it has been heartbreaking. But I know with every fiber of my being that we were committed to making this right. At the end of the day, when things turn out badly, that is the one saving grace. Knowing we did all (and way more) that we knew to do. We are talking about our own lives, here. We all do reach a place (with support) when we know we have done all we can. That knowing is what makes it possible to turn away when it is either turn away or go down the tubes with the kids still demanding and blaming and guilting us into submission. We have to be able to meet our own eyes in the mirror. For the rest of our lives, we have to be able to meet our own eyes in the mirror. It is said, here on the site, that if we change our responses, our children sometimes change. That was an important piece for me. I am not sure I could have said no to more money or to moving home or taking grandchildren in or anything else, had I not heard the successful stories of parents who did, finally, choose to stop accepting responsibility for the weird way things turn out for our difficult child kids. And when the parents stopped, the kids changed. What I see now Lil is a place for you to demand that your son pick himself up and do the things you require him to do [I]for the sake of his own life[/I]. Because of the position he has placed himself in, you are in a position of power. Now may be one of the few times you can impact his life by holding strong. Demand that he do what is right for his own life, or give in, and play this same downward spiraling game again and again. In my experience, the consequences to the parent become more severe, with less room to choose as time goes on. Once there are grandchildren involved...boy, that's tough. Part of this for me, now that I think about it more deeply, is that, as I said, I can look into a mirror and know we did all we could. The other part though, and that is where you and Jabber are right now, is...might this have resolved sooner, if I had known to set a line in the sand and stand by it? There was a time, when we finally got it that difficult child son was not acting out because we had parented badly, but was in fact, addicted to drugs, when we might have forced treatment. He refused, of course. Instead of standing strong and refusing to have anything to do with him until he did accept treatment, we brought food, we paid fines, we encouraged and researched and pleaded and made lists of expectations. That did not work. We used to buy frozen broccoli, chicken, other foods that were healthy and balanced. We visited our son twice a week. We gave no money. Only the things he required. To this day, he roars on about the broccoli and the chicken. He blames his lack of recovery on husband because after paying impound and reinstatement fees and who knows what else (in addition to driving three hours one way twice a week) husband had not given difficult child cash to take the bus to the DMV. Who knows what really happened there. difficult child wound up moving home. And it was bad, for us. And it was expensive to get him out and on his own again. So, looks like I have done an about face, here. If I had it to do again, I would bite the bullet and stand strong. Nothing, not one penny, not one cup of coffee or package of frozen broccoli, until I saw what I needed to see [I]for the sake of my son's own life.[/I] I'm sorry this is happening. But it is something happening [I]to[/I] you. The issue has to be how to make it stop. And I have heard stories from parents here on this site that once they stopped giving, the kids picked up. But they had to stop giving, first. Ouch, I know. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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