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Can't Stand Young Adult Son
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 621473" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>I was just about to turn off the computer when I saw your post. I guess I can welcome you to The I-Wish-I-Didn't-Belong-To-It Club. That's my new name for people here with adult difficult children <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /> Hey, humor keeps me sane.</p><p></p><p>First of all, this is only my opinion. We all have them. And you take what you want from my response and throw the rest in the trash. It is not meant to tell you what to do. They are only my thoughts.</p><p></p><p>The biggest thing that konked me on my thick skull <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /> is that you worry too much about what difficult child thinks and does. I certainly understand much of your disapproval of so many of his habits, but you know what? He is himself and you are yourself. It is a waste of angst and energy to worry about if he worships "rednecks" (whatever that is) or smokes in his own home (I hate this habit, but I can't control if somebody else does it as long as it's not in my house), if my kids have dirty homes in their own places it's not my business, etc. His beard and his bald head are his own personal choice. We can't tell our grown children how to groom themselves...it really is none of our business. A lot of what you worry about may not reflect your own values, however they don't really affect you. I would put all of that into a large mental garbage bag. Let's call it trash. You can't do squat about it so why even give it your peace of mind? You want a serene, happy life and thinking about all the stuff that bothers you about difficult children nasty habits THAT DO NOT AFFECFT YOU is harming your health, both physical and mental and is not worth it. You have to start taking care of your own well being and thing extra stuff is just cluttering your mind...like trash. It is not fixable.</p><p></p><p>Onto the stuff that does affect you such as his disrespect. You can not do one thing to make him a respectful person. I have a son who is disrespectful too and I can't change him. Only he can change him. What I can do is refuse to talk to him when he swears at me, calls me names, tells me what I do wrong, yells, etc. And that's exactly w hat I do. Most of our contact is by phone as he thankfully lives in a nother state. He used to be very verbally abusive. As soon as he starts with that, my cell phone goes silent and I won't answer him calling me or read any texts from him for another day. Then he gets another chance. If he blows it, well, he is 36. He is a middle age man. I'm not going to treat him like he is still ten. He knows my boundaries. If he doesn't follow them, he loses the ability to talk to me. I wish I had done this when my son was your son's age. It took me until he was almost thirty to put any boundaries on his trash talk to me at all and I feel silly that I hadn't started sooner. It would have been easier for him and for me.</p><p></p><p>The bills. YOu should not be organizing his bills. He is a young man, no longer your child. If he screws up his bills, he screws up his bills. Why should you organize his bills for him? Is he ever planning on learning to do this himself? Are you planning on living until eternity and doing it for him? You can't. He has to learn to organize and pay his own bills. He is certainly old enough to do that. You can show him a few times, but I personally think that should be on him. You worry too much about his business and this takes away from your own time and happiness. Try to remember that he is a MAN. We tend to think of our adult men and women as that little boy or girl we bounced on our knee and hugged. I know I did. But he is a man and many men his age don't have dad and mom helping them at all.</p><p></p><p>Unable to control behavior, risk taker, life is not going well: Yes, he can control his behavior. He is choosing not to. And you can't make him control it. His risk taking is a choice as well. His lack of empathy could be a sign of a personality disorder such as antisocial personality disorder or narcissism. Personality disordered people are quite common and VERY hard to deal with because they are unpredictable, totally never wrong in their own minds, and they blame YOU for everything. That, as parents, makes us feel like we were terrible parents. However, they are manipulating us to feel that way and we can choose to look back and realize we were actually very good parents. I will post the links to antisocial and narcissistic personality disorder and you can see if your son has some traits of either or both. If so, he will be difficult and you need to accept this and deal with him in the best way for YOU and move on so that you can have a happy life.</p><p></p><p><a href="http://psychcentral.com/disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder-symptoms/" target="_blank">http://psychcentral.com/disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder-symptoms/</a></p><p><a href="http://psychcentral.com/disorders/antisocial-personality-disorder-symptoms/" target="_blank">http://psychcentral.com/disorders/antisocial-personality-disorder-symptoms/</a></p><p></p><p>There is something I find helpful called "radical acceptance." You can look for it in any search engine. Basically it means "It is what it is, I don't have to like it, but I can't change it, so I accept it and I can now live my life in peace." It is a wonderful concept.</p><p></p><p>I also think it would be helpful for you to read the article on detachment on this site. We learn to detach from the drama with our love, but we have our own lives and they have their own lives. We are not them. They are not us. We have lives separately from them and they make choices in their own lives and we can't control their choices. What we can do is choose happiness for ourselves in spite of not being happy with our difficult child's choices. We do not have to be unhappy because they are or because they are making poor decisions.</p><p></p><p>That's sort of what we try to talk to one another about...how we can learn how to live our own lives with joy and peace even if our adult children are struggling. And we have such good posters. I'm sure they will come along.</p><p></p><p>Wishing you a peaceful, serene night. Nice to "meet" you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 621473, member: 1550"] I was just about to turn off the computer when I saw your post. I guess I can welcome you to The I-Wish-I-Didn't-Belong-To-It Club. That's my new name for people here with adult difficult children :) Hey, humor keeps me sane. First of all, this is only my opinion. We all have them. And you take what you want from my response and throw the rest in the trash. It is not meant to tell you what to do. They are only my thoughts. The biggest thing that konked me on my thick skull :) is that you worry too much about what difficult child thinks and does. I certainly understand much of your disapproval of so many of his habits, but you know what? He is himself and you are yourself. It is a waste of angst and energy to worry about if he worships "rednecks" (whatever that is) or smokes in his own home (I hate this habit, but I can't control if somebody else does it as long as it's not in my house), if my kids have dirty homes in their own places it's not my business, etc. His beard and his bald head are his own personal choice. We can't tell our grown children how to groom themselves...it really is none of our business. A lot of what you worry about may not reflect your own values, however they don't really affect you. I would put all of that into a large mental garbage bag. Let's call it trash. You can't do squat about it so why even give it your peace of mind? You want a serene, happy life and thinking about all the stuff that bothers you about difficult children nasty habits THAT DO NOT AFFECFT YOU is harming your health, both physical and mental and is not worth it. You have to start taking care of your own well being and thing extra stuff is just cluttering your mind...like trash. It is not fixable. Onto the stuff that does affect you such as his disrespect. You can not do one thing to make him a respectful person. I have a son who is disrespectful too and I can't change him. Only he can change him. What I can do is refuse to talk to him when he swears at me, calls me names, tells me what I do wrong, yells, etc. And that's exactly w hat I do. Most of our contact is by phone as he thankfully lives in a nother state. He used to be very verbally abusive. As soon as he starts with that, my cell phone goes silent and I won't answer him calling me or read any texts from him for another day. Then he gets another chance. If he blows it, well, he is 36. He is a middle age man. I'm not going to treat him like he is still ten. He knows my boundaries. If he doesn't follow them, he loses the ability to talk to me. I wish I had done this when my son was your son's age. It took me until he was almost thirty to put any boundaries on his trash talk to me at all and I feel silly that I hadn't started sooner. It would have been easier for him and for me. The bills. YOu should not be organizing his bills. He is a young man, no longer your child. If he screws up his bills, he screws up his bills. Why should you organize his bills for him? Is he ever planning on learning to do this himself? Are you planning on living until eternity and doing it for him? You can't. He has to learn to organize and pay his own bills. He is certainly old enough to do that. You can show him a few times, but I personally think that should be on him. You worry too much about his business and this takes away from your own time and happiness. Try to remember that he is a MAN. We tend to think of our adult men and women as that little boy or girl we bounced on our knee and hugged. I know I did. But he is a man and many men his age don't have dad and mom helping them at all. Unable to control behavior, risk taker, life is not going well: Yes, he can control his behavior. He is choosing not to. And you can't make him control it. His risk taking is a choice as well. His lack of empathy could be a sign of a personality disorder such as antisocial personality disorder or narcissism. Personality disordered people are quite common and VERY hard to deal with because they are unpredictable, totally never wrong in their own minds, and they blame YOU for everything. That, as parents, makes us feel like we were terrible parents. However, they are manipulating us to feel that way and we can choose to look back and realize we were actually very good parents. I will post the links to antisocial and narcissistic personality disorder and you can see if your son has some traits of either or both. If so, he will be difficult and you need to accept this and deal with him in the best way for YOU and move on so that you can have a happy life. [url]http://psychcentral.com/disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder-symptoms/[/url] [url]http://psychcentral.com/disorders/antisocial-personality-disorder-symptoms/[/url] There is something I find helpful called "radical acceptance." You can look for it in any search engine. Basically it means "It is what it is, I don't have to like it, but I can't change it, so I accept it and I can now live my life in peace." It is a wonderful concept. I also think it would be helpful for you to read the article on detachment on this site. We learn to detach from the drama with our love, but we have our own lives and they have their own lives. We are not them. They are not us. We have lives separately from them and they make choices in their own lives and we can't control their choices. What we can do is choose happiness for ourselves in spite of not being happy with our difficult child's choices. We do not have to be unhappy because they are or because they are making poor decisions. That's sort of what we try to talk to one another about...how we can learn how to live our own lives with joy and peace even if our adult children are struggling. And we have such good posters. I'm sure they will come along. Wishing you a peaceful, serene night. Nice to "meet" you. [/QUOTE]
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