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Can't Stand Young Adult Son
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<blockquote data-quote="Stress Bunny" data-source="post: 621477" data-attributes="member: 4855"><p>Midwest - Thanks for some much-needed advice from someone who has obviously been around the block with this sort of thing.</p><p></p><p>You are blunt, but I appreciate the honesty. I agree that I need to let go of the things that irk me about JT's appearance and annoying, but otherwise benign choices, such as the way he carries himself, etc. I absolutely hate it when people smoke, and I won't allow it in my home. Of course, JT lies and claims he doesn't smoke even though there are cigarettes in his truck and butts and lighters in his pockets. </p><p></p><p>I do need to think about our younger boy, though, and I will not have JT smoking in my home or in the presence of Bubby. He can make his choices, but I can make mine too. I think smoking is a terrible, terrible habit for many reasons, and I choose not to surround myself with smoking people period. It is a big deal to me.</p><p></p><p>It is my business how JT grooms himself when he comes into my home with grease all over himself (clothes, hands, and face) and then proceeds to sit on our furniture or wipe his hands on the walls, etc. He is filthy, and when he is in my house, it matters to me. He doesn't care about property or anything. He trashes everything he and anyone else owns. The back of his truck is full of garbage, rotting food, and oil, which leaks all over everywhere he drives. It is outrageous, really. He left a pool of oil on our newly blacktopped driveway last summer. He tries to get his grandparents to allow him to store stuff in their garage and use their garage for his projects. But he never cleans up after himself. They are in their 80s, and they are fed up at this point. I could go on and on. Of course, we need to set boundaries in these areas because of this, and this gets in the way of having a better relationship. His grandparents have ordered him and his truck and his junk out of their garage this weekend.</p><p></p><p>I disagree that his personal cleanliness and disrespect for property have no effect on us.</p><p></p><p>I try to ignore his harsh appearance, but the truth is that I know he is enjoying looking that way because he knows it is hard for us to see him that way. He is smirking at me from the inside; looking down at me; mocking me. He actually hates me, I'm sure, but he plays games to get what he wants, as if I don't know who he really is. If he can taunt, offend, or hurt me, then he feels more powerful than ever. He enjoys it. It builds him up. He gets his jollies out of using people and causing them pain. He has different girlfriends all the time so that they will do his laundry and give him things, like money and the use of their vehicles. People are objects. When they are no longer useful to him, he moves on. When he calls me in the middle of the night to ask for something and I tell him not to call so late, he calls late again anyway. In fact, if I ask him not to do something, he is that much more likely to do so anyway, just to create more drama. He never modifies his behavior out of consideration for others. He thinks I am weak because I care about him. He lies nonstop about everything. I don't trust him. He respects no one.</p><p></p><p>It's not about the way he looks, so much as what it represents. I know what it represents. I know who he has become, and it is disturbing. If he were a wonderfully giving, but scuzzy-looking person, it would be easier to accept. Instead, all of the years of hard work and loving family we have given him are a waste. husband is completely done with JT now. He cannot stand him either, and the rude and selfish behavior is the worst. We have just had it with everything.</p><p></p><p>He is a narcissist. This I know, but still wish it were not true. It is very hard to accept. There really isn't a cure, and I know he is unlikely to change. This isn't a phase or an adjustment issue. This is who he is. JT also potentially fits the psychopath criteria. I read the book, Without Conscience, by Robert Hare, and it was eye-opening. I have read a lot, and research indicates that features of psychopathy often appear in childhood and that there may be a genetic link. The brains of these individuals are actually different. I think the concept of choice becomes more of a gray area with the brain-based nature of these disorders. The outlook is not good. JT's characteristics have been remarkably constant throughout his life. </p><p></p><p>At this point, it is in our best interest to ensure JT is responsible for his own life, I agree. He is handling his bills for the first time this past month, so husband offered to help him set up a filing system and calendar for managing this. He has to write his own checks and do this himself, but husband offered to help him get off to a good start. Of course we have no intention of doing this for him going forward. This was an initial help for him to get started managing this himself. He has never had to manage all of his own bills before, and he is extremely disorganized.</p><p></p><p>I love the idea of radical acceptance, and I know that for my own well being, that's the direction I need to go. Also, I have read the detachment article and all about not enabling. I have set boundaries with the way he talks to me, and I am working on getting him out of my head now.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Stress Bunny, post: 621477, member: 4855"] Midwest - Thanks for some much-needed advice from someone who has obviously been around the block with this sort of thing. You are blunt, but I appreciate the honesty. I agree that I need to let go of the things that irk me about JT's appearance and annoying, but otherwise benign choices, such as the way he carries himself, etc. I absolutely hate it when people smoke, and I won't allow it in my home. Of course, JT lies and claims he doesn't smoke even though there are cigarettes in his truck and butts and lighters in his pockets. I do need to think about our younger boy, though, and I will not have JT smoking in my home or in the presence of Bubby. He can make his choices, but I can make mine too. I think smoking is a terrible, terrible habit for many reasons, and I choose not to surround myself with smoking people period. It is a big deal to me. It is my business how JT grooms himself when he comes into my home with grease all over himself (clothes, hands, and face) and then proceeds to sit on our furniture or wipe his hands on the walls, etc. He is filthy, and when he is in my house, it matters to me. He doesn't care about property or anything. He trashes everything he and anyone else owns. The back of his truck is full of garbage, rotting food, and oil, which leaks all over everywhere he drives. It is outrageous, really. He left a pool of oil on our newly blacktopped driveway last summer. He tries to get his grandparents to allow him to store stuff in their garage and use their garage for his projects. But he never cleans up after himself. They are in their 80s, and they are fed up at this point. I could go on and on. Of course, we need to set boundaries in these areas because of this, and this gets in the way of having a better relationship. His grandparents have ordered him and his truck and his junk out of their garage this weekend. I disagree that his personal cleanliness and disrespect for property have no effect on us. I try to ignore his harsh appearance, but the truth is that I know he is enjoying looking that way because he knows it is hard for us to see him that way. He is smirking at me from the inside; looking down at me; mocking me. He actually hates me, I'm sure, but he plays games to get what he wants, as if I don't know who he really is. If he can taunt, offend, or hurt me, then he feels more powerful than ever. He enjoys it. It builds him up. He gets his jollies out of using people and causing them pain. He has different girlfriends all the time so that they will do his laundry and give him things, like money and the use of their vehicles. People are objects. When they are no longer useful to him, he moves on. When he calls me in the middle of the night to ask for something and I tell him not to call so late, he calls late again anyway. In fact, if I ask him not to do something, he is that much more likely to do so anyway, just to create more drama. He never modifies his behavior out of consideration for others. He thinks I am weak because I care about him. He lies nonstop about everything. I don't trust him. He respects no one. It's not about the way he looks, so much as what it represents. I know what it represents. I know who he has become, and it is disturbing. If he were a wonderfully giving, but scuzzy-looking person, it would be easier to accept. Instead, all of the years of hard work and loving family we have given him are a waste. husband is completely done with JT now. He cannot stand him either, and the rude and selfish behavior is the worst. We have just had it with everything. He is a narcissist. This I know, but still wish it were not true. It is very hard to accept. There really isn't a cure, and I know he is unlikely to change. This isn't a phase or an adjustment issue. This is who he is. JT also potentially fits the psychopath criteria. I read the book, Without Conscience, by Robert Hare, and it was eye-opening. I have read a lot, and research indicates that features of psychopathy often appear in childhood and that there may be a genetic link. The brains of these individuals are actually different. I think the concept of choice becomes more of a gray area with the brain-based nature of these disorders. The outlook is not good. JT's characteristics have been remarkably constant throughout his life. At this point, it is in our best interest to ensure JT is responsible for his own life, I agree. He is handling his bills for the first time this past month, so husband offered to help him set up a filing system and calendar for managing this. He has to write his own checks and do this himself, but husband offered to help him get off to a good start. Of course we have no intention of doing this for him going forward. This was an initial help for him to get started managing this himself. He has never had to manage all of his own bills before, and he is extremely disorganized. I love the idea of radical acceptance, and I know that for my own well being, that's the direction I need to go. Also, I have read the detachment article and all about not enabling. I have set boundaries with the way he talks to me, and I am working on getting him out of my head now. [/QUOTE]
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