Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Can't Stand Young Adult Son
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 621548" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Bunny, I read your post a couple of times. Wow, he doesn't sound like a person very many people at all would want to be around. And you know what, Bunny? He'll find that out, and if he cares about have any people at all in his life ever, he will modify. </p><p></p><p>Sounds like he is in a place of complete rebellion against society. As a 20-year-old, he has a lot to learn and years to learn it before his brain develops fully. He will have to learn it the hard way, it appears.</p><p></p><p>If he has a severe mental illness, he will ultimately be diagnosed and offered treatment. He can either take it or leave it.</p><p></p><p>I think it is a huge plus that he is working, keeping a job and living on his own. Wow, wonderful! You don't say anything about drugs, so I hope that is not an issue today and won't be. </p><p></p><p>So...what I hear is your feelings about your son. You are sick at his behavior. You are disgusted. This is NOT how you raised him. How could this have happened? You don't really like a thing about him, but of course you still love him. That is how so many of us on this site feel, even while the details are different in each situation.</p><p></p><p>From the common perspective, let me say this:</p><p></p><p>***Feel your feelings as much and whenever you need to. It's upsetting and it's sad and it's frustrating and it's maddening. Cry and rage and write and be depressed if you need to be. Those feelings are valid.</p><p></p><p>***Then move on. Cycle through the feelings/move on as many times as you need to. </p><p></p><p>***Focus on yourself, your husband and your other son. Live your good life. </p><p></p><p>***Part of doing that will be setting boundaries with your difficult child and sticking to them the very best you can. Figure out what is acceptable to you and what isn't. It's okay not to see him or talk to him for a while. It's okay to let his calls go to voice mail. It's okay not to answer his voice mails or text messages or FB messages or however he tries to communicate. If he comes to the door at an inopportune time, tell him this isn't a good time and if won't leave tell him you will take additional steps if he stays or does this again. Then do it.</p><p></p><p>***The point is this: You don't have to be around people that are that upsetting to you. You can say no or yes on a very limited basis.</p><p></p><p>***It helps me a lot to write down a simple plan that I will work to follow. Put it on your computer so you can edit. Make the plan for this next 24 hours. You can change it at any time, Bunny, because you're an adult and you can change your mind at any time, no matter what you have written or told anyone. </p><p></p><p>Your plan for today might be:</p><p></p><p>1. I will let all calls go to voice mail.</p><p>2. If we are scheduled to see each other today, I'll text him and say my plans have changed and we can't get together today. We'll make plans later.</p><p>3. I will focus on good things for myself: take a nap, take a walk, take a bubble bath, go to a nice restaurant---do nice things for yourself and your family. </p><p>4. If I'm really upset, I will write, I will exercise, I will divert myself. I will not react to my own upset by taking action. </p><p></p><p>That's it. Tomorrow you can do another plan just for today. It can be the same or different. Whatever YOU decide. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I love this from Nomad. This is very similar to what I am doing. It is really working well, and you know what Bunny. All I really "need" to know today is that he is alive. I don't have to know another thing. Maybe one day I will even been okay with not being sure about that. I am letting him go. This has been a very long process with a lot of hard work under my belt.</p><p></p><p>But today, I am much happier, much more at peace, much more contented---regardless of what he is doing. </p><p></p><p>It is a great place to be and working working for. </p><p></p><p>Please know we are here for you regardless of what you do or don't do. We get it.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 621548, member: 17542"] Bunny, I read your post a couple of times. Wow, he doesn't sound like a person very many people at all would want to be around. And you know what, Bunny? He'll find that out, and if he cares about have any people at all in his life ever, he will modify. Sounds like he is in a place of complete rebellion against society. As a 20-year-old, he has a lot to learn and years to learn it before his brain develops fully. He will have to learn it the hard way, it appears. If he has a severe mental illness, he will ultimately be diagnosed and offered treatment. He can either take it or leave it. I think it is a huge plus that he is working, keeping a job and living on his own. Wow, wonderful! You don't say anything about drugs, so I hope that is not an issue today and won't be. So...what I hear is your feelings about your son. You are sick at his behavior. You are disgusted. This is NOT how you raised him. How could this have happened? You don't really like a thing about him, but of course you still love him. That is how so many of us on this site feel, even while the details are different in each situation. From the common perspective, let me say this: ***Feel your feelings as much and whenever you need to. It's upsetting and it's sad and it's frustrating and it's maddening. Cry and rage and write and be depressed if you need to be. Those feelings are valid. ***Then move on. Cycle through the feelings/move on as many times as you need to. ***Focus on yourself, your husband and your other son. Live your good life. ***Part of doing that will be setting boundaries with your difficult child and sticking to them the very best you can. Figure out what is acceptable to you and what isn't. It's okay not to see him or talk to him for a while. It's okay to let his calls go to voice mail. It's okay not to answer his voice mails or text messages or FB messages or however he tries to communicate. If he comes to the door at an inopportune time, tell him this isn't a good time and if won't leave tell him you will take additional steps if he stays or does this again. Then do it. ***The point is this: You don't have to be around people that are that upsetting to you. You can say no or yes on a very limited basis. ***It helps me a lot to write down a simple plan that I will work to follow. Put it on your computer so you can edit. Make the plan for this next 24 hours. You can change it at any time, Bunny, because you're an adult and you can change your mind at any time, no matter what you have written or told anyone. Your plan for today might be: 1. I will let all calls go to voice mail. 2. If we are scheduled to see each other today, I'll text him and say my plans have changed and we can't get together today. We'll make plans later. 3. I will focus on good things for myself: take a nap, take a walk, take a bubble bath, go to a nice restaurant---do nice things for yourself and your family. 4. If I'm really upset, I will write, I will exercise, I will divert myself. I will not react to my own upset by taking action. That's it. Tomorrow you can do another plan just for today. It can be the same or different. Whatever YOU decide. I love this from Nomad. This is very similar to what I am doing. It is really working well, and you know what Bunny. All I really "need" to know today is that he is alive. I don't have to know another thing. Maybe one day I will even been okay with not being sure about that. I am letting him go. This has been a very long process with a lot of hard work under my belt. But today, I am much happier, much more at peace, much more contented---regardless of what he is doing. It is a great place to be and working working for. Please know we are here for you regardless of what you do or don't do. We get it. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Can't Stand Young Adult Son
Top