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Car - again!
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember1" data-source="post: 753670" data-attributes="member: 23706"><p>Wise, we all are given family roles by others. In healthy families this happens less but I believe it still happens,. Partly because some kids are more willing to be helpers or more talented in certain areas.</p><p></p><p>It seems you are the Fixer of All in your family of origin And Choice, taking care of not just your kids but your parents. This would burn out anyone . It makes you the Cop of the family.</p><p></p><p>A few thoughts to maybe lessen your heavy load.</p><p></p><p>Your dad gave the car to your son. Apparently he did not demand it be clean. You added cleanliness to the contract??</p><p></p><p> If so it is not your place to worry about the car. It falls between your son and your father, who it sounds like doesn't care much. Did your father tell your son not to smoke in the car? If not then YOU added the burdensome rule to your plate. I am sure in Al Anon you would have advised to leave it between them.</p><p></p><p>Now the house and what happened when you were gone. </p><p></p><p>It was inconsiderate of your family to mess and not clean it. But this is something I have experienced too. My husband and Amy and Rick are puzzled by my mania for a clean, orderly house. They tease me and say I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) (tease me affectionately). If it were not for me my house would be what I consider a pigsty. I have decided long ago that I am not the cop who forces others to clean to my high standards and that if I want the house to sparkle like a diamond (and I do) then I have to make it so. And I cheerfully do do, hiring a cleaning woman once a month too. In therapy I was taught not to expect others, even kind loved ones, to meet my standards and to not stress the small stuff.</p><p></p><p>Is a messy house small stuff?</p><p></p><p>I once thought not. I now thing yes. A messy house can be fixed up to my standards by me or a cleaning service. It annoys me but there is no catastrophe. Nobody is I'll. Nobody is hurt. I am lucky that all I am concerned about is a messy house. </p><p></p><p>I have come far. I used to go to Kay's house and scrub her living areas. Why did I do that? I wasn't the one living there! I chose to no longer add this to my plate. I am not the Clean Police!</p><p></p><p>If asked by family to take care of anything you have a right to say no. This does not make you a bad person.</p><p></p><p>Seems like you are not only in charge of everything but that you are uncomfortable not being over involved especially with the kids.</p><p></p><p>Remember Al Anon. We didn't Cause it, we can't control it and we can't cure it. This goes for your kids You can't make them better people. They have to want it. All you can do is change your reactions to them. But you know this and yes it is easier to tell others than to do it in our own lives. Been there.</p><p></p><p>Wise, you do not need to police your kids or check in on their choices unless you feel they affect you. Your son smoking in Dad's car does not affect you. It affects your son's lungs, your dad's car and you not a bit. No grown child in this day and age does everything we ask of them. Respect is shown by day to day treatment of us, not by cars or other material things. And we can't make them respect us. One day at a time. Today is this way but tomorrow could be way different so why worry about the future?</p><p></p><p>Wise, you can resign as the family Cop. The pay is awful!!! The effect on your health is not good either. </p><p></p><p>You are very hard on yourself. Be GOOD to yourself. You can decide to let things slide. I had to do so. My husband and I were getting sick. It became life or death. We chose life.</p><p></p><p>You are an amazing person who is trying to juggle too many balls. You can decide on throwing the balls down and on finding serenity. </p><p></p><p>God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I can not change,</p><p>The Courage to change the things I can,</p><p>And the Wisdom to know the difference.</p><p></p><p>Be well and God bless!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember1, post: 753670, member: 23706"] Wise, we all are given family roles by others. In healthy families this happens less but I believe it still happens,. Partly because some kids are more willing to be helpers or more talented in certain areas. It seems you are the Fixer of All in your family of origin And Choice, taking care of not just your kids but your parents. This would burn out anyone . It makes you the Cop of the family. A few thoughts to maybe lessen your heavy load. Your dad gave the car to your son. Apparently he did not demand it be clean. You added cleanliness to the contract?? If so it is not your place to worry about the car. It falls between your son and your father, who it sounds like doesn't care much. Did your father tell your son not to smoke in the car? If not then YOU added the burdensome rule to your plate. I am sure in Al Anon you would have advised to leave it between them. Now the house and what happened when you were gone. It was inconsiderate of your family to mess and not clean it. But this is something I have experienced too. My husband and Amy and Rick are puzzled by my mania for a clean, orderly house. They tease me and say I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) (tease me affectionately). If it were not for me my house would be what I consider a pigsty. I have decided long ago that I am not the cop who forces others to clean to my high standards and that if I want the house to sparkle like a diamond (and I do) then I have to make it so. And I cheerfully do do, hiring a cleaning woman once a month too. In therapy I was taught not to expect others, even kind loved ones, to meet my standards and to not stress the small stuff. Is a messy house small stuff? I once thought not. I now thing yes. A messy house can be fixed up to my standards by me or a cleaning service. It annoys me but there is no catastrophe. Nobody is I'll. Nobody is hurt. I am lucky that all I am concerned about is a messy house. I have come far. I used to go to Kay's house and scrub her living areas. Why did I do that? I wasn't the one living there! I chose to no longer add this to my plate. I am not the Clean Police! If asked by family to take care of anything you have a right to say no. This does not make you a bad person. Seems like you are not only in charge of everything but that you are uncomfortable not being over involved especially with the kids. Remember Al Anon. We didn't Cause it, we can't control it and we can't cure it. This goes for your kids You can't make them better people. They have to want it. All you can do is change your reactions to them. But you know this and yes it is easier to tell others than to do it in our own lives. Been there. Wise, you do not need to police your kids or check in on their choices unless you feel they affect you. Your son smoking in Dad's car does not affect you. It affects your son's lungs, your dad's car and you not a bit. No grown child in this day and age does everything we ask of them. Respect is shown by day to day treatment of us, not by cars or other material things. And we can't make them respect us. One day at a time. Today is this way but tomorrow could be way different so why worry about the future? Wise, you can resign as the family Cop. The pay is awful!!! The effect on your health is not good either. You are very hard on yourself. Be GOOD to yourself. You can decide to let things slide. I had to do so. My husband and I were getting sick. It became life or death. We chose life. You are an amazing person who is trying to juggle too many balls. You can decide on throwing the balls down and on finding serenity. God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I can not change, The Courage to change the things I can, And the Wisdom to know the difference. Be well and God bless! [/QUOTE]
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