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Caught between two difficult child generations
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<blockquote data-quote="pigless in VA" data-source="post: 536555" data-attributes="member: 11832"><p>Yes, I did. husband's illness almost took me down with him. It was at that point that I realized I needed a long range plan to live for. I started making changes that were small. I began to sleep in a different room because husband's negativity was sucking the life out of me. He spent 95% of his time depressed and miserable. I didn't want my life to be like that. I started doing things with the kids and left him at home if he didn't want to participate. I found sitters, so I could do things with friends once in awhile. When I couldn't do that, I'd just go outside and dig in the yard. Maybe it's because plants don't say anything, but I was able to recenter myself with that one activity. </p><p></p><p>My the goal was to get Candy through high school and then divorce husband. Until then, I was going to do my level best to make my marriage work. As I got personally stronger, husband unraveled more and more. I continued to help him but I did what RE is describing. I found my joy in life again. Little by little, bit by bit I took it back. I found friends to laugh with and I enjoyed my kids and their friends. Through their friends, I found friends, too. </p><p></p><p>I read a lot, too, and I found reading about others who survived atrocities to be incredibly helpful. I needed to know about people who forged ahead in spite of incredible circumstances. </p><p></p><p>I had a reasonably safe early childhood, but my parents divorced when I was 13. They both stopped parenting. My dad did pay child support but paid no attention to the neglect going on at our "home" where mom was. Mom fell into a deep dark depression and didn't return to normal for 10 more years. She wasn't mean but she allowed her now husband who some of you remember that I call the "troll" into our lives. Troll brought his drinking buddies into our house and they were some tough customers. Our house became the hangout for biker gangs and druggies. That experience skewed my whole perspective on normal and I have spent the rest of my life trying my hardest to create a safe haven for my kids. </p><p></p><p>Have I had moments when I said, "why me?" Oh, yeah. Many, many, many of those. I think the trick is to slide in some enjoyment in between those moments. </p><p></p><p>When you are dealing with difficult child's outrageous behaviors, does he sometimes make you feel like you're dealing with your out-of-control mother again? Ferb was causing me PTSD until I realized that his rages made me feel like I was dealing with the junkman (psycho ex who was a crank addict). Once I recognized my panic was for situations I had no control over in the past, I was able to calm myself better and forgive my son for his anger. </p><p></p><p>I also had to go on an antidepressant for myself for a long period of time. It is something to consider if you are feeling overwhelmed. </p><p></p><p>Hang in there, girl. There are many who have been in the trenches and survived. We care about you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="pigless in VA, post: 536555, member: 11832"] Yes, I did. husband's illness almost took me down with him. It was at that point that I realized I needed a long range plan to live for. I started making changes that were small. I began to sleep in a different room because husband's negativity was sucking the life out of me. He spent 95% of his time depressed and miserable. I didn't want my life to be like that. I started doing things with the kids and left him at home if he didn't want to participate. I found sitters, so I could do things with friends once in awhile. When I couldn't do that, I'd just go outside and dig in the yard. Maybe it's because plants don't say anything, but I was able to recenter myself with that one activity. My the goal was to get Candy through high school and then divorce husband. Until then, I was going to do my level best to make my marriage work. As I got personally stronger, husband unraveled more and more. I continued to help him but I did what RE is describing. I found my joy in life again. Little by little, bit by bit I took it back. I found friends to laugh with and I enjoyed my kids and their friends. Through their friends, I found friends, too. I read a lot, too, and I found reading about others who survived atrocities to be incredibly helpful. I needed to know about people who forged ahead in spite of incredible circumstances. I had a reasonably safe early childhood, but my parents divorced when I was 13. They both stopped parenting. My dad did pay child support but paid no attention to the neglect going on at our "home" where mom was. Mom fell into a deep dark depression and didn't return to normal for 10 more years. She wasn't mean but she allowed her now husband who some of you remember that I call the "troll" into our lives. Troll brought his drinking buddies into our house and they were some tough customers. Our house became the hangout for biker gangs and druggies. That experience skewed my whole perspective on normal and I have spent the rest of my life trying my hardest to create a safe haven for my kids. Have I had moments when I said, "why me?" Oh, yeah. Many, many, many of those. I think the trick is to slide in some enjoyment in between those moments. When you are dealing with difficult child's outrageous behaviors, does he sometimes make you feel like you're dealing with your out-of-control mother again? Ferb was causing me PTSD until I realized that his rages made me feel like I was dealing with the junkman (psycho ex who was a crank addict). Once I recognized my panic was for situations I had no control over in the past, I was able to calm myself better and forgive my son for his anger. I also had to go on an antidepressant for myself for a long period of time. It is something to consider if you are feeling overwhelmed. Hang in there, girl. There are many who have been in the trenches and survived. We care about you. [/QUOTE]
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