I have a son who hasn't been in my life for eight years. I sent letters. I left messages. I tried. In the end, he did not appreciate it and he and his wife turned it against me. I do have other kids and I think that helps, but I am finding I no longer focus on what he's doing or why. And since I did get feedback about his reaction to how hard I tried, I quit trying. It was hurtful, embarassing, and disrespectful.
This child was adopted from another country at age six. Maybe the fact that I did not have him since birth has made it possible for me to accept his decision and move on as we didn't have that very early bonding. But, if I'm honest, I loved him like I'd given birth to him. It just obviously was not returned to that degree by him. It was hard. I had to grieve and did grieve. He has two little boys I have never seen and his wife hates me, although she doesn't know me.
I don't know your daughter's story, but it's always sad when kids stop speaking to us. And, since I am a research junkie, I am reading that this going no contact with a parent is on the rise and it's a kind of control and even abuse, if they are doing it because we won't give them, say, the money they want even though they are age 30 and using drugs. This was not the case with my son. I said some things to him that he didn't like and I'm so sorry I did. They were not hateful things, but we did have words, but it was not something people normally are still angry about eight years later (or even eight DAYS later). And he doesn't care how much I apologize so i stopped.
The way I let go when I finally realized I have to (not that I don't sometimes hope), but I focused on those loved ones in my life who are both important and good to me as I am to them. I am lucky that I do have four grown children who do love and talk to me and call me a lot and a loving husband. Those are blessings from my Higher Power. Rather than trying to win back the one who left, I focus on those who are still with me and always will be.
Some of our grown kids are not nice people or are not doing good things or both. We want to love them, but they won't let us.
If your daughter is abusing drugs, I highly recommend getting into a support group so you can share with other parents. I'm thinking that drug users often go AWOL. At any rate, one thing that keeps me grounded is this (if you have no God, just leave God out of this)
God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I can not change,
the Courage to change the things I can,
And the Wisdom to know the difference.
