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Child with possible ODD, need help, advice
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 346806" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>You are exactly right. She currently can't control her emotions due to frustration at the sudden change in her 'world'. There really isn't anything much you can do about this in the short term. Keep doing what you can, especially if you feel it's working. As for her getting suddenly upset in the car - stay calm yourself and try to not comment on her rage. Simply say, "I'll pull over when I can so you can get the sunglasses."</p><p></p><p>When she got upset because "she's copying me" - instead of telling her, "no, she isn't" (because to her, it's as if YOU are being oppositional, it's actually teaching her to handle her own frustrations by denying what you say) try turning it into a question. "What makes you think she is copying you?"</p><p></p><p>Also you can ask, "Why is it not good for her to be copying you?"</p><p></p><p>Try to get her to think about it in a 'different direction" (not the "'tis", "tisn't" alternative). By asking her to explain what it is about the situation that she interprets as a problem, you're partly redirecting but leaving it up to her to explain, rather than you trying to explain it to her.</p><p></p><p>I suspect she would have said, "She's drawing too, and trying to do what I do."</p><p>You could then say, "Why is this a problem for you? Maybe she wants to be like you, she's perhaps looking up to you."</p><p>Don't tell her how things are; let her explore the possibilities and try to work it out for herself. You can help, you can ask questions, you can hint, but always include, "I think; what do you think?" and accept her opinions as valid.</p><p></p><p>Example - child asks, "Why is the moon shiny at night?" and instead of explaining in detail, you can ask, "What do you think could be the reason?" You could even go look it up on the internet together. It's a move from you as the law-giver and law-enforcer (however gentle) to you as the supporter, the calm in the storm, the person who can help her see things clearly for herself.</p><p></p><p>Her getting frustrated on the monkey bars - we had similar problems with difficult child 3 on the school "fort". It was a huge problem for us because the other kids knew how important it was to difficult child 3 to get his 'turn' and they would often abuse tis information to upset him (and thus provide entertainment). difficult child 3 would sometimes be late in to class because he had waited for his turn all lunch (with other kids annoying him, cutting in, or even getting him to rage so the teachers would make him go sit down and miss his turn even more) and by crikey, he was going to HAVE his turn! We had to regiment the play on the fort, so he could get a FAIR turn (and not have the other kids use it to upset him).</p><p>Also if he was trying to do a particular trick or achieve a certain goal (such as getting all the way across the flying fox without falling) then he would keep trying, often getting increasingly upset, until he got it.</p><p>This sort of persistence can be very difficult to handle, but it is actually one of the strengths in these kids - imagine how useful such persistence can be, when working on something important! These are kids who won't give up easily and walk away.</p><p>Did you say to her, "I'm proud of you choosing the swings" and she seemed to go back to the monkey bars in response to what you said? Or did she try the swings briefly then seem to decide she didn't want to swing after all?</p><p></p><p>If it's this last option, try asking her exactly what she is trying to achieve on the monkey bars, and ask her if she will let you help, so she can get to her goal more quickly. For example, if trying to hang from the ladder and walk hand over hand along it while hanging, you could offer to hold her for a practice go, so she can feel how to do it without having to take her full weight. Then you could apply less and less lift until she can do it by herself.</p><p></p><p>The level of frustration is something you can get in a number of conditions, including Asperger's. And as I said, later on (once she can harness it) this will stand her in very good stead.</p><p></p><p>Another example - a close friend of mine has a very stubborn (and difficult at times) daughter. This girl is also very bright - IQ above 140 somewhere. When she was about 18 months old, this girl decided she was going to learn to do up the buckles on her sandals. My friend said the little girl stayed put, bottom in the air, head down, working on those sandals, for half an hour, until she got it. Whenever my friend offered to do it for her or to help, the little girl screamed at her, "NO! ME do it!"</p><p>And she did it.</p><p></p><p>The trouble is, we have to cope with them as they learn to control it.</p><p></p><p>Roll on, psychiatric appointment...</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 346806, member: 1991"] You are exactly right. She currently can't control her emotions due to frustration at the sudden change in her 'world'. There really isn't anything much you can do about this in the short term. Keep doing what you can, especially if you feel it's working. As for her getting suddenly upset in the car - stay calm yourself and try to not comment on her rage. Simply say, "I'll pull over when I can so you can get the sunglasses." When she got upset because "she's copying me" - instead of telling her, "no, she isn't" (because to her, it's as if YOU are being oppositional, it's actually teaching her to handle her own frustrations by denying what you say) try turning it into a question. "What makes you think she is copying you?" Also you can ask, "Why is it not good for her to be copying you?" Try to get her to think about it in a 'different direction" (not the "'tis", "tisn't" alternative). By asking her to explain what it is about the situation that she interprets as a problem, you're partly redirecting but leaving it up to her to explain, rather than you trying to explain it to her. I suspect she would have said, "She's drawing too, and trying to do what I do." You could then say, "Why is this a problem for you? Maybe she wants to be like you, she's perhaps looking up to you." Don't tell her how things are; let her explore the possibilities and try to work it out for herself. You can help, you can ask questions, you can hint, but always include, "I think; what do you think?" and accept her opinions as valid. Example - child asks, "Why is the moon shiny at night?" and instead of explaining in detail, you can ask, "What do you think could be the reason?" You could even go look it up on the internet together. It's a move from you as the law-giver and law-enforcer (however gentle) to you as the supporter, the calm in the storm, the person who can help her see things clearly for herself. Her getting frustrated on the monkey bars - we had similar problems with difficult child 3 on the school "fort". It was a huge problem for us because the other kids knew how important it was to difficult child 3 to get his 'turn' and they would often abuse tis information to upset him (and thus provide entertainment). difficult child 3 would sometimes be late in to class because he had waited for his turn all lunch (with other kids annoying him, cutting in, or even getting him to rage so the teachers would make him go sit down and miss his turn even more) and by crikey, he was going to HAVE his turn! We had to regiment the play on the fort, so he could get a FAIR turn (and not have the other kids use it to upset him). Also if he was trying to do a particular trick or achieve a certain goal (such as getting all the way across the flying fox without falling) then he would keep trying, often getting increasingly upset, until he got it. This sort of persistence can be very difficult to handle, but it is actually one of the strengths in these kids - imagine how useful such persistence can be, when working on something important! These are kids who won't give up easily and walk away. Did you say to her, "I'm proud of you choosing the swings" and she seemed to go back to the monkey bars in response to what you said? Or did she try the swings briefly then seem to decide she didn't want to swing after all? If it's this last option, try asking her exactly what she is trying to achieve on the monkey bars, and ask her if she will let you help, so she can get to her goal more quickly. For example, if trying to hang from the ladder and walk hand over hand along it while hanging, you could offer to hold her for a practice go, so she can feel how to do it without having to take her full weight. Then you could apply less and less lift until she can do it by herself. The level of frustration is something you can get in a number of conditions, including Asperger's. And as I said, later on (once she can harness it) this will stand her in very good stead. Another example - a close friend of mine has a very stubborn (and difficult at times) daughter. This girl is also very bright - IQ above 140 somewhere. When she was about 18 months old, this girl decided she was going to learn to do up the buckles on her sandals. My friend said the little girl stayed put, bottom in the air, head down, working on those sandals, for half an hour, until she got it. Whenever my friend offered to do it for her or to help, the little girl screamed at her, "NO! ME do it!" And she did it. The trouble is, we have to cope with them as they learn to control it. Roll on, psychiatric appointment... Marg [/QUOTE]
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