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Choosing which parent to live with.ing a descripti
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<blockquote data-quote="coalminer1235" data-source="post: 99412" data-attributes="member: 4339"><p>Hi,</p><p></p><p>About three years ago I met and subsequently married my soul-mate. I have two girls from my first marriage, she has two boys and two girls. My oldest daughter was difficult, to put it mildly, but eventually found her own way and left me thinking that even if a child is difficult, if a parent takes a stand and sticks to it anything can be worked out. I was not prepared for my youngest stepdaughter. </p><p></p><p>Reading any of the ODD literature is like reading an exact description of her. Her primary medical doctor is familiar with ODD and after seeing her on several occasions pulled us aside and stated flatly that we are in for the worst 3 years (she's currently 13) of our entire lives. I won't bother with examples of her behavior as I'm sure many or all of you have seen the same or similar. </p><p></p><p>When we decided to get married, I made a commitment to try to be as involved as much as I could as a stepfather and I have (I think) a pretty good relationship with three of my stepchildren. But with the difficult child, I have had to pretty much excuse myself from any role other than to be a bodyguard for my wife when difficult child becomes physically abusive toward her mom. In addition to not wanting to endure any more emotional abuse from difficult child, I refuse to be alone with her under any circumstances because she has repeatedly threatened to "call the police and make up stories" to get both I and her mom arrested. I'm not sure what more there is for me to do as a stepfather other than to support my wife as much as possible.</p><p></p><p>difficult child's father is a "former" meth user, insofar as one can be a "former" meth user, an admitted alcoholic and a pathological liar. However, in difficult child's view of the world he is a saint and all his problems are caused by my wife (e.g. if he says he'll pick her up at 3, then turns off his phone and doesn't show up or call back for a few days then that is my wifes fault.) Our counselor has recommended that we do nothing to interfere with her belief that her dad is perfect in every way and loves and adores her as the counselor believes that even a fantasy view of her dad as a good dad is better than accepting the reality. When we do occasionally slip and say something even mildly negative about him or challenge her view of her father with a fact, she becomes immediately enraged. So even if we didn't agree with the counselor we have learned that the truth does not set us free, so to speak.</p><p></p><p>Now for the part where I ask your opinions. We are planning to move across country to the east coast within a year and my wife is faced with either taking difficult child with us (essentially forcing her to go against her will) or relinquishing custody to her father who would jump at the chance not because he wants to be a good father, but simply to avoid child support (he's &gt; $20,000 delinquent at the moment). I've read enough stories about kids with these problems to make me believe that this girl has some very rough times ahead of her, regardless of where she lives. I'm honest enough with myself to realize that I'd like her to stay with her father because she puts a serious strain on every other relationship in our home (two other teenagers are still with us at home) and frankly I don't like seeing my wife constantly emotionally assaulted and physically bullied. I'd like to hear someones opinion who has experienced what we are dealing with and can be objective, as I obviously cannot be. I'd like to be able to give my wife some non-selfish advice, but am finding it extremely difficult to do. It's not hard to rationalize to myself that difficult child would be better off with her dad when that also means we'd get some peace at home.</p><p></p><p>I'll note that in rare moments the difficult child is a great, intelligent kid with an awesome sense of humor and is a joy to be around. But these moments are extremely rare and when they occur they usually end with her seeming to realize that she's forgotten herself for a moment or let down her guard and then she snaps back into defiant and abusive behavior. I know there is an awesome kid in there, I'm just not convinced my wife or our home is the place that can get that awesome kid to come out. It makes me feel like <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/2012/censored2.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":censored2:" title="censored2 :censored2:" data-shortname=":censored2:" /> to want to give up and it is much harder on my wife as she considers it. Deciding what is "right" or "wrong" in this situation is complicated, to make an understatement.</p><p></p><p>Thanks,</p><p></p><p>griznog</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="coalminer1235, post: 99412, member: 4339"] Hi, About three years ago I met and subsequently married my soul-mate. I have two girls from my first marriage, she has two boys and two girls. My oldest daughter was difficult, to put it mildly, but eventually found her own way and left me thinking that even if a child is difficult, if a parent takes a stand and sticks to it anything can be worked out. I was not prepared for my youngest stepdaughter. Reading any of the ODD literature is like reading an exact description of her. Her primary medical doctor is familiar with ODD and after seeing her on several occasions pulled us aside and stated flatly that we are in for the worst 3 years (she's currently 13) of our entire lives. I won't bother with examples of her behavior as I'm sure many or all of you have seen the same or similar. When we decided to get married, I made a commitment to try to be as involved as much as I could as a stepfather and I have (I think) a pretty good relationship with three of my stepchildren. But with the difficult child, I have had to pretty much excuse myself from any role other than to be a bodyguard for my wife when difficult child becomes physically abusive toward her mom. In addition to not wanting to endure any more emotional abuse from difficult child, I refuse to be alone with her under any circumstances because she has repeatedly threatened to "call the police and make up stories" to get both I and her mom arrested. I'm not sure what more there is for me to do as a stepfather other than to support my wife as much as possible. difficult child's father is a "former" meth user, insofar as one can be a "former" meth user, an admitted alcoholic and a pathological liar. However, in difficult child's view of the world he is a saint and all his problems are caused by my wife (e.g. if he says he'll pick her up at 3, then turns off his phone and doesn't show up or call back for a few days then that is my wifes fault.) Our counselor has recommended that we do nothing to interfere with her belief that her dad is perfect in every way and loves and adores her as the counselor believes that even a fantasy view of her dad as a good dad is better than accepting the reality. When we do occasionally slip and say something even mildly negative about him or challenge her view of her father with a fact, she becomes immediately enraged. So even if we didn't agree with the counselor we have learned that the truth does not set us free, so to speak. Now for the part where I ask your opinions. We are planning to move across country to the east coast within a year and my wife is faced with either taking difficult child with us (essentially forcing her to go against her will) or relinquishing custody to her father who would jump at the chance not because he wants to be a good father, but simply to avoid child support (he's > $20,000 delinquent at the moment). I've read enough stories about kids with these problems to make me believe that this girl has some very rough times ahead of her, regardless of where she lives. I'm honest enough with myself to realize that I'd like her to stay with her father because she puts a serious strain on every other relationship in our home (two other teenagers are still with us at home) and frankly I don't like seeing my wife constantly emotionally assaulted and physically bullied. I'd like to hear someones opinion who has experienced what we are dealing with and can be objective, as I obviously cannot be. I'd like to be able to give my wife some non-selfish advice, but am finding it extremely difficult to do. It's not hard to rationalize to myself that difficult child would be better off with her dad when that also means we'd get some peace at home. I'll note that in rare moments the difficult child is a great, intelligent kid with an awesome sense of humor and is a joy to be around. But these moments are extremely rare and when they occur they usually end with her seeming to realize that she's forgotten herself for a moment or let down her guard and then she snaps back into defiant and abusive behavior. I know there is an awesome kid in there, I'm just not convinced my wife or our home is the place that can get that awesome kid to come out. It makes me feel like :censored: to want to give up and it is much harder on my wife as she considers it. Deciding what is "right" or "wrong" in this situation is complicated, to make an understatement. Thanks, griznog [/QUOTE]
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