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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 753550" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I am not married but I asked M to leave my house in January, after 9 years living together. It was the right thing for me to do. I want control over contact. I want to decide how and when. For a few months he did not surrender his key. I hated when he would unlock the door and enter without consent. *Yes. I could never hear the doorbell. But he could have called.</p><p></p><p>It was very hard to tell him I wanted the key, and he was hurt. But I did it. And it's way, way better. Now, he has to call me first, because I seldom here the doorbell. Good.</p><p></p><p>M is dependent in some ways. Like with food. I have continued to cook for him everyday. I can handle that. Even though it's a bit unusual. It gives my life structure knowing I'll see him most days.</p><p></p><p>I knew a women at the bank, Molly. She told me she that even though her house was only 5 minutes from the bank, she would not go home for lunch. Because she was a reader. Her husband would never stop talking to her if she would go home for lunch. She wanted to read so she preferred to stay at work where people would leave her alone. If I think about it, when M lived here, I stayed in my bedroom, where I had peace and solitude. I need a lot of alone time.</p><p></p><p>I guess what I am saying is that I think men can be more dependent and less self-reliant than women. For example widowers have a way harder time than do widows.</p><p></p><p>Is he willing to hear you about your experience in the marriage? There were aspects in my relationship that were not changeable and I am not married. I had to realize that there was no room for improvement. That what I had, was all I would ever have. That may or may not be the case with you. I was forced to accept that I was settling. I could not continue to do that.</p><p></p><p>Will your husband work with you to make your relationship better? Can he listen to you about your experience and how you feel? Are each of you open to putting in the work and the risk to change together?</p><p></p><p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">It may boil down to RN's question. <em>Do you love him?</em> Or maybe not. Maybe something in you is motivating you to experience him differently.</span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></span></p><p>Given all of the disequilibrium in relationship to your daughter right now, could it be that you're more sensitive to your husband's vulnerability? Displacement is when we put one problem onto a relationship where it does not belong. Could your sensitivity to your husband right now be heightened and colored because of the problems with your daughter? You feel vulnerable right now. Are you seeking to feel more in control by experiencing your husband as more vulnerable? It may be worth a look.</p><p></p><p>This is the same man you've living with for many year, as far as I know. Did you just wake up today and find him annoying? If so, the question is why?</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 753550, member: 18958"] I am not married but I asked M to leave my house in January, after 9 years living together. It was the right thing for me to do. I want control over contact. I want to decide how and when. For a few months he did not surrender his key. I hated when he would unlock the door and enter without consent. *Yes. I could never hear the doorbell. But he could have called. It was very hard to tell him I wanted the key, and he was hurt. But I did it. And it's way, way better. Now, he has to call me first, because I seldom here the doorbell. Good. M is dependent in some ways. Like with food. I have continued to cook for him everyday. I can handle that. Even though it's a bit unusual. It gives my life structure knowing I'll see him most days. I knew a women at the bank, Molly. She told me she that even though her house was only 5 minutes from the bank, she would not go home for lunch. Because she was a reader. Her husband would never stop talking to her if she would go home for lunch. She wanted to read so she preferred to stay at work where people would leave her alone. If I think about it, when M lived here, I stayed in my bedroom, where I had peace and solitude. I need a lot of alone time. I guess what I am saying is that I think men can be more dependent and less self-reliant than women. For example widowers have a way harder time than do widows. Is he willing to hear you about your experience in the marriage? There were aspects in my relationship that were not changeable and I am not married. I had to realize that there was no room for improvement. That what I had, was all I would ever have. That may or may not be the case with you. I was forced to accept that I was settling. I could not continue to do that. Will your husband work with you to make your relationship better? Can he listen to you about your experience and how you feel? Are each of you open to putting in the work and the risk to change together? [LEFT][FONT=trebuchet ms][COLOR=rgb(20, 20, 20)]It may boil down to RN's question. [I]Do you love him?[/I] Or maybe not. Maybe something in you is motivating you to experience him differently. [/COLOR][/FONT][/LEFT] Given all of the disequilibrium in relationship to your daughter right now, could it be that you're more sensitive to your husband's vulnerability? Displacement is when we put one problem onto a relationship where it does not belong. Could your sensitivity to your husband right now be heightened and colored because of the problems with your daughter? You feel vulnerable right now. Are you seeking to feel more in control by experiencing your husband as more vulnerable? It may be worth a look. This is the same man you've living with for many year, as far as I know. Did you just wake up today and find him annoying? If so, the question is why? [/QUOTE]
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