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Computer help...I think husband is "surfing"
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<blockquote data-quote="hearts and roses" data-source="post: 17306" data-attributes="member: 2211"><p>If either spouse is engaging in a behavior that is upsetting and/or damaging to the relationship, it needs to be addressed. </p><p></p><p>If a spouse one days decides to start looking at porn, it CAN be an indicator that there are underlying issues that need to be looked at closely, for instance, control issues, lack of intimacy (emotional and physical), alcohol or drug abuse, and various other reasons. If, however, a spouse has been using and hiding porn for years, or if thier is a great decline in sex with thier partner, then it's probably an addiction. Porn and m.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.i.o.n often can replace the physical intimacy in a relationship and this hurts a partner, whether they are or were accepting of porn prior to the discovery or not.</p><p></p><p>Yes, I know, some of you may be screaming about that deduction, however, porn addiction has become quite a problem since the boom of the internet...there are no ways of controlling it, access is rampant, young men and boys are using it at much younger ages and it has been proven to distort the meaning of a concensual, adult, mutually satisfying and loving sexual relationship; it's been proven to skew the way in which men view women and thier place in our society. </p><p></p><p>Because most porn is single user only...there is a loss of that mutually satisfying emotional intimacy that two people share together. If that is the basis for a young man/boys experience with sex, or sexual gratification, it can and often does lead to intimacy problems with future real actual human beings. </p><p></p><p>If a couple mutually agrees to use porn as a means of stimulation within thier relationship, it's fine. But if one is using and hiding it from his/her partner, then it's an issue, ESPECIALLY if the partner is not happy about it. Some people, most spouses, feel betrayed when they learn thier spouse has been using porn; some feel like it's cheating or diminishes the specialness of the existing marriage or relationship. </p><p></p><p>There is no right or wrong reaction here. If it is bothering Beth, then it needs to be addressed and dealt with in whatever means she sees fit - and the outcome needs to be mutually satisfying to both Beth and her H. If he placates her and then becomes better at hiding the porn, she will inevitably make another discovery and be back at square one. If she feels so strongly against it, she cannot simply flip a switch in her heart and head and make those feelings go away - it is her core reaction that she needs to examine.</p><p></p><p>Beth, talk to your H. Get to the bottom of this and then make a decision about what you want to do. Can you live with this in your life or can't you? Is H willing to give it up in order to stay married to you? </p><p></p><p>If you try to spy on him over this, you are micromanaging him and his private time. It is a breach of trust for him to go behind your back and seek this out if he knows you don't want him to. However, it is a breach of trust for you to spy on him. If he promises you that he won't do it again, then you have to trust that he won't and move forward (and he can get some support for this change through counseling). If he proves to be a liar, then you have the opportunity to revisit your options once again. </p><p></p><p>Best of luck and many many gentle hugs to your hurting heart. Do not let anyone tell you you're over reacting or judging too harshly - to do that would be to deny your own feelings.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="hearts and roses, post: 17306, member: 2211"] If either spouse is engaging in a behavior that is upsetting and/or damaging to the relationship, it needs to be addressed. If a spouse one days decides to start looking at porn, it CAN be an indicator that there are underlying issues that need to be looked at closely, for instance, control issues, lack of intimacy (emotional and physical), alcohol or drug abuse, and various other reasons. If, however, a spouse has been using and hiding porn for years, or if thier is a great decline in sex with thier partner, then it's probably an addiction. Porn and m.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.i.o.n often can replace the physical intimacy in a relationship and this hurts a partner, whether they are or were accepting of porn prior to the discovery or not. Yes, I know, some of you may be screaming about that deduction, however, porn addiction has become quite a problem since the boom of the internet...there are no ways of controlling it, access is rampant, young men and boys are using it at much younger ages and it has been proven to distort the meaning of a concensual, adult, mutually satisfying and loving sexual relationship; it's been proven to skew the way in which men view women and thier place in our society. Because most porn is single user only...there is a loss of that mutually satisfying emotional intimacy that two people share together. If that is the basis for a young man/boys experience with sex, or sexual gratification, it can and often does lead to intimacy problems with future real actual human beings. If a couple mutually agrees to use porn as a means of stimulation within thier relationship, it's fine. But if one is using and hiding it from his/her partner, then it's an issue, ESPECIALLY if the partner is not happy about it. Some people, most spouses, feel betrayed when they learn thier spouse has been using porn; some feel like it's cheating or diminishes the specialness of the existing marriage or relationship. There is no right or wrong reaction here. If it is bothering Beth, then it needs to be addressed and dealt with in whatever means she sees fit - and the outcome needs to be mutually satisfying to both Beth and her H. If he placates her and then becomes better at hiding the porn, she will inevitably make another discovery and be back at square one. If she feels so strongly against it, she cannot simply flip a switch in her heart and head and make those feelings go away - it is her core reaction that she needs to examine. Beth, talk to your H. Get to the bottom of this and then make a decision about what you want to do. Can you live with this in your life or can't you? Is H willing to give it up in order to stay married to you? If you try to spy on him over this, you are micromanaging him and his private time. It is a breach of trust for him to go behind your back and seek this out if he knows you don't want him to. However, it is a breach of trust for you to spy on him. If he promises you that he won't do it again, then you have to trust that he won't and move forward (and he can get some support for this change through counseling). If he proves to be a liar, then you have the opportunity to revisit your options once again. Best of luck and many many gentle hugs to your hurting heart. Do not let anyone tell you you're over reacting or judging too harshly - to do that would be to deny your own feelings. [/QUOTE]
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Computer help...I think husband is "surfing"
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