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Computer help...I think husband is "surfing"
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<blockquote data-quote="hearts and roses" data-source="post: 17338" data-attributes="member: 2211"><p>I think my post caused some confusion...I wasn't saying that the OP's H is an addict. I was saying that it could be a window into why some people are so averse to the presence of porn in thier lives. For some, porn is unacceptable, for others, it's just a natural part of being male.</p><p></p><p>I think the first step in any situation is to talk about it and I said so in my post. I never said to Beth, "leave your H, he's an addict"...I merely was bringing to light the fact that no one can tell another person how to feel about something. What one person can brush off as normal another person may be completely a mess about. Many of responses seemed to insinuate that Beth was making too much of it...but they are her feelings. Just to clarify...</p><p></p><p></p><p><div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: JoG</div><div class="ubbcode-body"><strong>If either spouse is engaging in a behavior that is upsetting and/or damaging to the relationship, it needs to be addressed. </strong></p><p></p><p><em><strong>There is no right or wrong reaction here. </strong></em> If it is bothering Beth, then it needs to be addressed and dealt with in whatever means she sees fit - and the outcome needs to be mutually satisfying to both Beth and her H. If he placates her and then becomes better at hiding the porn, she will inevitably make another discovery and be back at square one. If she feels so strongly against it, she cannot simply flip a switch in her heart and head and make those feelings go away - it is her core reaction that she needs to examine.</p><p></p><p><strong>Beth, talk to your H. Get to the bottom of this and then make a decision about what you want to do. Can you live with this in your life or can't you? Is H willing to give it up in order to stay married to you? </strong></p><p></p><p><strong>If you try to spy on him over this, you are micromanaging him and his private time.</strong> It is a breach of trust for him to go behind your back and seek this out if he knows you don't want him to. However, <strong>it is a breach of trust for you to spy on him. </strong>If he promises you that he won't do it again, then you have to trust that he won't and move forward (and he can get some support for this change through counseling). If he proves to be a liar, then you have the opportunity to revisit your options once again. </p><p></p><p>Best of luck and many many gentle hugs to your hurting heart. Do not let anyone tell you you're over reacting or judging too harshly - to do that would be to deny your own feelings. </div></div></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="hearts and roses, post: 17338, member: 2211"] I think my post caused some confusion...I wasn't saying that the OP's H is an addict. I was saying that it could be a window into why some people are so averse to the presence of porn in thier lives. For some, porn is unacceptable, for others, it's just a natural part of being male. I think the first step in any situation is to talk about it and I said so in my post. I never said to Beth, "leave your H, he's an addict"...I merely was bringing to light the fact that no one can tell another person how to feel about something. What one person can brush off as normal another person may be completely a mess about. Many of responses seemed to insinuate that Beth was making too much of it...but they are her feelings. Just to clarify... <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: JoG</div><div class="ubbcode-body">[b]If either spouse is engaging in a behavior that is upsetting and/or damaging to the relationship, it needs to be addressed. [/b] [i][b]There is no right or wrong reaction here. [/b][/i] If it is bothering Beth, then it needs to be addressed and dealt with in whatever means she sees fit - and the outcome needs to be mutually satisfying to both Beth and her H. If he placates her and then becomes better at hiding the porn, she will inevitably make another discovery and be back at square one. If she feels so strongly against it, she cannot simply flip a switch in her heart and head and make those feelings go away - it is her core reaction that she needs to examine. [b]Beth, talk to your H. Get to the bottom of this and then make a decision about what you want to do. Can you live with this in your life or can't you? Is H willing to give it up in order to stay married to you? [/b] [b]If you try to spy on him over this, you are micromanaging him and his private time.[/b] It is a breach of trust for him to go behind your back and seek this out if he knows you don't want him to. However, [b]it is a breach of trust for you to spy on him. [/b]If he promises you that he won't do it again, then you have to trust that he won't and move forward (and he can get some support for this change through counseling). If he proves to be a liar, then you have the opportunity to revisit your options once again. Best of luck and many many gentle hugs to your hurting heart. Do not let anyone tell you you're over reacting or judging too harshly - to do that would be to deny your own feelings. </div></div> [/QUOTE]
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Computer help...I think husband is "surfing"
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