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Coping with Gossip in the Family
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 623755" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>That your sister is using what is happening to your son to forge a different kind of relationship with your mother is deeply wrong, Stress.</p><p></p><p>That happened to me, too.</p><p></p><p>You can, and should, tell your mother you expect her to be your (and her grandson's) staunch supporter and defender, whether she is talking to your sister, or to someone else. If you have a close relationship with mom, you can tell her that you are very angry at the way she betrayed you, and her grandson, in her conversations with your sister.</p><p></p><p>Here is the thing, Stress.</p><p></p><p>An excellent sister would not have been creeping your son's Facebook in the first place. </p><p></p><p>An excellent sister who somehow stumbled onto that information would not have gone behind your back to present your son in that light to your parents. </p><p></p><p>The jury is still out on mom.</p><p></p><p>An excellent mother would not have allowed this nastiness from your sister.</p><p></p><p>I'm just saying.</p><p></p><p>Back to the sister: An excellent sister would hold strong for you, would be your safe place, would be, along with your mother, your sounding board and place of rest. Together, you would be trying to save JT. There is strength in that kind of togetherness. If that is not what you have with them, Stress...better you should face that head on.</p><p></p><p>Even a just good enough sister would not have been creeping your son's Facebook.</p><p></p><p>I'm sorry, Stress...but an excellent mother would have stood up for you to your sister in your absence. </p><p></p><p>Back to what an excellent sister would have done. An excellent sister would have kept what she knew to herself; if she did bring it up with you, she would have reminded you of how fortunate you both are that Facebook did not exist when you were young enough to have posted foolish or inappropriate things. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>When my children were little and all was right in my world, my sister and her cohorts prayed a "ring of thorns" around my family, to "bring me to the Lord". My point in bringing it up here is that sisterhood is no guarantee of loyalty or even, of love. Sisters can, sometimes, function almost exclusively out of jealousy. Though the church in which the "ring of thorns" thing happened is long since defunct, my sister continues in that same religion. For all I know, she is probably still praying up a storm for my "salvation", and for the salvation of each of the members of my family. </p><p></p><p>In any event, once my children were in such deep trouble, my sister behaved in the same way with my parents that your sister is behaving with yours. My mother...responded as yours did.</p><p></p><p>If I hadn't been so destroyed by it, I might have had the sense to confront them. At least I would have had that satisfaction. </p><p></p><p>But I didn't get it. I still don't understand the dynamic there. I don't understand what value my sister, or my mother, took in further destroying me.</p><p></p><p>But they did.</p><p></p><p>I was in such a dull state of shock at the time that, while what she was doing registered...it just meant so little, given that I was losing everything that mattered to me. I continued trying to pull things together, continued "understanding" instead of standing up for myself and my children.... They got meaner, Stress. Something about the vulnerability created in us when our kids are in danger...I don't know. Makes them want to attack, I guess.</p><p> </p><p>I am sorry this is happening, Stress.</p><p></p><p>Maybe I am wrong about your sister and your mom. I am just a person on this site, telling you what happened to me.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I love this, MWM.</p><p></p><p>I need to remember this for myself.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>True.</p><p></p><p>For me, that is what detachment is all about.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>My sister and I made a pact, at one point, that we would establish family connections in spite of the way we were raised. It has taken me a really long time...but just lately? I finally see that I am the only one who ever honored that pact we made. I excused so much in my sister. I was the eldest, too. Recovering posted to me once that what happened to me is something called "parentification". To this moment, I carry a certain (overwhelming) amount of guilt for what happened to my siblings, for the things I could not protect them from.</p><p></p><p>Here's the thing: I am only two years older than my sister. Abuse is such a terrible thing.</p><p></p><p>Maybe, she hates me because I did not protect her?</p><p> </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I am learning to do that now, Stress. Posting to your thread has been cathartic for me. I know all these things...but I never let myself feel them.</p><p></p><p>There is so much anger here. I never do like to acknowledge my anger. I don't know what to do with it.</p><p></p><p>For me, the fantasy of family is so strong that "accepting what is" only got me more firmly into denial. I am having to go back and really see what the nature of the relationship between my sister and myself has been.</p><p></p><p>Sadly, I think I don't see any relationship, at all. </p><p></p><p>I feel a sense of loss at acknowledging that. But, like so many other things I have cherished...I haven't lost anything, because I never had what I pretended I did, in the first place.</p><p></p><p>So I guess that will be alright, then.</p><p></p><p>Probably, I will be very much less vulnerable to her, in future.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Busywend may be right, Stress. Again, I am posting about what happened to me. I hope nothing like that is happening to you.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>This is good and strong, COM. Into my quote box it goes.</p><p></p><p>Thank you.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes.</p><p></p><p>That is where we begin to heal. </p><p></p><p>I am sorry these things are happening to you, Stress Bunny. Though it is hurtful to acknowledge betrayal, it is better to know. I did not know for such a long time.... There are two people in my circle ~ one a family member, one a friend ~ who held strong for me, who did not betray my trust. </p><p></p><p>Out of all those people....</p><p></p><p>Someone here posted that the best responses are: </p><p></p><p>"Pray for him." </p><p></p><p>"You're right. He is in the middle of something right now. We are all working very hard. Pray for him."</p><p></p><p>A special prayer going up for you tonight, Stressbunny.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 623755, member: 17461"] That your sister is using what is happening to your son to forge a different kind of relationship with your mother is deeply wrong, Stress. That happened to me, too. You can, and should, tell your mother you expect her to be your (and her grandson's) staunch supporter and defender, whether she is talking to your sister, or to someone else. If you have a close relationship with mom, you can tell her that you are very angry at the way she betrayed you, and her grandson, in her conversations with your sister. Here is the thing, Stress. An excellent sister would not have been creeping your son's Facebook in the first place. An excellent sister who somehow stumbled onto that information would not have gone behind your back to present your son in that light to your parents. The jury is still out on mom. An excellent mother would not have allowed this nastiness from your sister. I'm just saying. Back to the sister: An excellent sister would hold strong for you, would be your safe place, would be, along with your mother, your sounding board and place of rest. Together, you would be trying to save JT. There is strength in that kind of togetherness. If that is not what you have with them, Stress...better you should face that head on. Even a just good enough sister would not have been creeping your son's Facebook. I'm sorry, Stress...but an excellent mother would have stood up for you to your sister in your absence. Back to what an excellent sister would have done. An excellent sister would have kept what she knew to herself; if she did bring it up with you, she would have reminded you of how fortunate you both are that Facebook did not exist when you were young enough to have posted foolish or inappropriate things. When my children were little and all was right in my world, my sister and her cohorts prayed a "ring of thorns" around my family, to "bring me to the Lord". My point in bringing it up here is that sisterhood is no guarantee of loyalty or even, of love. Sisters can, sometimes, function almost exclusively out of jealousy. Though the church in which the "ring of thorns" thing happened is long since defunct, my sister continues in that same religion. For all I know, she is probably still praying up a storm for my "salvation", and for the salvation of each of the members of my family. In any event, once my children were in such deep trouble, my sister behaved in the same way with my parents that your sister is behaving with yours. My mother...responded as yours did. If I hadn't been so destroyed by it, I might have had the sense to confront them. At least I would have had that satisfaction. But I didn't get it. I still don't understand the dynamic there. I don't understand what value my sister, or my mother, took in further destroying me. But they did. I was in such a dull state of shock at the time that, while what she was doing registered...it just meant so little, given that I was losing everything that mattered to me. I continued trying to pull things together, continued "understanding" instead of standing up for myself and my children.... They got meaner, Stress. Something about the vulnerability created in us when our kids are in danger...I don't know. Makes them want to attack, I guess. I am sorry this is happening, Stress. Maybe I am wrong about your sister and your mom. I am just a person on this site, telling you what happened to me. I love this, MWM. I need to remember this for myself. True. For me, that is what detachment is all about. My sister and I made a pact, at one point, that we would establish family connections in spite of the way we were raised. It has taken me a really long time...but just lately? I finally see that I am the only one who ever honored that pact we made. I excused so much in my sister. I was the eldest, too. Recovering posted to me once that what happened to me is something called "parentification". To this moment, I carry a certain (overwhelming) amount of guilt for what happened to my siblings, for the things I could not protect them from. Here's the thing: I am only two years older than my sister. Abuse is such a terrible thing. Maybe, she hates me because I did not protect her? I am learning to do that now, Stress. Posting to your thread has been cathartic for me. I know all these things...but I never let myself feel them. There is so much anger here. I never do like to acknowledge my anger. I don't know what to do with it. For me, the fantasy of family is so strong that "accepting what is" only got me more firmly into denial. I am having to go back and really see what the nature of the relationship between my sister and myself has been. Sadly, I think I don't see any relationship, at all. I feel a sense of loss at acknowledging that. But, like so many other things I have cherished...I haven't lost anything, because I never had what I pretended I did, in the first place. So I guess that will be alright, then. Probably, I will be very much less vulnerable to her, in future. Busywend may be right, Stress. Again, I am posting about what happened to me. I hope nothing like that is happening to you. :O) This is good and strong, COM. Into my quote box it goes. Thank you. Yes. That is where we begin to heal. I am sorry these things are happening to you, Stress Bunny. Though it is hurtful to acknowledge betrayal, it is better to know. I did not know for such a long time.... There are two people in my circle ~ one a family member, one a friend ~ who held strong for me, who did not betray my trust. Out of all those people.... Someone here posted that the best responses are: "Pray for him." "You're right. He is in the middle of something right now. We are all working very hard. Pray for him." A special prayer going up for you tonight, Stressbunny. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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