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Coping with Oppositional Defiance
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<blockquote data-quote="KateM" data-source="post: 167964" data-attributes="member: 1973"><p>I received this through a listserve for parents of Asperger kids. It contains alot of useful, practical tips.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Coping with Oppositional Defiance</p><p></p><p></p><p>In many cases, oppositional disorders coexist with attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder. In this case, the</p><p>impulsivity and hyperactivity of ADHD can greatly amplify the defiance and</p><p>uncontrolled anger of ODD. Symptoms of ODD can also appear as part of major</p><p>depressive disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, or mania. Some children</p><p>with separation anxiety disorder may also evidence oppositional</p><p>behaviors.</p><p></p><p>So, what do we do?</p><p></p><p>Unfortunately, there are no simple solutions. But, here are some of the key approaches.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Individual Psychotherapy </p><p>Finding a psychologist or play therapist with whom your child can develop a good relationship can be very</p><p>valuable. Often children with ODD feel as if they dont live up to their parents</p><p>expectations and this frustration exacerbates their disorder.</p><p>When a therapist provides unconditional acceptance, the therapist is in a position</p><p>to help your child learn some effective anger management techniques that</p><p>decrease defiance and naturally lead to more positive parental feedback.</p><p>The therapist may also employ cognitive behavioral techniques to help your</p><p>child learn effective problem solving skills that will improve social</p><p>interactions inside and outside the home. The support gained through</p><p>therapy can counterbalance the frequent messages of failure to which the</p><p>child with ODD is often exposed.</p><p></p><p>Social Skills Training</p><p>Coupled with other therapies, social skills training has been effective in improving social behaviors that result from a childs angry, defiant approach to rules. Incorporating reinforcement</p><p>strategies and rewards for appropriate behavior helps children learn to generalize positive behavior.</p><p>Social skills training, can help children learn to evaluate social situations and adjust their behavior accordingly. Metaanalyses of research on social skills has shown that the only</p><p>successful social skills training interventions are those that provide training in the child's natural</p><p>environments (home and classroom) so that generalization is built in.To accomplish this you will need your childs Individualized Education Plan (IEP) from school to includeCommunity Based Instruction using social skills training.</p><p></p><p>Medication is only recommended when the symptoms of ODD occur with other</p><p>conditions, such as ADHD, obsessive compulsive disorder (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)), or anxiety</p><p>disorder. When stimulants are used to treat attention deficit/hyperactivity disorders, they also appear to lessen oppositional symptoms in the child. There is no medication specifically for treating</p><p>symptoms of ODD where there is no other emotional disorder. In lieu of medication, you might</p><p>wish to investigate EEG neurofeedback, a nonpharmacological intervention which is effective at teaching children to self-calm, thereby increasing their adaptability and decreasing oppositionalism that results from poor adaptability. In addition, if your child is often moody and angry, you may ask your pediatrician to explore the possibility of prescribing transcranial electrotherapy for your home. This involves the use of a</p><p>portable unit called Alpha stimulant, which generates low voltage alpha waves (the kind of waves the brain generates when it is calm and focused). Your child can wear this noninvasive devise for 20-30</p><p>minutes per day, to induce a relaxed, peaceful state without need for medication.</p><p></p><p>Practical Suggestions for Parents </p><p></p><p>Enlist others to help you: You need help on a consistent basis. This means you need to</p><p>speak with your parents, your siblings, your husbands parents and siblings, your neighbors and let them know that your child has a disorder which is difficult to control and very demanding</p><p>on you as a parent. Therefore, you need help on a regular basis from now</p><p>until your child is grown. Ask each to commit to help in some concrete fashion. This might</p><p>mean that someone watches your child every week so you can go grocery</p><p>shopping without a hassle, it may mean that grandma has the kids for dinner</p><p>every Saturday so you and your spouse can have a meal and a conversation</p><p>without interruption. It might mean that Uncle Mike takes you son for a</p><p>bike ride on Sundays after church so you and your husband can pay your</p><p>bills. You decide what you need, and ask each person in your support</p><p>network to make a specific commitment to help you. In short, do</p><p>everything you can to share the burden of parenting. This includes asking all</p><p>interested parties to learn about your childs disorder(s) and IDEA and</p><p>to participate in IEP meetings with the school district.</p><p></p><p>Set up an appropriate school program: If your child is not already classified,</p><p>make a written referral for your child to be evaluated for special education. Request a Functional Behavioral Analysis as part of the evaluation process. Once eligibility is determined, you want to</p><p>advocate for an IEP that include a Behavioral Intervention Plan with positive</p><p>behavioral supports to reduce the occurrence of oppositional and defiant behaviors. You also want this plan to stipulate that in or out of school suspensions may not be employed as a disciplinary measure with your child, and that your child may not lose recess. It is also important to have weekly counseling sessions with the school psychologist as part of your childs IEP with goals to develop relaxation and anger management skills, along with problem solving and coping mechanisms. Additionally,insist on having monthly parent training sessions in behavior management in your childs IEP so that you can carry over any effective interventions the school is employing to the home environment. Be certain that the IEP also indicates your child will be staying after school for aftercare and that a</p><p>staff member is to utilize this time to assist your child in completion of</p><p>all homework assignments and projects. This component is important because</p><p>it will eliminate a major source of conflict at home.</p><p></p><p>Finally, dont forget to make certain that the IEP includes community based instruction at</p><p>home and other locals your child frequently visits using social skills training.</p><p></p><p>Access community services: </p><p>Consider putting your child in daycare before and after school. Insist that homework is completed</p><p>in the afterschool program so that this source of conflict is eliminated from</p><p>the home environment. For weekends and holidays and summer vacations,</p><p>consider having your child participate in programs offered by Big Brother</p><p>and Big Sisters or Boy Scouts/Girl Scouts. Summer camps provide an</p><p>excellent opportunity for your child to start over with adults and</p><p>children who dont know their history of defiance and who will expect and</p><p>therefore automatically reinforce compliance. They also provide you much</p><p>needed time to self-nurture so that you will replenish your own</p><p>reserves and be better equipped to deal with your child when s/he arrives</p><p>home from camp. Dont forget to ask for help from your local religious</p><p>organization. Someone from your church or temple may be equipped</p><p>to provide some spiritual counseling for your child. This can be important</p><p>as prayers have been documented as an effective method of stress</p><p>management and anger control. Additionally, there may be someone who is</p><p>able to assist concretely by providing some much needed tutoring, or</p><p>picking up your families groceries while they pick up theirs or even</p><p>picking up.</p><p></p><p>The last step is respite foster care on a regular</p><p>basis: If your child becomes too demanding and it begins to impact on your</p><p>own physical or mental health, consider respite foster care. This might</p><p>mean your child spending one weekend a month with a foster family in order</p><p>to provide a break for you to nurture not only yourself, but also</p><p>other children in the home, and your marriage. Many parents indicate that</p><p>they would feel like complete failures if this became necessary. In</p><p>reality, this is a healthy effective way to equip yourself to handle your</p><p>childs special needs over the long haul.</p><p></p><p>Make consequences relevant to the offense: Avoid using generic consequences such as time out</p><p>or grounding. Instead, customize the consequence to the offense. For instance, if your child throws a shoe and break your favorite crystal piece. Then, assign your child an hourly wage, and have him work over the</p><p>next several (days, weeks, months) to earn the money to replace that item.</p><p>Each day when it is time to do the extra chores, give a reminder that helps the child connect the behavior to the consequence. For instance, Joey, it is time to rake the lawn to earn some more money towards paying for the crystal that broke when you choose to throw the shoe. If you child steals something, then the consequence might be a visit to the police station, witnessing some criminals in cells</p><p>and a discussion with a police officer about what happens to children who steal. If your child, lies then</p><p>the consequence might be to do a research report on the value of honesty.</p><p></p><p>Discover what your child is truly interested in:</p><p>Some children devote so much time to being disruptive that they never</p><p>develop any appropriate interest. This is another way that camps can be of</p><p>help. For instance, you might try a few sports camps, or a music camp, or</p><p>an art camp and in the process your child may discover something that</p><p>truly interests them; which can be used as a reward and a motivator during</p><p>the remainder of the year. If you havent the funds for camps, try</p><p>your local YMCA as most will offer scholarships based on financial needs.</p><p>The YMCA and Big Brothers or Sisters and Scouting all offer positive</p><p>activities for your child to be involved in during the school year along</p><p>with opportunities to interact socially with nondisabled peers who may</p><p>provide good behavioral role models. These organizations all teach values</p><p>that include respecting parents and giving back to the community, and</p><p>thereby reinforce the values you are trying to teach your child.</p><p></p><p>·</p><p>Residential Schools: </p><p>If your childs behavioral problems grow to the point that you and your childs school have difficulty dealing</p><p>with them, consider a therapeutic residential school. This can be a</p><p>win-win-win situation. It alleviates the need for your ill-equipped local</p><p>school to address your childs behavioral needs, it provides, you, your</p><p>spouse and your other children extended periods of normalcy, and it</p><p>provides your child the structure and therapy that are needed in a</p><p>situation where they can no longer alienate those closest to them.</p><p>Additionally, when your child does come home for weekends, holidays and</p><p>vacation it is always an opportunity to start off on a positive note with a</p><p>clean slate. Moreover, relationships can be fostered while your child is</p><p>at school through letters, emails, on-line photo albums and phone calls</p><p>without having to deal with day to day conflict.</p><p></p><p> Someone to talk to: Whether it is a friend, relative, friend,</p><p>pastor, or a counselor, you need to be able to talk to someone on a regular</p><p>basis; and most especially when things are going badly. Issues you may</p><p>need some help with are:</p><p></p><p>· Carving</p><p>out time for your marriage</p><p></p><p>· Nurturing siblings of your difficult</p><p>child</p><p></p><p>· Communicating your childs home and community needs to</p><p>the</p><p>IEP team</p><p></p><p></p><p>· Behavior management</p><p>techniques</p><p></p><p>· Effective advocacy within the educational</p><p>system</p><p></p><p>How to begin</p><p>dealing with your childs behavior</p><p></p><p>· Start at ground zero. Tell</p><p>your child that his/her behavior</p><p>has not been acceptable and that the whole</p><p>family is going to start over.</p><p>Develop a list of expected behaviors and</p><p>consequences for noncompliance.</p><p>Post these in a predominant spot. Then,</p><p>develop a list of your childs</p><p>responsibilities and privileges that can</p><p>be earned by completing those</p><p>responsibilities without a hassle or</p><p>reminders. Start with only essentials</p><p>being provided: bedroom, basic</p><p>food, clothing etcetera. Make it so that</p><p>your children need to earn TV</p><p>time, computer time, having friends over,</p><p>visiting others, trips to the</p><p>library or bowling alley, and extra half hour</p><p>later bedtime, and so forth.</p><p>The children in your family without</p><p>oppositional and defiant behavior will</p><p>follow the same rules and as they</p><p>are already compliant should have no</p><p>problems earning their privileges and</p><p>setting a good role model.</p><p></p><p>- Build</p><p>on the positives, not the negatives. Create ways for your child</p><p>to</p><p>experience positive feedback. This might involve having them</p><p>participate</p><p>in a formal volunteer program in the community. Or, it may be</p><p>as simple as</p><p>asking them to tutor a younger sibling in an academic area</p><p>where they have</p><p>strength and then providing plenty of praise. Creating as</p><p>many</p><p>opportunities for positive reinforcement as possible, and in so</p><p>doing</p><p>create as many opportunities as possible for your child to help those</p><p>less</p><p>fortunate than themselves. This helps combat their feelings of</p><p>entitlement</p><p>and begin to understand the perspective and needs of others. It</p><p>also</p><p>provides opportunities for you to compliment their hard work in</p><p>their</p><p>undertaking.As a general rule, each day children should</p><p>hear more</p><p>positive than negative comments about themselves.</p><p></p><p>- Use</p><p>teachable moments to your advantage. Kids with ODD would like to do</p><p>well,</p><p>but they have been prewired such that they lack the necessary</p><p>flexibility</p><p>to adapt easily to environmental demands. You can help your</p><p>child by</p><p>teaching adaptive skills. The easiest way to do this is to model</p><p>adaptive</p><p>behavior and to verbally mediate your actions. For instance, when</p><p>someone</p><p>cuts you off in the Wal-mart parking lot and steals the spot you</p><p>have been</p><p>waiting for. You can calmly drive on while saying: That</p><p>persons rude</p><p>behavior was very upsetting, so Im going to breathe</p><p>deeply to recompose</p><p>myself. Or, Im really frustrated that I didnt</p><p>receive a promotion</p><p>at work after all the extra hours I have been putting</p><p>in. I know Joe got</p><p>the promotion just because he is friends with my boss.</p><p>So, Im going to</p><p>direct the energy from my anger into looking for a new</p><p>job with more</p><p>advancement opportunities. Maybe you can help me print</p><p>copies of my resume</p><p>and search the internet for possible openings.</p><p>Involving your child in</p><p>these types of constructive actions can help your</p><p>child learn to</p><p>effectively direct their own anger energy into similar</p><p>constructive</p><p>activities. Or, you might say, Im tired and frustrated</p><p>and feel</p><p>grumpy, so Im going for a walk to refresh myself. Would you</p><p>like to</p><p>join me? Physical activity releases endorphins that improve our</p><p>moods,</p><p>so modeling physical exercise as an outlet for anger or frustration</p><p>is very</p><p>positive. You can also direct teach. For instance, if you see a</p><p>peer</p><p>tease your child, before the situation escalates you can step in and</p><p>say:</p><p>Bob, I heard you teasing Joey. Im certain that hurt his</p><p>feelings.</p><p>Now Joey may choose to ask you to go home, or he can choose to</p><p>ask you for</p><p>an apology. Joey what do you want to do? Bear in mind</p><p>though, that</p><p>oppositional children tend to respond more positively to</p><p>verbally mediated</p><p>role modeling than they do to direct teaching.</p><p></p><p>- Pick your battles. Most</p><p>children with ODD are doing quite a few things</p><p>that you dislike, but if</p><p>everything is a battle you will get nowhere. If</p><p>something is simply</p><p>annoying you might choose to ignore the behavior. For</p><p>instance, if your</p><p>child interrupts while you are on the phone you might</p><p>tell the other party.</p><p>I need to get off the phone now and Ill call you</p><p>back later. Then, when</p><p>your child requests attention appropriately. Thank</p><p>him or her for waiting</p><p>until you were free to speak. Some things you may</p><p>be willing to</p><p>occasionally negotiate on. For example, if homework is always</p><p>to be done</p><p>before friends visit; but a very good friend is visiting from</p><p>out of</p><p>town and has only this time to visit you might say to your child:</p><p>Since</p><p>Paul is a special friend and is only here for today, we will make</p><p>an</p><p>exception and let you play now and do your homework later. But, if</p><p>your</p><p>homework is not completed without hassle by 7pm, then the next time</p><p>Paul</p><p>visits, we will not make this special exception. Some things</p><p>should</p><p>never be negotiated: being disrespectful, lying, stealing or being</p><p>violent</p><p>must always meet with consistent consequences.</p><p></p><p>- Take a break from</p><p>the conflict. If you lose your cool, the child will</p><p>see it and know that</p><p>s/he has the upper hand. Learn to take time to say.</p><p>Right now, I am</p><p>very angry with you. Go to your room, while I think</p><p>about how we will deal</p><p>with this. Then, call a resource person or do</p><p>something that helps you</p><p>calm down. Later, when both spouses are present,</p><p>address the issue</p><p>jointly. </p><p></p><p>- Dont keep your childs misbehaviors a secret: When</p><p>your child has</p><p>chosen to be defiant and have a consequence doesnt hide</p><p>it. If they</p><p>cant go to the movies with Uncle Mike because they stole</p><p>something, tell</p><p>Uncle Mike the full reason. This may bring the reproach of</p><p>others to back</p><p>up your position that such behaviors are not acceptable. If</p><p>your childs</p><p>best friend may not come over because your child did not</p><p>complete his</p><p>homework, let the friend know: Joey cant play today</p><p>because he</p><p>hasnt completed his homework. You may help him with his</p><p>homework or you</p><p>may come over another day.</p><p></p><p>- Quality time: When you</p><p>have a child who is oppositional and defiant you</p><p>may feel as it all or most</p><p>of your interaction with that child are</p><p>stressful and conflict ridden. To</p><p>counter this, when you child arrives</p><p>home, make certain you have a full</p><p>half hour free of other commitments.</p><p>Devote this time to engaging in an</p><p>activity of preference with your child.</p><p>For example, your child might enjoy</p><p>Webkinz; if so play this with him. Or,</p><p>your child might like a particular</p><p>Game Boy or Nintendo Game. If so, learn</p><p>to play it and have a contest.</p><p>Or, perhaps you have a child, who likes</p><p>certain board games, then sit down</p><p>and share some pleasant time together.</p><p>It might also be time painting or</p><p>drawing, or working on a wood working</p><p>project. The activities dont</p><p>matter, as long as your child enjoys it</p><p>and you get at least a half hour a</p><p>day of uninterrupted time with your</p><p>child engaged in a positive activity</p><p>together.</p><p></p><p>Additional Advice...</p><p></p><p>· Dont take it personally.</p><p>You child may call you</p><p>mean, but they are really frustrated by their</p><p>own lack of</p><p>adaptability and are lashing out at the nearest target. When</p><p>this happens,</p><p>just tell your child that even though they are angry with</p><p>you, you love</p><p>them and will continue to do what is best for them.</p><p></p><p>·</p><p>These children are experts at pushing your buttons, so don't</p><p>let them.</p><p>Keep your composure, no matter how difficult. Do not fight with</p><p>your child.</p><p>If need be, walk away, take a bubble bath, use the Alpha stimulant,</p><p>do deep</p><p>breathing exercises. Then, when you are calm, and your child is</p><p>calm</p><p>address the issue that gave rise to the conflict.</p><p></p><p>· Give genuine</p><p>choices. Give them appropriate control when you</p><p>can. For example, Joey,</p><p>you need to clean your room today. You may do</p><p>it now and then have the</p><p>afternoon to play. Or, you can play for just two</p><p>hours and then stop to do</p><p>your room. Which do you prefer? Or, "</p><p>Joey, your teacher says your</p><p>are behind in AR reading. Do you want me to</p><p>read with you a half hour each</p><p>night at bedtime, or do you want to read a</p><p>half hour by yourself every day</p><p>before going out to play?</p><p></p><p>· Connect with what you like about</p><p>the child. Dont forget</p><p>that he or she is a child with many wonderful</p><p>features. Work on that part</p><p>of your relationship and help them remember</p><p>who they are</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="KateM, post: 167964, member: 1973"] I received this through a listserve for parents of Asperger kids. It contains alot of useful, practical tips. Coping with Oppositional Defiance In many cases, oppositional disorders coexist with attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder. In this case, the impulsivity and hyperactivity of ADHD can greatly amplify the defiance and uncontrolled anger of ODD. Symptoms of ODD can also appear as part of major depressive disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, or mania. Some children with separation anxiety disorder may also evidence oppositional behaviors. So, what do we do? Unfortunately, there are no simple solutions. But, here are some of the key approaches. Individual Psychotherapy Finding a psychologist or play therapist with whom your child can develop a good relationship can be very valuable. Often children with ODD feel as if they dont live up to their parents expectations and this frustration exacerbates their disorder. When a therapist provides unconditional acceptance, the therapist is in a position to help your child learn some effective anger management techniques that decrease defiance and naturally lead to more positive parental feedback. The therapist may also employ cognitive behavioral techniques to help your child learn effective problem solving skills that will improve social interactions inside and outside the home. The support gained through therapy can counterbalance the frequent messages of failure to which the child with ODD is often exposed. Social Skills Training Coupled with other therapies, social skills training has been effective in improving social behaviors that result from a childs angry, defiant approach to rules. Incorporating reinforcement strategies and rewards for appropriate behavior helps children learn to generalize positive behavior. Social skills training, can help children learn to evaluate social situations and adjust their behavior accordingly. Metaanalyses of research on social skills has shown that the only successful social skills training interventions are those that provide training in the child's natural environments (home and classroom) so that generalization is built in.To accomplish this you will need your childs Individualized Education Plan (IEP) from school to includeCommunity Based Instruction using social skills training. Medication is only recommended when the symptoms of ODD occur with other conditions, such as ADHD, obsessive compulsive disorder (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)), or anxiety disorder. When stimulants are used to treat attention deficit/hyperactivity disorders, they also appear to lessen oppositional symptoms in the child. There is no medication specifically for treating symptoms of ODD where there is no other emotional disorder. In lieu of medication, you might wish to investigate EEG neurofeedback, a nonpharmacological intervention which is effective at teaching children to self-calm, thereby increasing their adaptability and decreasing oppositionalism that results from poor adaptability. In addition, if your child is often moody and angry, you may ask your pediatrician to explore the possibility of prescribing transcranial electrotherapy for your home. This involves the use of a portable unit called Alpha stimulant, which generates low voltage alpha waves (the kind of waves the brain generates when it is calm and focused). Your child can wear this noninvasive devise for 20-30 minutes per day, to induce a relaxed, peaceful state without need for medication. Practical Suggestions for Parents Enlist others to help you: You need help on a consistent basis. This means you need to speak with your parents, your siblings, your husbands parents and siblings, your neighbors and let them know that your child has a disorder which is difficult to control and very demanding on you as a parent. Therefore, you need help on a regular basis from now until your child is grown. Ask each to commit to help in some concrete fashion. This might mean that someone watches your child every week so you can go grocery shopping without a hassle, it may mean that grandma has the kids for dinner every Saturday so you and your spouse can have a meal and a conversation without interruption. It might mean that Uncle Mike takes you son for a bike ride on Sundays after church so you and your husband can pay your bills. You decide what you need, and ask each person in your support network to make a specific commitment to help you. In short, do everything you can to share the burden of parenting. This includes asking all interested parties to learn about your childs disorder(s) and IDEA and to participate in IEP meetings with the school district. Set up an appropriate school program: If your child is not already classified, make a written referral for your child to be evaluated for special education. Request a Functional Behavioral Analysis as part of the evaluation process. Once eligibility is determined, you want to advocate for an IEP that include a Behavioral Intervention Plan with positive behavioral supports to reduce the occurrence of oppositional and defiant behaviors. You also want this plan to stipulate that in or out of school suspensions may not be employed as a disciplinary measure with your child, and that your child may not lose recess. It is also important to have weekly counseling sessions with the school psychologist as part of your childs IEP with goals to develop relaxation and anger management skills, along with problem solving and coping mechanisms. Additionally,insist on having monthly parent training sessions in behavior management in your childs IEP so that you can carry over any effective interventions the school is employing to the home environment. Be certain that the IEP also indicates your child will be staying after school for aftercare and that a staff member is to utilize this time to assist your child in completion of all homework assignments and projects. This component is important because it will eliminate a major source of conflict at home. Finally, dont forget to make certain that the IEP includes community based instruction at home and other locals your child frequently visits using social skills training. Access community services: Consider putting your child in daycare before and after school. Insist that homework is completed in the afterschool program so that this source of conflict is eliminated from the home environment. For weekends and holidays and summer vacations, consider having your child participate in programs offered by Big Brother and Big Sisters or Boy Scouts/Girl Scouts. Summer camps provide an excellent opportunity for your child to start over with adults and children who dont know their history of defiance and who will expect and therefore automatically reinforce compliance. They also provide you much needed time to self-nurture so that you will replenish your own reserves and be better equipped to deal with your child when s/he arrives home from camp. Dont forget to ask for help from your local religious organization. Someone from your church or temple may be equipped to provide some spiritual counseling for your child. This can be important as prayers have been documented as an effective method of stress management and anger control. Additionally, there may be someone who is able to assist concretely by providing some much needed tutoring, or picking up your families groceries while they pick up theirs or even picking up. The last step is respite foster care on a regular basis: If your child becomes too demanding and it begins to impact on your own physical or mental health, consider respite foster care. This might mean your child spending one weekend a month with a foster family in order to provide a break for you to nurture not only yourself, but also other children in the home, and your marriage. Many parents indicate that they would feel like complete failures if this became necessary. In reality, this is a healthy effective way to equip yourself to handle your childs special needs over the long haul. Make consequences relevant to the offense: Avoid using generic consequences such as time out or grounding. Instead, customize the consequence to the offense. For instance, if your child throws a shoe and break your favorite crystal piece. Then, assign your child an hourly wage, and have him work over the next several (days, weeks, months) to earn the money to replace that item. Each day when it is time to do the extra chores, give a reminder that helps the child connect the behavior to the consequence. For instance, Joey, it is time to rake the lawn to earn some more money towards paying for the crystal that broke when you choose to throw the shoe. If you child steals something, then the consequence might be a visit to the police station, witnessing some criminals in cells and a discussion with a police officer about what happens to children who steal. If your child, lies then the consequence might be to do a research report on the value of honesty. Discover what your child is truly interested in: Some children devote so much time to being disruptive that they never develop any appropriate interest. This is another way that camps can be of help. For instance, you might try a few sports camps, or a music camp, or an art camp and in the process your child may discover something that truly interests them; which can be used as a reward and a motivator during the remainder of the year. If you havent the funds for camps, try your local YMCA as most will offer scholarships based on financial needs. The YMCA and Big Brothers or Sisters and Scouting all offer positive activities for your child to be involved in during the school year along with opportunities to interact socially with nondisabled peers who may provide good behavioral role models. These organizations all teach values that include respecting parents and giving back to the community, and thereby reinforce the values you are trying to teach your child. · Residential Schools: If your childs behavioral problems grow to the point that you and your childs school have difficulty dealing with them, consider a therapeutic residential school. This can be a win-win-win situation. It alleviates the need for your ill-equipped local school to address your childs behavioral needs, it provides, you, your spouse and your other children extended periods of normalcy, and it provides your child the structure and therapy that are needed in a situation where they can no longer alienate those closest to them. Additionally, when your child does come home for weekends, holidays and vacation it is always an opportunity to start off on a positive note with a clean slate. Moreover, relationships can be fostered while your child is at school through letters, emails, on-line photo albums and phone calls without having to deal with day to day conflict. Someone to talk to: Whether it is a friend, relative, friend, pastor, or a counselor, you need to be able to talk to someone on a regular basis; and most especially when things are going badly. Issues you may need some help with are: · Carving out time for your marriage · Nurturing siblings of your difficult child · Communicating your childs home and community needs to the IEP team · Behavior management techniques · Effective advocacy within the educational system How to begin dealing with your childs behavior · Start at ground zero. Tell your child that his/her behavior has not been acceptable and that the whole family is going to start over. Develop a list of expected behaviors and consequences for noncompliance. Post these in a predominant spot. Then, develop a list of your childs responsibilities and privileges that can be earned by completing those responsibilities without a hassle or reminders. Start with only essentials being provided: bedroom, basic food, clothing etcetera. Make it so that your children need to earn TV time, computer time, having friends over, visiting others, trips to the library or bowling alley, and extra half hour later bedtime, and so forth. The children in your family without oppositional and defiant behavior will follow the same rules and as they are already compliant should have no problems earning their privileges and setting a good role model. - Build on the positives, not the negatives. Create ways for your child to experience positive feedback. This might involve having them participate in a formal volunteer program in the community. Or, it may be as simple as asking them to tutor a younger sibling in an academic area where they have strength and then providing plenty of praise. Creating as many opportunities for positive reinforcement as possible, and in so doing create as many opportunities as possible for your child to help those less fortunate than themselves. This helps combat their feelings of entitlement and begin to understand the perspective and needs of others. It also provides opportunities for you to compliment their hard work in their undertaking.As a general rule, each day children should hear more positive than negative comments about themselves. - Use teachable moments to your advantage. Kids with ODD would like to do well, but they have been prewired such that they lack the necessary flexibility to adapt easily to environmental demands. You can help your child by teaching adaptive skills. The easiest way to do this is to model adaptive behavior and to verbally mediate your actions. For instance, when someone cuts you off in the Wal-mart parking lot and steals the spot you have been waiting for. You can calmly drive on while saying: That persons rude behavior was very upsetting, so Im going to breathe deeply to recompose myself. Or, Im really frustrated that I didnt receive a promotion at work after all the extra hours I have been putting in. I know Joe got the promotion just because he is friends with my boss. So, Im going to direct the energy from my anger into looking for a new job with more advancement opportunities. Maybe you can help me print copies of my resume and search the internet for possible openings. Involving your child in these types of constructive actions can help your child learn to effectively direct their own anger energy into similar constructive activities. Or, you might say, Im tired and frustrated and feel grumpy, so Im going for a walk to refresh myself. Would you like to join me? Physical activity releases endorphins that improve our moods, so modeling physical exercise as an outlet for anger or frustration is very positive. You can also direct teach. For instance, if you see a peer tease your child, before the situation escalates you can step in and say: Bob, I heard you teasing Joey. Im certain that hurt his feelings. Now Joey may choose to ask you to go home, or he can choose to ask you for an apology. Joey what do you want to do? Bear in mind though, that oppositional children tend to respond more positively to verbally mediated role modeling than they do to direct teaching. - Pick your battles. Most children with ODD are doing quite a few things that you dislike, but if everything is a battle you will get nowhere. If something is simply annoying you might choose to ignore the behavior. For instance, if your child interrupts while you are on the phone you might tell the other party. I need to get off the phone now and Ill call you back later. Then, when your child requests attention appropriately. Thank him or her for waiting until you were free to speak. Some things you may be willing to occasionally negotiate on. For example, if homework is always to be done before friends visit; but a very good friend is visiting from out of town and has only this time to visit you might say to your child: Since Paul is a special friend and is only here for today, we will make an exception and let you play now and do your homework later. But, if your homework is not completed without hassle by 7pm, then the next time Paul visits, we will not make this special exception. Some things should never be negotiated: being disrespectful, lying, stealing or being violent must always meet with consistent consequences. - Take a break from the conflict. If you lose your cool, the child will see it and know that s/he has the upper hand. Learn to take time to say. Right now, I am very angry with you. Go to your room, while I think about how we will deal with this. Then, call a resource person or do something that helps you calm down. Later, when both spouses are present, address the issue jointly. - Dont keep your childs misbehaviors a secret: When your child has chosen to be defiant and have a consequence doesnt hide it. If they cant go to the movies with Uncle Mike because they stole something, tell Uncle Mike the full reason. This may bring the reproach of others to back up your position that such behaviors are not acceptable. If your childs best friend may not come over because your child did not complete his homework, let the friend know: Joey cant play today because he hasnt completed his homework. You may help him with his homework or you may come over another day. - Quality time: When you have a child who is oppositional and defiant you may feel as it all or most of your interaction with that child are stressful and conflict ridden. To counter this, when you child arrives home, make certain you have a full half hour free of other commitments. Devote this time to engaging in an activity of preference with your child. For example, your child might enjoy Webkinz; if so play this with him. Or, your child might like a particular Game Boy or Nintendo Game. If so, learn to play it and have a contest. Or, perhaps you have a child, who likes certain board games, then sit down and share some pleasant time together. It might also be time painting or drawing, or working on a wood working project. The activities dont matter, as long as your child enjoys it and you get at least a half hour a day of uninterrupted time with your child engaged in a positive activity together. Additional Advice... · Dont take it personally. You child may call you mean, but they are really frustrated by their own lack of adaptability and are lashing out at the nearest target. When this happens, just tell your child that even though they are angry with you, you love them and will continue to do what is best for them. · These children are experts at pushing your buttons, so don't let them. Keep your composure, no matter how difficult. Do not fight with your child. If need be, walk away, take a bubble bath, use the Alpha stimulant, do deep breathing exercises. Then, when you are calm, and your child is calm address the issue that gave rise to the conflict. · Give genuine choices. Give them appropriate control when you can. For example, Joey, you need to clean your room today. You may do it now and then have the afternoon to play. Or, you can play for just two hours and then stop to do your room. Which do you prefer? Or, " Joey, your teacher says your are behind in AR reading. Do you want me to read with you a half hour each night at bedtime, or do you want to read a half hour by yourself every day before going out to play? · Connect with what you like about the child. Dont forget that he or she is a child with many wonderful features. Work on that part of your relationship and help them remember who they are [/QUOTE]
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