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Could use some bead rattling for my sister in law (and my S/O and his entire family)
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 378280" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Sometimes family don't want others to know because it's sensitive, or embarrassing. Or they don't want people to worry.</p><p></p><p>For example - we delayed telling mother in law about easy child 2/difficult child 2's positive cervical HPV results, until we could also reassure her. Also, husband's cousin's husband has testicular cancer but we weren't supposed to know about it; cousin's father (mother in law's brother in law) has been pumping us for information when we knew nothing and couldn't come right out and ask. Cousin finally told us and is now keeping mother in law in the loop, but insists her father is not to be given details. mother in law is telling us but saying, "She doesn't want people to know," so we're not telling our kids. Silly in some ways, but knowing cousin's father, I can understand her trying to keep him out of the loop. So we have to reassure him when he rings.</p><p></p><p>I hate knowing, and having to lie about things. </p><p></p><p>However, when the problem is "We don't want family to know because this person will be shamed because her problem is her own stupid fault," then the situation is different. Frankly, SO's mother rang you to tell you, then stopped telling you. This is manipulative behaviour. It's "I've got a secret..." playground behaviour. Your job is to pull the information out of her, so she can tell others, "He made me tell...!" Again, abdicating responsibility.</p><p></p><p>the solution to this is always openness, honesty and pragmatism. These are the facts as we know them. Please confirm or refute, so we don't have it wrong. No games, no ducking out of responsibility. We won't play games or dump blame either, we just want to know because we are family and we care. if you don't want us to know, don't feed us any information at all. Stop dangling little apples on strings then pulling them away when we come over to take a bite. That is a silly game to play, and where it concerns a family member's health, games are not appropriate. We wish her well, please pass this on. We hope she can use this opportunity to get the help she needs and be able to move beyond this and back to a full, productive life. This is what we would wish for anybody in this situation."</p><p></p><p>Game-playing only serves to keep sister in law broken and damaged, it serves to keep her dysfunctional and not havi g to be accountable. Secrecy removes the shame and frankly, some shame is needed in order to shock her into getting help. If sister in law is being shielded form shame, then she is not likely to be getting proper help; the focus is too much on "We have to keep this secret, what will people think?" instead of "We've got to help her get clean."</p><p></p><p>The trouble is, the longer someone has been dysfunctional, the more difficult it is to ever conceive of them changing. As a result, people conspire to keep the person dysfunctional because, frankly, it is all they expect. So damage control becomes the focus.</p><p></p><p>While the family is focussing on damage control, you need to know she is unlikely to get better.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 378280, member: 1991"] Sometimes family don't want others to know because it's sensitive, or embarrassing. Or they don't want people to worry. For example - we delayed telling mother in law about easy child 2/difficult child 2's positive cervical HPV results, until we could also reassure her. Also, husband's cousin's husband has testicular cancer but we weren't supposed to know about it; cousin's father (mother in law's brother in law) has been pumping us for information when we knew nothing and couldn't come right out and ask. Cousin finally told us and is now keeping mother in law in the loop, but insists her father is not to be given details. mother in law is telling us but saying, "She doesn't want people to know," so we're not telling our kids. Silly in some ways, but knowing cousin's father, I can understand her trying to keep him out of the loop. So we have to reassure him when he rings. I hate knowing, and having to lie about things. However, when the problem is "We don't want family to know because this person will be shamed because her problem is her own stupid fault," then the situation is different. Frankly, SO's mother rang you to tell you, then stopped telling you. This is manipulative behaviour. It's "I've got a secret..." playground behaviour. Your job is to pull the information out of her, so she can tell others, "He made me tell...!" Again, abdicating responsibility. the solution to this is always openness, honesty and pragmatism. These are the facts as we know them. Please confirm or refute, so we don't have it wrong. No games, no ducking out of responsibility. We won't play games or dump blame either, we just want to know because we are family and we care. if you don't want us to know, don't feed us any information at all. Stop dangling little apples on strings then pulling them away when we come over to take a bite. That is a silly game to play, and where it concerns a family member's health, games are not appropriate. We wish her well, please pass this on. We hope she can use this opportunity to get the help she needs and be able to move beyond this and back to a full, productive life. This is what we would wish for anybody in this situation." Game-playing only serves to keep sister in law broken and damaged, it serves to keep her dysfunctional and not havi g to be accountable. Secrecy removes the shame and frankly, some shame is needed in order to shock her into getting help. If sister in law is being shielded form shame, then she is not likely to be getting proper help; the focus is too much on "We have to keep this secret, what will people think?" instead of "We've got to help her get clean." The trouble is, the longer someone has been dysfunctional, the more difficult it is to ever conceive of them changing. As a result, people conspire to keep the person dysfunctional because, frankly, it is all they expect. So damage control becomes the focus. While the family is focussing on damage control, you need to know she is unlikely to get better. Marg [/QUOTE]
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Could use some bead rattling for my sister in law (and my S/O and his entire family)
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