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<blockquote data-quote="Lil" data-source="post: 639443" data-attributes="member: 17309"><p>So yesterday he, once again, called for a ride. And cold medicine. And cigarettes. And a pair of shoes he left behind.</p><p> </p><p>After a talk, Jabber picked him up and took him to the shelter. We had a meeting and choir from 6 to 8, but after took him what he asked for. We had him sit down in the car and had a chat. #1. We told him we were <em>not</em> his car service and to <em>not</em> call for rides again. (He of course started on how cold it was and he hadn't realized that when he walked to J-2's house, etc. We didn't care.) #2. We told him <em>not</em> to ask us for cigarettes again. He's a grown man and can support his own bad habits. If we <em>choose</em> to give him a gift we will, on our terms, not because he asked. #3. We told him we were sick to death of him giving his phone to J-1. He'd had his phone again yesterday and our son had to use the landline of J-2's house to call for a ride. We told him we do NOT pay for a phone for J-1 to have and if he kept giving it to him, we'd disconnect it. We pointed out that, if he IS looking for work, and someone calls to offer him a job, and HE doesn't have the phone - he's going to miss out! He, of course, went on and on about how hard it is to deal with J-1. I said, "<em>How about saying NO! What's he going to do if you say no, besides be a jerk?</em>" I was advised it's just easier to say yes and keep him happy and not deal with him. That I don't understand how hard it is to ask for things when J-1 has asked for things from us. The shoes, as it turned out, are being given to J-1! I swear, I wish that boy would disappear! In a way, I can't blame my son for not having a backbone here. After all, I've spent a lot of time saying yes to HIM to keep him happy and not have to deal with him in a mood! And see how well that worked out. <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite3" alt=":(" title="Frown :(" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":(" /></p><p> </p><p>Anyway, we pointed out he seems to think he'll be coming home and he won't. That he needs this time to get himself straightened out and get a JOB! To use the bus pass for job hunting and counselor appts. He said he does want to come home...because he's probably getting foot fungus in the gross showers and eating nasty food. Isn't it nice to be loved? <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite11" alt=":rolleyes:" title="Roll Eyes :rolleyes:" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":rolleyes:" /></p><p> </p><p>We ended it with him asking if we would want to "hang out" sometime. I asked what he had in mind and he said maybe a TV show marathon or something. In his defense, we don't have much in common except our taste in TV shows. We told him we'd think about it. Jabber thinks he just wants to get a foot in the door. I prefer to think he does actually miss us a tiny bit - but I know Jabber's probably right. Still, maybe we'll start taking him to dinner once a week or so? Just to try to spend some time together without it being about what he did and how we responded by kicking him out? Our extended family's Thanksgiving is in 16 days and I don't want an hour and a half car ride over the river and thru the woods to grandmother's house with someone I can barely look at. I don't want to be on the verge of tears in front of Jabber's family. I'm so dreading the holidays.</p><p> </p><p>All in all, he seems to be taking this as some kind of Extreme Time-out, instead of it really understanding the seriousness. Sigh.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Lil, post: 639443, member: 17309"] So yesterday he, once again, called for a ride. And cold medicine. And cigarettes. And a pair of shoes he left behind. After a talk, Jabber picked him up and took him to the shelter. We had a meeting and choir from 6 to 8, but after took him what he asked for. We had him sit down in the car and had a chat. #1. We told him we were [I]not[/I] his car service and to [I]not[/I] call for rides again. (He of course started on how cold it was and he hadn't realized that when he walked to J-2's house, etc. We didn't care.) #2. We told him [I]not[/I] to ask us for cigarettes again. He's a grown man and can support his own bad habits. If we [I]choose[/I] to give him a gift we will, on our terms, not because he asked. #3. We told him we were sick to death of him giving his phone to J-1. He'd had his phone again yesterday and our son had to use the landline of J-2's house to call for a ride. We told him we do NOT pay for a phone for J-1 to have and if he kept giving it to him, we'd disconnect it. We pointed out that, if he IS looking for work, and someone calls to offer him a job, and HE doesn't have the phone - he's going to miss out! He, of course, went on and on about how hard it is to deal with J-1. I said, "[I]How about saying NO! What's he going to do if you say no, besides be a jerk?[/I]" I was advised it's just easier to say yes and keep him happy and not deal with him. That I don't understand how hard it is to ask for things when J-1 has asked for things from us. The shoes, as it turned out, are being given to J-1! I swear, I wish that boy would disappear! In a way, I can't blame my son for not having a backbone here. After all, I've spent a lot of time saying yes to HIM to keep him happy and not have to deal with him in a mood! And see how well that worked out. :( Anyway, we pointed out he seems to think he'll be coming home and he won't. That he needs this time to get himself straightened out and get a JOB! To use the bus pass for job hunting and counselor appts. He said he does want to come home...because he's probably getting foot fungus in the gross showers and eating nasty food. Isn't it nice to be loved? :rolleyes: We ended it with him asking if we would want to "hang out" sometime. I asked what he had in mind and he said maybe a TV show marathon or something. In his defense, we don't have much in common except our taste in TV shows. We told him we'd think about it. Jabber thinks he just wants to get a foot in the door. I prefer to think he does actually miss us a tiny bit - but I know Jabber's probably right. Still, maybe we'll start taking him to dinner once a week or so? Just to try to spend some time together without it being about what he did and how we responded by kicking him out? Our extended family's Thanksgiving is in 16 days and I don't want an hour and a half car ride over the river and thru the woods to grandmother's house with someone I can barely look at. I don't want to be on the verge of tears in front of Jabber's family. I'm so dreading the holidays. All in all, he seems to be taking this as some kind of Extreme Time-out, instead of it really understanding the seriousness. Sigh. [/QUOTE]
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