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<blockquote data-quote="donna723" data-source="post: 237422" data-attributes="member: 1883"><p>Please don't be embarassed about the 'screaming match' in front of the therapist. I think too that it's really a good thing. She got to see first hand how the relationship really is and what you're up against. Better this way than if he had come in all smiley-faced and mannerly and just pretended to be nice and civil to impress her!</p><p> </p><p>I know EXACTLY how it is to live with someone like that ... how incredibly frustrating it is to have to listen to all those lies that come out of their mouth ... and unbelievably, they seem to really be convinced that their twisted and distorted view of reality is the truth! It makes you crazy listening to it, makes you want to tear your hair out! My ex used to do his own version of the 'feed the dog' thing, and he's only still alive today because I never had a baseball bat within easy reach when he said it! <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/emoticons/faint.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":faint:" title="faint :faint:" data-shortname=":faint:" /> ONE TIME in twenty years he fixed something for the kids for dinner when I was sick! I was in bed with the flu, thought I was gonna die! He kept coming to the door asking when I was going to get up and cook dinner. Finally, he opened up two cans of soup, dumped them in a pan, and heated them up for the kids to eat! And from that day forward, every time the subject came up, he'd get that smug look on his face and proudly proclaim, "<em>I cook sometimes too!</em>" TWO CANS OF SOUP in twenty years! It would make me so mad, I would be literally shaking with rage! But how can you fight 'logic' like that! You can't! That's really the way he saw it! To him, <em>his</em> microscopic contribution overshadowed the fresh homemade from-scratch meals I had made every single day for twenty years!</p><p> </p><p>Now that I'm out of it, I see it all so much more clearly. People like that have no real feelings for others at all, except for what they can do for THEM! Their world revolves entirely around THEMSELVES. They have no empathy for anyone, no earthly idea how their actions or their words make other people feel, and they don't care! They are completely incapable of putting themselves in someone elses place, seeing it from another viewpoint, because the only one who matters to them is THEM! For years I've tried to put a label on it and failed, but it all boils down to selfishness and being totally self-centered. People like this just seem to be <em>born</em> that way and it's almost impossible to live with unless you look forward to a life of misery, being 'used' and ignored!</p><p> </p><p>And your son is being affected by it. His fathers attitude is what's undermining your efforts about the school work. You tell him to do it but his fathers <em>inaction</em> and refusal to get in to it are telling him just the opposite. It's a very bad place for a kid to be in. It might help you a lot if you got counseling on your own too, in addition to the sessions with your husband. Living with someone like that for that long ruins your self-esteem and destroys your self confidence. I have a feeling that when the counselor starts challenging your husband on some of his views, he will refuse to go back! Good luck, hon. (((hugs)))</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="donna723, post: 237422, member: 1883"] Please don't be embarassed about the 'screaming match' in front of the therapist. I think too that it's really a good thing. She got to see first hand how the relationship really is and what you're up against. Better this way than if he had come in all smiley-faced and mannerly and just pretended to be nice and civil to impress her! I know EXACTLY how it is to live with someone like that ... how incredibly frustrating it is to have to listen to all those lies that come out of their mouth ... and unbelievably, they seem to really be convinced that their twisted and distorted view of reality is the truth! It makes you crazy listening to it, makes you want to tear your hair out! My ex used to do his own version of the 'feed the dog' thing, and he's only still alive today because I never had a baseball bat within easy reach when he said it! :knockedout: ONE TIME in twenty years he fixed something for the kids for dinner when I was sick! I was in bed with the flu, thought I was gonna die! He kept coming to the door asking when I was going to get up and cook dinner. Finally, he opened up two cans of soup, dumped them in a pan, and heated them up for the kids to eat! And from that day forward, every time the subject came up, he'd get that smug look on his face and proudly proclaim, "[I]I cook sometimes too![/I]" TWO CANS OF SOUP in twenty years! It would make me so mad, I would be literally shaking with rage! But how can you fight 'logic' like that! You can't! That's really the way he saw it! To him, [I]his[/I] microscopic contribution overshadowed the fresh homemade from-scratch meals I had made every single day for twenty years! Now that I'm out of it, I see it all so much more clearly. People like that have no real feelings for others at all, except for what they can do for THEM! Their world revolves entirely around THEMSELVES. They have no empathy for anyone, no earthly idea how their actions or their words make other people feel, and they don't care! They are completely incapable of putting themselves in someone elses place, seeing it from another viewpoint, because the only one who matters to them is THEM! For years I've tried to put a label on it and failed, but it all boils down to selfishness and being totally self-centered. People like this just seem to be [I]born[/I] that way and it's almost impossible to live with unless you look forward to a life of misery, being 'used' and ignored! And your son is being affected by it. His fathers attitude is what's undermining your efforts about the school work. You tell him to do it but his fathers [I]inaction[/I] and refusal to get in to it are telling him just the opposite. It's a very bad place for a kid to be in. It might help you a lot if you got counseling on your own too, in addition to the sessions with your husband. Living with someone like that for that long ruins your self-esteem and destroys your self confidence. I have a feeling that when the counselor starts challenging your husband on some of his views, he will refuse to go back! Good luck, hon. (((hugs))) [/QUOTE]
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