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Crazy Eyes during Tantrum - like she wasn't there
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 251858" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>You don't have to make it nice. YOU don't have to do anything. Let HER make her own space. Maybe talk to her about it ahead of time, tell her you want to try something different and for her to feel that her room is her space to be in when she is feeling overwhelmed or ants to be somewhere on her own shere she can get her head together again. Tell her we all need this, sometimes we can make a space in our own head but often as we are learning to do this, we need a REAL space somewhere too. Some people use the bathroom, but this is awkward when you have to get out to let someone else use it. A bedroom is better.</p><p></p><p>That way SHE is invested in her own space. Even if all she does is make a blanket tent over her bed, or even under it. I've known easy child 2/difficult child 2 to climb inside her wardrobe in her bedroom, when just being in her bedroom wasn't enough. And I've had the boys climb into a large cardboard box and make that into a cubby of sorts. They cut a hole in one side of the box and filled it with cushions, so they could sit inside the box curled up on cushions and watch TV (or play computer games) through the hole.</p><p></p><p>So let her get creative with her own space. Or not. Her choice.</p><p></p><p>Maybe show your husband this thread, to help him see a little of what it might be like inside her head.</p><p></p><p>I was talking to my husband last night, about difficult child 3 always wanting stuff, and me seemnig to give in. difficult child 3 really nags, a lot. He argues about things. I follow the procedure of "feed the kid, if he's really hungry" but I also don't want to just spend money constantly, if we're out. So I often find ways to feed him, without always buying expensive fast food. Sometimes, such as after drama class which finishes at 6.30 pm, we've got into the habit of buying him a big burger from a local takeaway shop (a good Aussie shop-made burger is about twice/three times the size of a Big Mac, for the same price). But last night as we were driving home it was 6 pm when we stopped for fuel. difficult child 3 announced he wanted me to buy a sausage roll for him to eat. A sudden craving. But we would be home in less than half an hour, so we said no. He began to argue. Now, husband gets angry with him when he argues. I try not to, although I did get short with difficult child 3 and when he insisted that we often do let him buy something to eat when he's hungry, I made it clear I would not, this time, because we DID have food in the car, it just wasn't a hot sausage roll. I reminded him I had some of my home-made sausage rolls at home and if the problem was that he really wanted something hot, savoury and flaky, he could have one of mine which everybody says are the best. Better quality, better taste, better nutrition. And it's maybe about time we begin to eat down the supplies in our freezer.</p><p>He did quickly settle to this (besides, we'd left the petrol station behind by this stage).</p><p>But at home when difficult child 3 was out of earshot, husband said, "I was worried you would give in to him back there. It does seem to me that you give in to him a lot. He has to learn to stop wanting things, and to stop arguing so much."</p><p></p><p>I reminded husband that difficult child 3 arguing a lot, and wantingthings the way he does, is part of difficult child 3's presentation, it's the way he is. It's not a bad habit like an average kid would develop, this is how his brain works and why it is a disability. It's perseverative behaviour. The fact that we COULD "logic" difficult child 3 out of it is great progress. </p><p>I also pointed out that I don't give in to difficult child 3 any more than I did with the other kids, but because he argues about things a lot more, it makes it look like "difficult child 3 wins again" when I do let him have what he wants.</p><p></p><p>difficult child 3 got his sausage rolls and was very happy with them. I make good sausage rolls - the shop ones, even a lot of home recipes, use breadcrumbs in the mix but I don't. I use all meat (plus onion and herbs, all so finely chopped that kids don't get any 'hot' bits). So mine don't taste dry or sawdusty, I also use the best puff pastry I've found for te job, which also happens to be the cheapest. So for the price of something commercial and not so nutritious or tasty, I can make ten times the number of sausage rolls for home. PLus they're fun to make, plus the family loves them. My biggest problem is having any leftover to freeze! I've been known to make a thousand at a time. A big job, takes almost all day.</p><p></p><p>But I digress - what I'm trying to say, is sometimes it's more difficult for our husbands to really grasp just how differently a difficult child thinks. As parents we're conditioned to think about our kids in terms of them vs us, of us as parents having to teach our kids to not be bad. But in fact we are working with good material (even with the most difficult difficult child) because kids in general WANT to be good, they sometimes either don't know how, or other things keep getting in the way, such as panic, anxiety, frustration and anger. These are primal emotions often triggered by whatever it is that makes them a difficult child. They need our help to find ways to handle tese emotions more effectively. Once the kids see we are trying to help them, they quickly begin to work with us. Yes, we will make mistakes and seem to set everything back; you just go back to start and try again. Each success breeds more success. And as we set the example of how to behave (ie by NOT chasing her where she goes - just don't go there yourself) then she will learn form your example. Behave towards her, as you WANT her to behave to you. Don't force her to be what you want her to be, all she sees is the force. Instead, SHOW her. BE what you want her to be. If you need to, TELL her. "I'm not shouting at you - please don't shout at me. We need to talk quietly about this. If you need to take time to calm yourself first, then go to your room until you are ready. I'll be ready when you are."</p><p>Give her choice. SHE is the one who needs to calm down, let her find her best way of doing it. Let her come out of her room when she feels she is ready - she can always go back there if it's too soon.</p><p></p><p>It works in different ways for different kids, perhaps because it's to a certain extent, self-determination. But from things you've said, she's a smart kid. She will quickly work out her own limits once she doesn't have someone else imposing limits on her so suddenly.</p><p></p><p>See how you go. Good luck sharing this with husband. I do agree, he needs to understand as well or he will think you've suddenly gone soft in the head.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 251858, member: 1991"] You don't have to make it nice. YOU don't have to do anything. Let HER make her own space. Maybe talk to her about it ahead of time, tell her you want to try something different and for her to feel that her room is her space to be in when she is feeling overwhelmed or ants to be somewhere on her own shere she can get her head together again. Tell her we all need this, sometimes we can make a space in our own head but often as we are learning to do this, we need a REAL space somewhere too. Some people use the bathroom, but this is awkward when you have to get out to let someone else use it. A bedroom is better. That way SHE is invested in her own space. Even if all she does is make a blanket tent over her bed, or even under it. I've known easy child 2/difficult child 2 to climb inside her wardrobe in her bedroom, when just being in her bedroom wasn't enough. And I've had the boys climb into a large cardboard box and make that into a cubby of sorts. They cut a hole in one side of the box and filled it with cushions, so they could sit inside the box curled up on cushions and watch TV (or play computer games) through the hole. So let her get creative with her own space. Or not. Her choice. Maybe show your husband this thread, to help him see a little of what it might be like inside her head. I was talking to my husband last night, about difficult child 3 always wanting stuff, and me seemnig to give in. difficult child 3 really nags, a lot. He argues about things. I follow the procedure of "feed the kid, if he's really hungry" but I also don't want to just spend money constantly, if we're out. So I often find ways to feed him, without always buying expensive fast food. Sometimes, such as after drama class which finishes at 6.30 pm, we've got into the habit of buying him a big burger from a local takeaway shop (a good Aussie shop-made burger is about twice/three times the size of a Big Mac, for the same price). But last night as we were driving home it was 6 pm when we stopped for fuel. difficult child 3 announced he wanted me to buy a sausage roll for him to eat. A sudden craving. But we would be home in less than half an hour, so we said no. He began to argue. Now, husband gets angry with him when he argues. I try not to, although I did get short with difficult child 3 and when he insisted that we often do let him buy something to eat when he's hungry, I made it clear I would not, this time, because we DID have food in the car, it just wasn't a hot sausage roll. I reminded him I had some of my home-made sausage rolls at home and if the problem was that he really wanted something hot, savoury and flaky, he could have one of mine which everybody says are the best. Better quality, better taste, better nutrition. And it's maybe about time we begin to eat down the supplies in our freezer. He did quickly settle to this (besides, we'd left the petrol station behind by this stage). But at home when difficult child 3 was out of earshot, husband said, "I was worried you would give in to him back there. It does seem to me that you give in to him a lot. He has to learn to stop wanting things, and to stop arguing so much." I reminded husband that difficult child 3 arguing a lot, and wantingthings the way he does, is part of difficult child 3's presentation, it's the way he is. It's not a bad habit like an average kid would develop, this is how his brain works and why it is a disability. It's perseverative behaviour. The fact that we COULD "logic" difficult child 3 out of it is great progress. I also pointed out that I don't give in to difficult child 3 any more than I did with the other kids, but because he argues about things a lot more, it makes it look like "difficult child 3 wins again" when I do let him have what he wants. difficult child 3 got his sausage rolls and was very happy with them. I make good sausage rolls - the shop ones, even a lot of home recipes, use breadcrumbs in the mix but I don't. I use all meat (plus onion and herbs, all so finely chopped that kids don't get any 'hot' bits). So mine don't taste dry or sawdusty, I also use the best puff pastry I've found for te job, which also happens to be the cheapest. So for the price of something commercial and not so nutritious or tasty, I can make ten times the number of sausage rolls for home. PLus they're fun to make, plus the family loves them. My biggest problem is having any leftover to freeze! I've been known to make a thousand at a time. A big job, takes almost all day. But I digress - what I'm trying to say, is sometimes it's more difficult for our husbands to really grasp just how differently a difficult child thinks. As parents we're conditioned to think about our kids in terms of them vs us, of us as parents having to teach our kids to not be bad. But in fact we are working with good material (even with the most difficult difficult child) because kids in general WANT to be good, they sometimes either don't know how, or other things keep getting in the way, such as panic, anxiety, frustration and anger. These are primal emotions often triggered by whatever it is that makes them a difficult child. They need our help to find ways to handle tese emotions more effectively. Once the kids see we are trying to help them, they quickly begin to work with us. Yes, we will make mistakes and seem to set everything back; you just go back to start and try again. Each success breeds more success. And as we set the example of how to behave (ie by NOT chasing her where she goes - just don't go there yourself) then she will learn form your example. Behave towards her, as you WANT her to behave to you. Don't force her to be what you want her to be, all she sees is the force. Instead, SHOW her. BE what you want her to be. If you need to, TELL her. "I'm not shouting at you - please don't shout at me. We need to talk quietly about this. If you need to take time to calm yourself first, then go to your room until you are ready. I'll be ready when you are." Give her choice. SHE is the one who needs to calm down, let her find her best way of doing it. Let her come out of her room when she feels she is ready - she can always go back there if it's too soon. It works in different ways for different kids, perhaps because it's to a certain extent, self-determination. But from things you've said, she's a smart kid. She will quickly work out her own limits once she doesn't have someone else imposing limits on her so suddenly. See how you go. Good luck sharing this with husband. I do agree, he needs to understand as well or he will think you've suddenly gone soft in the head. Marg [/QUOTE]
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