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Creative ways to outsmart my difficult child
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 328796" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>We have done things differently here.</p><p></p><p>easy child "got together" with her first boyfriend (now SIL1, so be warned!) when she was 14 and he was 15. They met at a camp for kids who help care for a disabled family member. His mother has been a partial quadriplegic since he was 5 years old, he was sole carer.</p><p></p><p>From the time they became an item, we had to deal with the phone being tied up. Made worse because he lived in a city three hours' drive away.</p><p></p><p>So very early on, we sat down and made some deals. The deals have to go in every direction, they're rules not just for the kids, for use of the phone. But due to boyfriend living so far away, it was a long distance relationship very dependent on the phone. So this was necessary.</p><p></p><p>Rules</p><p></p><p>The phone is there for the family to use. Mum & Dad pay for the phone service, so their needs must have priority. However, parents will willingly take a back step on "phone date night". One night a week the lovers may talk on the phone. The cheap night rates begin at 9 pm so the call may begin then and continue until midnight. [Midnight was past the usual bedtime, so t his later hour was a privilege].</p><p></p><p>Each will take turns to call. So if easy child calls boyfriend one week, boyfriend must call easy child the following week. This spreads the cost of the call.</p><p></p><p>In between these marathon phone calls other, shorter calls are permitted but within reason. What constitutes "within reason" is to be negotiated, with the needs of all phone users being taken into account. But where possible, keep such calls short, because you both have your own lives to live, your other responsibilities and if they get neglected then phone privileges will have to be curtailed more strictly.</p><p></p><p>We MUST meet the love interest, as early in the relationship as possible. We also require friends to meet us so we can recognise them and know to allow them entry if they drop in at any time. Any friend or love interest refusing to meet with us wil arouse our suspicion and distrust. [In this case with your difficult child's girlfriend, she could be feeling very anxious about talking to you when she hasn't met you - yet more reason for you inviting her around to dinner one night, or maybe afternoon tea].</p><p></p><p>Our telephones now have Call Waiting, and we have a strict rule that ANY call coming in must be answered, and messages taken in writing, by whoever is on the phone. Obviously if you're on hold to a government department and Call Waiting starts beeping, we tend to not answer that but let Voicemail get it. But this is otherwise a common courtesy rule, it's a house rule for all phone users.</p><p></p><p>These are simple, universal rules. They apply to everybody.</p><p></p><p>The key is, negotiate. Discuss it together. Ask the kids for their input, their opinions. You listen to them, then require them to pay you the same courtesy. Do your utmost to manage this in the same way you would with, say, an elderly parent living with you. It's the beginning of them learning, by the example you set, how to get on with people in their lives as they get older and more independent. </p><p></p><p>THis is something we put in place with our older kids when they reached their teens, when they got to the rebellious teen stage. We found it helped a great deal because these kids WILL clash heads, but if you show them how to back off and discuss (rather than yell) then they learn valuable skills as well as feel themselves being treated with respect due to an adult (even if they don't deserve it, to begin with. They will eventually).</p><p></p><p>We also found it eased our own blood pressure levels.</p><p></p><p>Once you've got this in place for the phone, you can bring it in for other areas of your shared living arrangements. For example, working together to run the house. Learning how to cook, do the washing, keep communal areas tidy etc. A very important rule we brought in and have kept - we always tell one another where we are going and when we will be back. Any variation in this, we let people know. Parents tell the children as much as we require the childrne to tell parents. It also allows us to use one another's movements to help the household. For example, "Are you going to visit Jack? Well here is a couple of dollars. While you're out can you please pick up a couple of litres of milk on your way home?"</p><p>Or</p><p>"I'm just going down to the store for a loaf of bread. Is there anything else that you can think of that should be on the list?"</p><p></p><p>It keeps the home working as a unit, too.</p><p></p><p>Not perfect, of course. But it does tend to work better.</p><p></p><p>And then, if the rules get consistently broken, you disconnect the phones!</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 328796, member: 1991"] We have done things differently here. easy child "got together" with her first boyfriend (now SIL1, so be warned!) when she was 14 and he was 15. They met at a camp for kids who help care for a disabled family member. His mother has been a partial quadriplegic since he was 5 years old, he was sole carer. From the time they became an item, we had to deal with the phone being tied up. Made worse because he lived in a city three hours' drive away. So very early on, we sat down and made some deals. The deals have to go in every direction, they're rules not just for the kids, for use of the phone. But due to boyfriend living so far away, it was a long distance relationship very dependent on the phone. So this was necessary. Rules The phone is there for the family to use. Mum & Dad pay for the phone service, so their needs must have priority. However, parents will willingly take a back step on "phone date night". One night a week the lovers may talk on the phone. The cheap night rates begin at 9 pm so the call may begin then and continue until midnight. [Midnight was past the usual bedtime, so t his later hour was a privilege]. Each will take turns to call. So if easy child calls boyfriend one week, boyfriend must call easy child the following week. This spreads the cost of the call. In between these marathon phone calls other, shorter calls are permitted but within reason. What constitutes "within reason" is to be negotiated, with the needs of all phone users being taken into account. But where possible, keep such calls short, because you both have your own lives to live, your other responsibilities and if they get neglected then phone privileges will have to be curtailed more strictly. We MUST meet the love interest, as early in the relationship as possible. We also require friends to meet us so we can recognise them and know to allow them entry if they drop in at any time. Any friend or love interest refusing to meet with us wil arouse our suspicion and distrust. [In this case with your difficult child's girlfriend, she could be feeling very anxious about talking to you when she hasn't met you - yet more reason for you inviting her around to dinner one night, or maybe afternoon tea]. Our telephones now have Call Waiting, and we have a strict rule that ANY call coming in must be answered, and messages taken in writing, by whoever is on the phone. Obviously if you're on hold to a government department and Call Waiting starts beeping, we tend to not answer that but let Voicemail get it. But this is otherwise a common courtesy rule, it's a house rule for all phone users. These are simple, universal rules. They apply to everybody. The key is, negotiate. Discuss it together. Ask the kids for their input, their opinions. You listen to them, then require them to pay you the same courtesy. Do your utmost to manage this in the same way you would with, say, an elderly parent living with you. It's the beginning of them learning, by the example you set, how to get on with people in their lives as they get older and more independent. THis is something we put in place with our older kids when they reached their teens, when they got to the rebellious teen stage. We found it helped a great deal because these kids WILL clash heads, but if you show them how to back off and discuss (rather than yell) then they learn valuable skills as well as feel themselves being treated with respect due to an adult (even if they don't deserve it, to begin with. They will eventually). We also found it eased our own blood pressure levels. Once you've got this in place for the phone, you can bring it in for other areas of your shared living arrangements. For example, working together to run the house. Learning how to cook, do the washing, keep communal areas tidy etc. A very important rule we brought in and have kept - we always tell one another where we are going and when we will be back. Any variation in this, we let people know. Parents tell the children as much as we require the childrne to tell parents. It also allows us to use one another's movements to help the household. For example, "Are you going to visit Jack? Well here is a couple of dollars. While you're out can you please pick up a couple of litres of milk on your way home?" Or "I'm just going down to the store for a loaf of bread. Is there anything else that you can think of that should be on the list?" It keeps the home working as a unit, too. Not perfect, of course. But it does tend to work better. And then, if the rules get consistently broken, you disconnect the phones! Marg [/QUOTE]
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