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Dad, I don't like how .....
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 110230" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Linda, this hurts. But hold on to the knowledge that wm was not trying to hurt you, he's just a scared little boy who wants his mother back the way he remembers. kt has lived through the changes (and you know how it has still upset her) but wm has not.</p><p></p><p>I was concerned that foster mother pulled him off the phone when he was asking if you were going to die. That is NOT how to handle a kid's anxiety. It would have left him with the fear that maybe his question was too close to the mark, as well as sending him a clear message that he is not permitted to discuss his fears, so as a result he will bury them. It is also teaching him that the way to cope with these fears is denial. And part of that denial is to not have to look at the physical reality (ie "please don't visit, because when I look at how your illness has ravaged you it makes me afraid for you.")</p><p></p><p>Yes, he does nee to go through this with his therapist, but some guidelines need to be put in place NOW for how to more appropriately handle his questions and his fears.</p><p></p><p>I remember easy child asking if I was going to die. She also found it hard to believe me when I said that although doctors couldn't stop the progress of the damage to my body, they could tell enough to know I was not in danger. I might be weak, ill and unable to do much, but still not in danger of dying.</p><p></p><p>Some well-meaning people can do a lot of damage. Someone at church, unknown to me, took easy child aside and together they prayed that I would be healed. I was very angry when I found out - to give a child that sort of hope has a flip-side - when I failed to be healed, she blames herself for not having enough faith, or 'not having prayed right'.</p><p></p><p>And a similar thing happened with difficult child 3 - a different person this time, took him aside and together they prayed that his autism would be healed. THAT sent him a message that his autism was something bad, something to be gotten rid of at all costs (when I had been teaching him that his autism was an important part of who he is and I love him as he is, with the special talents he has as well as the problems which we work on). And again, failure was taken personally.</p><p></p><p>We need to be honest with our kids. Even the more emotionally fragile difficult children need truth. Yes, it has to be given in a way they can handle, we shouldn't be too blunt. It is always possible to put a positive spin on something as well as telling the basics without the full gory details. But sometimes, if all there is left is gory details and they insist on knowing, we should do them the courtesy of being honest. In the long run it is the better option, because at least they will trust the people they love.</p><p></p><p>If you want to raise a child to be truthful, you must be truthful with that child. We can't hide the truth from a child and then chastise that child when she lies to us.</p><p></p><p>Linda, you've had a really tough year. Wm has uttered the reality and also said how he feels about that. He is being honest about his feelings. As you said yourself, it is nothing you don't already feel yourself. He needs to be praised for his honesty but at the same time shown that it is hurtful to make such requests, and at the same time will not help him in the long run. He has to learn to cope with life's changes.</p><p></p><p>When I was a little girl my favourite oldest sister went away overseas. This was back before people caught planes everywhere - plane travel was too expensive - so when you went overseas, especially from Australia, so far from anywhere else, it was for years. We didn't know when she would be back and she had been a second mother to me.</p><p></p><p>Four years later she returned. In the meantime she had got married (so I had to share her), had seen a great deal, had developed an accent that was a mixture of Canadian and English, had changed as a person. So had I - I was no longer six years old.</p><p>We went to the airport to meet them - because she had married an Englishman, she was no longer an Australian citizen and was having to emigrate back to the country where she had been born.</p><p>We waited in anticipation and when she and her new husband were walking across the tarmac with everyone else, I found it hard to accept that that figure was my sister; I kept looking past them for the person I remembered, hoping she was still waiting to get off the plane.</p><p>My sister had changed as a person too. Her marriage was not the best and she was brittle, temperamental and the patience I remembered had gone. Her husband made it clear to me that he didn't want an annoying little sister-in-law hanging around. And my sister let him say that to me.</p><p></p><p>Where was my sister? I wanted her back but I did know that this person too, was my sister and I had to just accept her as she was now, and accept the change.</p><p></p><p>Wm is being allowed to continue to live in a dream world where everything is fine. He needs to be allowed to see the reality, be made to embrace it, actually, if he is going to be able to grow later on as a person. To shelter him so much is doing him a disservice.</p><p></p><p>And I know it's not you sheltering him, but the system. Some sheltering and support is clearly needed, but he has to be allowed to learn, especially when he is asking questions. He needs the truth, he needs to learn to accept changes (especially those we can't prevent) and he REALLY needs to learn tact.</p><p></p><p>Letting all this slide, is not healthy for him. The child is not in isolation, here, he is part of a family which has endured a great deal and ALL of it needs to be considered in the bigger picture.</p><p></p><p>Sometimes I would like to get all the therapists, fosters, docs etc who only consider the child in isolation, into one big room and bang their heads together, to knock some sense into them.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 110230, member: 1991"] Linda, this hurts. But hold on to the knowledge that wm was not trying to hurt you, he's just a scared little boy who wants his mother back the way he remembers. kt has lived through the changes (and you know how it has still upset her) but wm has not. I was concerned that foster mother pulled him off the phone when he was asking if you were going to die. That is NOT how to handle a kid's anxiety. It would have left him with the fear that maybe his question was too close to the mark, as well as sending him a clear message that he is not permitted to discuss his fears, so as a result he will bury them. It is also teaching him that the way to cope with these fears is denial. And part of that denial is to not have to look at the physical reality (ie "please don't visit, because when I look at how your illness has ravaged you it makes me afraid for you.") Yes, he does nee to go through this with his therapist, but some guidelines need to be put in place NOW for how to more appropriately handle his questions and his fears. I remember easy child asking if I was going to die. She also found it hard to believe me when I said that although doctors couldn't stop the progress of the damage to my body, they could tell enough to know I was not in danger. I might be weak, ill and unable to do much, but still not in danger of dying. Some well-meaning people can do a lot of damage. Someone at church, unknown to me, took easy child aside and together they prayed that I would be healed. I was very angry when I found out - to give a child that sort of hope has a flip-side - when I failed to be healed, she blames herself for not having enough faith, or 'not having prayed right'. And a similar thing happened with difficult child 3 - a different person this time, took him aside and together they prayed that his autism would be healed. THAT sent him a message that his autism was something bad, something to be gotten rid of at all costs (when I had been teaching him that his autism was an important part of who he is and I love him as he is, with the special talents he has as well as the problems which we work on). And again, failure was taken personally. We need to be honest with our kids. Even the more emotionally fragile difficult children need truth. Yes, it has to be given in a way they can handle, we shouldn't be too blunt. It is always possible to put a positive spin on something as well as telling the basics without the full gory details. But sometimes, if all there is left is gory details and they insist on knowing, we should do them the courtesy of being honest. In the long run it is the better option, because at least they will trust the people they love. If you want to raise a child to be truthful, you must be truthful with that child. We can't hide the truth from a child and then chastise that child when she lies to us. Linda, you've had a really tough year. Wm has uttered the reality and also said how he feels about that. He is being honest about his feelings. As you said yourself, it is nothing you don't already feel yourself. He needs to be praised for his honesty but at the same time shown that it is hurtful to make such requests, and at the same time will not help him in the long run. He has to learn to cope with life's changes. When I was a little girl my favourite oldest sister went away overseas. This was back before people caught planes everywhere - plane travel was too expensive - so when you went overseas, especially from Australia, so far from anywhere else, it was for years. We didn't know when she would be back and she had been a second mother to me. Four years later she returned. In the meantime she had got married (so I had to share her), had seen a great deal, had developed an accent that was a mixture of Canadian and English, had changed as a person. So had I - I was no longer six years old. We went to the airport to meet them - because she had married an Englishman, she was no longer an Australian citizen and was having to emigrate back to the country where she had been born. We waited in anticipation and when she and her new husband were walking across the tarmac with everyone else, I found it hard to accept that that figure was my sister; I kept looking past them for the person I remembered, hoping she was still waiting to get off the plane. My sister had changed as a person too. Her marriage was not the best and she was brittle, temperamental and the patience I remembered had gone. Her husband made it clear to me that he didn't want an annoying little sister-in-law hanging around. And my sister let him say that to me. Where was my sister? I wanted her back but I did know that this person too, was my sister and I had to just accept her as she was now, and accept the change. Wm is being allowed to continue to live in a dream world where everything is fine. He needs to be allowed to see the reality, be made to embrace it, actually, if he is going to be able to grow later on as a person. To shelter him so much is doing him a disservice. And I know it's not you sheltering him, but the system. Some sheltering and support is clearly needed, but he has to be allowed to learn, especially when he is asking questions. He needs the truth, he needs to learn to accept changes (especially those we can't prevent) and he REALLY needs to learn tact. Letting all this slide, is not healthy for him. The child is not in isolation, here, he is part of a family which has endured a great deal and ALL of it needs to be considered in the bigger picture. Sometimes I would like to get all the therapists, fosters, docs etc who only consider the child in isolation, into one big room and bang their heads together, to knock some sense into them. Marg [/QUOTE]
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