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daughter-12 raging, destructive behavior ... help!
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 118359" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Hi there & Welcome - </p><p></p><p>You know I was lurking - and felt so strongly about what I am going to say to you I stopped going to dinner until i finish this. </p><p></p><p>You make too many threats. It's confusing to your son. Every time you make a threat, you loose 2 steps backwards with these kids. </p><p></p><p>I have your sons clone - encopretic, beligerant, destructive, hateful, threatening, physically violent (ONCE). </p><p></p><p>I am an overcomer of domestic violence. I did not have a good relationship with my xmil. She babied her son (my x). Eventually her kids killed her. My DF hung on for the ride - but barely and it nearly destroyed us. I don't have other children, but have 2 huge dogs that had PTSD from difficult child's behavior. </p><p></p><p>My son is now 17 and living in a group home. </p><p></p><p>If I were to go back over your post - the first thing I come to is the mattress deal. The next time he blocks his door from you - take the dang thing out in the garage and let him sleep on the box springs - if he puts that up - take that out too and let him sleep on the floor. </p><p></p><p>If he throws things after you have cleaned (and while I don't recommend YOU clean his room I get the idea that either you clean it or go crazy) and they are on the floor - he has choices - either pick them up within X amount of minutes or PACK THEM UP. </p><p></p><p>If he does something and you say "We're taking your door" TAKE IT - NOT next time - put it with the mattress and box springs - and if he doesn't earn them back by X date - donate his junk. Sleeping on the floor never killed anyone. </p><p></p><p>Then you have the argument about the Wii- NO maam - that dang thing would be put up with the books - he could EARN time on it with good behavior - but to just keep letting HIM control your house and make excuses - OH I am not at a place where I can stop - BOLONGA - pulling the plug was good - but there should not need to be a I pull the plug and he stomps off routine - YOU SAY IT - you give a time limit - and THAT IS IT. THese kids have very black and white thinking - and can't be parented with normal parenting skills - you are going to have to become WARRIOR MOM. </p><p></p><p>And the thing in the bathroom ? HUH- yeah I'll tell you what - HIS BUTT wouldn't have left that room until it was ALL wiped up and clean for someone else to use. I guess you could have gone and gotten his mattress and blocked the door until it was done - but why? You are the parent - you said it - he needs to do it. And knock off all this horse apples about I'm going to do this and that to make you angry. </p><p></p><p>WOW what an amateur manipulator - and THAT is a good thing because it means YOU still have time to ONE UP him - if you can get tough about your parenting with him. OTHERWISE you may as well write WELCOME across your chest and wait for him to wipe his feet on you. </p><p></p><p>As far as taking away the weekend - NO EARNING THAT BACK - you said it- IT IS DONE and he has WHOM to thank for that? HIMSELF. </p><p>DO NOT GIVE IN. THese kids like to win - and if you back down - for whatever reason - HE Wins and you are back to parenting without a spine. HE will eat you alive. </p><p></p><p>I'm not saying go militant parent on him, but you have to establish house rules, and post them for all to see, and next to that consequences - and then type it out in duplicate - and he signs it - gets a copy and YOU sign it. He'll spend more time trying to find a loophole in your rules than you can think about. </p><p></p><p>Now to address the hitting issue: I guess I would say - if you want him to think it's okay to hit - lets say a cop, his girlfriends, your daughters - people at school - then fine - don't do anything serious about his hitting you. BIG BIG NO NO. You tell him - IF YOU THREATEN or ATTEMPT to be PHYSICAL WITH ME _ I will call the police - and THEN DO IT. It sends a definite message that if you do A - B will happen and Momma ain't kidding. </p><p></p><p>No more, no more. You can also include on your list of rules and consequences PULLING A FULL RILEY - this is where you take EVERYTHING out of his room because he is so destructive and box it up and he can earn one thing at a time back. </p><p></p><p>LONG TERM GROUNDINGS WITH THESE KIDS DO NOT WORK EVER - </p><p>So you have to get creative - short term punishments in consistant doses DOES WORK but it takes years. And as far as the encopresis? Don't make a big deal about it -make HIM wash out his poopy drawers outside away from the house in a bucket and then rinse and bring them in to wash. Mine never got tired of washing his poopy underwear outside - but at least I didn't have to try to do it myself in the house and GAG DF. There should also be a consequence for hiding poopy drawers as well. And whenyou find them in spades - OUT he goes to the poop wash bucket with gloves, soap (in a minature bottle) and a hose and I don't give a dang HOW cold it is - out you go. No one wants to smell that. ANd get some 20 mule team borax to wash the poopy stuff in - it helps with the odor. </p><p></p><p>You have a right to be the parent - you have a right to be safe in your own home. You have a right to tell this kid that if he does A, B will most assuredly happen and follow through with it. </p><p>You both have a right to talk to a therapist for help because after 14 years of battling this - I'm worn out and the only thing that helped was our family therapist. It helped DF understand me, my son - our past life - it helped everyone to stop feeling sorry for themselves and playing the role of victim - (which your son is trying to do now) it helped with loss, daily grief, and it helped me to be able to still have a good man like DF in my life because there is no such thing as a lesser man when it comes to difficult child - he's only doing the best he can - just like you - but if you all really want to do the best you can seek a good therapist. </p><p></p><p>You won't regret it - This is going to be a battle through his teens, and for some into their 20's and 30's - you are going to need all the insight and help you can get. Take care of yourself, and my best heartfelt advice - don't let this child run you - take back the control and take a huge helping of hugs from me and everyone here - it's a long battle and not for the weak - we're very special to be chosen as parents of these kids - because we're tough - just don't let him wear you down. </p><p></p><p>Many, many hugs - We're here for you ! </p><p></p><p>Star</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 118359, member: 4964"] Hi there & Welcome - You know I was lurking - and felt so strongly about what I am going to say to you I stopped going to dinner until i finish this. You make too many threats. It's confusing to your son. Every time you make a threat, you loose 2 steps backwards with these kids. I have your sons clone - encopretic, beligerant, destructive, hateful, threatening, physically violent (ONCE). I am an overcomer of domestic violence. I did not have a good relationship with my xmil. She babied her son (my x). Eventually her kids killed her. My DF hung on for the ride - but barely and it nearly destroyed us. I don't have other children, but have 2 huge dogs that had PTSD from difficult child's behavior. My son is now 17 and living in a group home. If I were to go back over your post - the first thing I come to is the mattress deal. The next time he blocks his door from you - take the dang thing out in the garage and let him sleep on the box springs - if he puts that up - take that out too and let him sleep on the floor. If he throws things after you have cleaned (and while I don't recommend YOU clean his room I get the idea that either you clean it or go crazy) and they are on the floor - he has choices - either pick them up within X amount of minutes or PACK THEM UP. If he does something and you say "We're taking your door" TAKE IT - NOT next time - put it with the mattress and box springs - and if he doesn't earn them back by X date - donate his junk. Sleeping on the floor never killed anyone. Then you have the argument about the Wii- NO maam - that dang thing would be put up with the books - he could EARN time on it with good behavior - but to just keep letting HIM control your house and make excuses - OH I am not at a place where I can stop - BOLONGA - pulling the plug was good - but there should not need to be a I pull the plug and he stomps off routine - YOU SAY IT - you give a time limit - and THAT IS IT. THese kids have very black and white thinking - and can't be parented with normal parenting skills - you are going to have to become WARRIOR MOM. And the thing in the bathroom ? HUH- yeah I'll tell you what - HIS BUTT wouldn't have left that room until it was ALL wiped up and clean for someone else to use. I guess you could have gone and gotten his mattress and blocked the door until it was done - but why? You are the parent - you said it - he needs to do it. And knock off all this horse apples about I'm going to do this and that to make you angry. WOW what an amateur manipulator - and THAT is a good thing because it means YOU still have time to ONE UP him - if you can get tough about your parenting with him. OTHERWISE you may as well write WELCOME across your chest and wait for him to wipe his feet on you. As far as taking away the weekend - NO EARNING THAT BACK - you said it- IT IS DONE and he has WHOM to thank for that? HIMSELF. DO NOT GIVE IN. THese kids like to win - and if you back down - for whatever reason - HE Wins and you are back to parenting without a spine. HE will eat you alive. I'm not saying go militant parent on him, but you have to establish house rules, and post them for all to see, and next to that consequences - and then type it out in duplicate - and he signs it - gets a copy and YOU sign it. He'll spend more time trying to find a loophole in your rules than you can think about. Now to address the hitting issue: I guess I would say - if you want him to think it's okay to hit - lets say a cop, his girlfriends, your daughters - people at school - then fine - don't do anything serious about his hitting you. BIG BIG NO NO. You tell him - IF YOU THREATEN or ATTEMPT to be PHYSICAL WITH ME _ I will call the police - and THEN DO IT. It sends a definite message that if you do A - B will happen and Momma ain't kidding. No more, no more. You can also include on your list of rules and consequences PULLING A FULL RILEY - this is where you take EVERYTHING out of his room because he is so destructive and box it up and he can earn one thing at a time back. LONG TERM GROUNDINGS WITH THESE KIDS DO NOT WORK EVER - So you have to get creative - short term punishments in consistant doses DOES WORK but it takes years. And as far as the encopresis? Don't make a big deal about it -make HIM wash out his poopy drawers outside away from the house in a bucket and then rinse and bring them in to wash. Mine never got tired of washing his poopy underwear outside - but at least I didn't have to try to do it myself in the house and GAG DF. There should also be a consequence for hiding poopy drawers as well. And whenyou find them in spades - OUT he goes to the poop wash bucket with gloves, soap (in a minature bottle) and a hose and I don't give a dang HOW cold it is - out you go. No one wants to smell that. ANd get some 20 mule team borax to wash the poopy stuff in - it helps with the odor. You have a right to be the parent - you have a right to be safe in your own home. You have a right to tell this kid that if he does A, B will most assuredly happen and follow through with it. You both have a right to talk to a therapist for help because after 14 years of battling this - I'm worn out and the only thing that helped was our family therapist. It helped DF understand me, my son - our past life - it helped everyone to stop feeling sorry for themselves and playing the role of victim - (which your son is trying to do now) it helped with loss, daily grief, and it helped me to be able to still have a good man like DF in my life because there is no such thing as a lesser man when it comes to difficult child - he's only doing the best he can - just like you - but if you all really want to do the best you can seek a good therapist. You won't regret it - This is going to be a battle through his teens, and for some into their 20's and 30's - you are going to need all the insight and help you can get. Take care of yourself, and my best heartfelt advice - don't let this child run you - take back the control and take a huge helping of hugs from me and everyone here - it's a long battle and not for the weak - we're very special to be chosen as parents of these kids - because we're tough - just don't let him wear you down. Many, many hugs - We're here for you ! Star [/QUOTE]
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