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Daughter and Christmas
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 705365" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Nomad. This is my second Christmas here on CD and I remember last Christmas with her. This one does seem worse.</p><p></p><p>I will speak directly here: You seem to cater her. She is obnoxious and it is obvious that she tries to be nasty and difficult. Constant complaining, biting the hand that feeds her; these are not behaviors that are consistent with pleasant companionship. Anybody would feel the way you do.</p><p></p><p>It seems to me that on some level you feel guilty that you do not find her as pleasant or likeable or loveable as you do your son. And because she is adopted and has not realized the dreams you had for her, that somehow your own feelings of resentment or pain, or frustration are invalid and wrong. Not parental, in a sense.</p><p></p><p>This is false. Everybody, when they are in the presence of somebody self-indulgent, demanding, difficult, unpleasant feels BAD and wants to leave the situation. Nobody, I mean, nobody wants to endure this. Even loving, responsible and caring parents want to do nothing but escape.</p><p></p><p>This is not your fault. But you seem to blame yourself that she is not loveable and your son is. That somehow this is invalid and wrong on your part. Anybody would feel like this. All parents with multiple children have preferences. They prefer to be with one child. They favor that child. It is normal. They may deny it but it is true. In your case one child treats you with kindness, and you find time spent with him rewarding and pleasant. The other child, treats you differently. You respond, in kind. Except you forbid yourself this response. You are tied up in knots.</p><p></p><p>You try everything to help her, to support her and she sabotages it and you.</p><p></p><p>This is the reality of things, I think.</p><p></p><p>I think it is time that you start preparing for your move. One year until husband retires is nothing. I would today declare it to myself, beginning our move.</p><p></p><p>There are multiple services available to her, your daughter, publically, through mental health, social services, social security, disabled students, vocational rehabilitation, etcetera. Social Security will even pay for a board and care home, should she not care for herself adequately in the Condo.</p><p></p><p>Personally, I would NOT want her around for Christmas, the way she sabotages things. She does not in the main hurt herself by her conduct, she hurts others. I would not volunteer to be hurt in this way.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 705365, member: 18958"] Nomad. This is my second Christmas here on CD and I remember last Christmas with her. This one does seem worse. I will speak directly here: You seem to cater her. She is obnoxious and it is obvious that she tries to be nasty and difficult. Constant complaining, biting the hand that feeds her; these are not behaviors that are consistent with pleasant companionship. Anybody would feel the way you do. It seems to me that on some level you feel guilty that you do not find her as pleasant or likeable or loveable as you do your son. And because she is adopted and has not realized the dreams you had for her, that somehow your own feelings of resentment or pain, or frustration are invalid and wrong. Not parental, in a sense. This is false. Everybody, when they are in the presence of somebody self-indulgent, demanding, difficult, unpleasant feels BAD and wants to leave the situation. Nobody, I mean, nobody wants to endure this. Even loving, responsible and caring parents want to do nothing but escape. This is not your fault. But you seem to blame yourself that she is not loveable and your son is. That somehow this is invalid and wrong on your part. Anybody would feel like this. All parents with multiple children have preferences. They prefer to be with one child. They favor that child. It is normal. They may deny it but it is true. In your case one child treats you with kindness, and you find time spent with him rewarding and pleasant. The other child, treats you differently. You respond, in kind. Except you forbid yourself this response. You are tied up in knots. You try everything to help her, to support her and she sabotages it and you. This is the reality of things, I think. I think it is time that you start preparing for your move. One year until husband retires is nothing. I would today declare it to myself, beginning our move. There are multiple services available to her, your daughter, publically, through mental health, social services, social security, disabled students, vocational rehabilitation, etcetera. Social Security will even pay for a board and care home, should she not care for herself adequately in the Condo. Personally, I would NOT want her around for Christmas, the way she sabotages things. She does not in the main hurt herself by her conduct, she hurts others. I would not volunteer to be hurt in this way. [/QUOTE]
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