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Daughter "Back" With Abusive Ex... Demanding Child
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 753160" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>ChickPea. First I want to tell you how sorry I am. You're dealing with the hardest thing. The vulnerability of a child. And you are powerless to help her.</p><p></p><p>Oh. You could do this or that. You could invite her into the house, without conditions. Along with her friends. You could fulfil her every need and want. You could hug and kiss her. You could give her money.</p><p></p><p>But what would it do? How would this build her up and contain her, and sustain her, prop her up, in the way that she needs? It wouldn't. Because that's what I would want. To build her up, to hold her up, to tie her hands, to keep her going, in the right direction. </p><p></p><p>How can we do that for another adult? It's not just hugs and kisses that we want to give. We want to give them a transfusion of our energy, our confidence, our direction, our strength. We can't. I tried. And I keep trying. It doesn't work.I have the hardest time with this attitude with my own son. The words that come to mind are floppy. No fight. Self-indulgent. Wanting to be rescued as opposed to putting in the consistent work to change. And, too, seeking my pity while they cry about how hard their lives are, instead of learning to recognize that all of us are dealing with the same life. Which is hard. What's easy about your own?</p><p></p><p>Their task at this point is to find internal muscle. Not flopping.</p><p>This is hard. I'm struggling with the same thing. These are adult men and women. I think you show your love for her in every single thing you do. You have opened your arms to her in every conceivable way. You are raising her child, so that she (and you) would not lose him. Or that he come to harm.</p><p></p><p>The "showing her love" of which you speak,indulging your heartfelt desire to minister to her, to dote on her, to embrace her, right now, would be flopping, too. In my way of seeing this. With that you know you would be embracing the self-indulgence, the moral laziness, the addictive and degrading lifestyle. A parent's task is so multi-faceted. Boundaries and limits, and pulling for autonomy and growth are a part of nurture, too. And then, we are talking about an adult here. An adult mother.</p><p></p><p>She is capable of change. This is not somebody without the potential to have resources. At this point, still, she sees her resources as outside of her, probably in you. I see one of our jobs as standing firm, to locate our locus of control in us. To feel our power as internal to us, not in their manipulations, or suffering. This is hard. For me, this is hard. But doable. Your greatest love (and strength) and my own, would be to do this, I believe.</p><p></p><p>In my own experience I have done better by fortifying boundaries, both internal ones in my own psyche, and external ones, like limits. Than by indulgence either to myself or my son.</p><p></p><p>We are putting in hard stops for my son, even though these are extremely painful for us, more so than for him, I think. And increasingly he's showing the inclination to respect them. As well as finding that things he's avoided, actually may give him self-esteem, pleasure and a greater capacity to self-regulate. And the remarkable thing, he seems more open to his love for me. His love must feel less threatening to him. Because he may feel greater autonomy. I hope.</p><p></p><p>As I write this I realize that the discipline for me to act from hard stops, consistency, clarity and follow through, while it gives me no pleasure gives me greater self esteem and capacity to self-regulate, too.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 753160, member: 18958"] ChickPea. First I want to tell you how sorry I am. You're dealing with the hardest thing. The vulnerability of a child. And you are powerless to help her. Oh. You could do this or that. You could invite her into the house, without conditions. Along with her friends. You could fulfil her every need and want. You could hug and kiss her. You could give her money. But what would it do? How would this build her up and contain her, and sustain her, prop her up, in the way that she needs? It wouldn't. Because that's what I would want. To build her up, to hold her up, to tie her hands, to keep her going, in the right direction. How can we do that for another adult? It's not just hugs and kisses that we want to give. We want to give them a transfusion of our energy, our confidence, our direction, our strength. We can't. I tried. And I keep trying. It doesn't work.I have the hardest time with this attitude with my own son. The words that come to mind are floppy. No fight. Self-indulgent. Wanting to be rescued as opposed to putting in the consistent work to change. And, too, seeking my pity while they cry about how hard their lives are, instead of learning to recognize that all of us are dealing with the same life. Which is hard. What's easy about your own? Their task at this point is to find internal muscle. Not flopping. This is hard. I'm struggling with the same thing. These are adult men and women. I think you show your love for her in every single thing you do. You have opened your arms to her in every conceivable way. You are raising her child, so that she (and you) would not lose him. Or that he come to harm. The "showing her love" of which you speak,indulging your heartfelt desire to minister to her, to dote on her, to embrace her, right now, would be flopping, too. In my way of seeing this. With that you know you would be embracing the self-indulgence, the moral laziness, the addictive and degrading lifestyle. A parent's task is so multi-faceted. Boundaries and limits, and pulling for autonomy and growth are a part of nurture, too. And then, we are talking about an adult here. An adult mother. She is capable of change. This is not somebody without the potential to have resources. At this point, still, she sees her resources as outside of her, probably in you. I see one of our jobs as standing firm, to locate our locus of control in us. To feel our power as internal to us, not in their manipulations, or suffering. This is hard. For me, this is hard. But doable. Your greatest love (and strength) and my own, would be to do this, I believe. In my own experience I have done better by fortifying boundaries, both internal ones in my own psyche, and external ones, like limits. Than by indulgence either to myself or my son. We are putting in hard stops for my son, even though these are extremely painful for us, more so than for him, I think. And increasingly he's showing the inclination to respect them. As well as finding that things he's avoided, actually may give him self-esteem, pleasure and a greater capacity to self-regulate. And the remarkable thing, he seems more open to his love for me. His love must feel less threatening to him. Because he may feel greater autonomy. I hope. As I write this I realize that the discipline for me to act from hard stops, consistency, clarity and follow through, while it gives me no pleasure gives me greater self esteem and capacity to self-regulate, too. [/QUOTE]
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