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Daughter "Back" With Abusive Ex... Demanding Child
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 753200" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>We are exactly here, too:Which has led us to this:Finally, at the end of my rope I told my son 3 weeks ago, <em>"we will let you stay (in a home I own) one night for each day you demonstrate with proof you have worked." </em></p><p><em></em></p><p>It turned out he found that day a volunteer position at the food bank. He begins his fourth week tomorrow. He is resisting mightily bringing the verification. We accommodated him, because the manager said verification could only be provided weekly. OK. But he's having the hardest time meeting this requirement. </p><p></p><p>The upshot is we won't let him in the house. Until he conforms. </p><p></p><p>The reality is we suffer more than does he, watching him squat in the backyard. He will not move on, because he has no good options. Or, is it because he has no incentive to do so, because we are still in the game, which is his game. He still insists that he makes the rules.</p><p></p><p>One could argue this is enabling on my part. Because if I called the police to arrest him for trespass, or if I stopped completely dealing with him, he would have to come up with some way of living, completely independent of me. I think this would be considered as allowing him to "hit bottom." </p><p></p><p>But the last time we did this, he just kept falling. I came to the belief that as a parent, I could and would support my adult son, if he worked with me. </p><p></p><p>So far, it's hit and miss. I would have defined it as a "win" almost a month of consistently working full time in a charitable project. However, while he insists he likes the work and setting, he's doing this only "under the gun."</p><p></p><p>I see us in comparable situations. Trying to provide support and incentive and boundaries, with adult children who (still) lack the age-appropriate resources and motivation to do this themselves.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 753200, member: 18958"] We are exactly here, too:Which has led us to this:Finally, at the end of my rope I told my son 3 weeks ago, [I]"we will let you stay (in a home I own) one night for each day you demonstrate with proof you have worked." [/I] It turned out he found that day a volunteer position at the food bank. He begins his fourth week tomorrow. He is resisting mightily bringing the verification. We accommodated him, because the manager said verification could only be provided weekly. OK. But he's having the hardest time meeting this requirement. The upshot is we won't let him in the house. Until he conforms. The reality is we suffer more than does he, watching him squat in the backyard. He will not move on, because he has no good options. Or, is it because he has no incentive to do so, because we are still in the game, which is his game. He still insists that he makes the rules. One could argue this is enabling on my part. Because if I called the police to arrest him for trespass, or if I stopped completely dealing with him, he would have to come up with some way of living, completely independent of me. I think this would be considered as allowing him to "hit bottom." But the last time we did this, he just kept falling. I came to the belief that as a parent, I could and would support my adult son, if he worked with me. So far, it's hit and miss. I would have defined it as a "win" almost a month of consistently working full time in a charitable project. However, while he insists he likes the work and setting, he's doing this only "under the gun." I see us in comparable situations. Trying to provide support and incentive and boundaries, with adult children who (still) lack the age-appropriate resources and motivation to do this themselves. [/QUOTE]
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