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daughter faces court date for non attendance
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<blockquote data-quote="Thinking Outside the Box" data-source="post: 312762" data-attributes="member: 8210"><p>No two situations are the same, I know, but to some degree, I understand where you are at. My oldest, who is 18 now, went through severe depression in his early teens to 16 1/2ish. He went to more counselors then I could count and he hated every one of them. He didn't trust them and felt they couldn't understand. He never had a problem making and keeping friends til around 13 and he just started pulling away from them. He stopped doing his work, didn't respect the school authority or educators. My son was very intelligent, but school from the ages of 13 to 18, was simply a waste of time for him. He barely graduated; the teachers gave him way too many breaks because they just didn't want him back there, so he graduated on time. He didn't socialize except on the computer. He had an out of state girlfriend at one point that he was going to run off and see (so he thought). His girlfriends were the only ones he seemed to care about. His hygiene too, was poor. It drove me crazy. I decided to follow the advice I was given-"ignore the hygiene, one day he will start washing!" Just when I thought he would never touch deoderant again, lightening struck and he started showering 2-3 times a day, brushing teeth, cleaning his shoes, and so on. He was just a little over 16 when he turned on the water again (so to speak) and it has been running ever since!!! He is out of school now and is a very different person. Now his behavior was far from perfect from 16-18, but is was a very different type of behavior then we got from 13-16. </p><p> </p><p>Medication didn't seem to help him at all for depression. I remember a time when I was driving and he was in the back seat (he was around 14ish). I could see him in my rear-view mirror and I remember looking at him and being scared to death; I was suddenly filled with a very real fear that he would take his own life. He seemed so sad, so empty, like there was nothing left of my son but a shell. He then went to live with his father, even though he had always lived with me and his step father. Once there, things got even worse and I do not say it lightly, that every time his bio-dad called, I feared he was calling to tell me my son had taken his life. He started skipping school and had 42 absences for 1 yr. I was 2 hours away from him; it was devastating for us. His dad was not concerned. My husband and I never gave up; we continued to keep in close contact with the school. I started emailing every one of his teachers at the end of every week and kept in contact with the secretary on his absences and the counselor regarding his behavior. It gradually started to improve when he knew I was going to keep contacting the school and checking in with him and holding him accountable for his actions, he had to answer for them and he didn't like the confrontation and he gradually learned. Now, he is graduated. He has been with the same girl ( a nice, beautiful, goal-oriented, head of her class girl) for over three years, great driving record so far (only been driving for a year, because of his issues with school, since it is a privilege), enrolled in college for winter semester and has since cut his ridiculously long hair to VERY short, and has been working since he graduated. He was one special treat after another. After obsessing over electronics of any kind, now he could care less. </p><p> </p><p>I firmly believe that though him and I were always close, he still had issues with his dad and I not being to together. My son is a very sensitive child and he too would cry often. He was missing something that no medication or therapy could fix for him. He made a lot of bad choices and the fear I had of him commiting suicide was very real. I honestly have seen him so sad, I didn't think I would see another birthday for him at that time. He went to a facility, forced by court and I can tell you, he didn't care-until it happened. My son, for whatever reason, I feel, was continuously testing me to make sure I was still paying attention. I think for him, he was realizing the unconditional love didn't exist on his father's end and he needed to constantly put me in a situation where I had to prove that to him so that he could see it and feel it. I wouldn't say the facility itself was good or bad for him and I worried that it would make things much worse, but things didn't get worse and it helped him see that yup, mom still loves me and he slowly has learned to trust more. He was no easy task getting him safely to 18, but he is there and he is happy to be going to college on his own terms. Being "bad", was his way of forcing me to prove my unconditional love for him on a continous basis. I love him and he no longer doubts. I tell him all the time, I can't wait to see what awesome things he does with his life. Please, I am not trying to sound like I know exactly how you feel and don't worry because everything will be wonderful, because we are all different and feel things differently, but the hours of worry and the barrels of tears I have spilled were very real, as were his feelings at that time. Now, he is secure and no amount of therapy fixed that for him, but he went because I said he had to and he had to because I cared. Take care and I hope things will start getting better.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Thinking Outside the Box, post: 312762, member: 8210"] No two situations are the same, I know, but to some degree, I understand where you are at. My oldest, who is 18 now, went through severe depression in his early teens to 16 1/2ish. He went to more counselors then I could count and he hated every one of them. He didn't trust them and felt they couldn't understand. He never had a problem making and keeping friends til around 13 and he just started pulling away from them. He stopped doing his work, didn't respect the school authority or educators. My son was very intelligent, but school from the ages of 13 to 18, was simply a waste of time for him. He barely graduated; the teachers gave him way too many breaks because they just didn't want him back there, so he graduated on time. He didn't socialize except on the computer. He had an out of state girlfriend at one point that he was going to run off and see (so he thought). His girlfriends were the only ones he seemed to care about. His hygiene too, was poor. It drove me crazy. I decided to follow the advice I was given-"ignore the hygiene, one day he will start washing!" Just when I thought he would never touch deoderant again, lightening struck and he started showering 2-3 times a day, brushing teeth, cleaning his shoes, and so on. He was just a little over 16 when he turned on the water again (so to speak) and it has been running ever since!!! He is out of school now and is a very different person. Now his behavior was far from perfect from 16-18, but is was a very different type of behavior then we got from 13-16. Medication didn't seem to help him at all for depression. I remember a time when I was driving and he was in the back seat (he was around 14ish). I could see him in my rear-view mirror and I remember looking at him and being scared to death; I was suddenly filled with a very real fear that he would take his own life. He seemed so sad, so empty, like there was nothing left of my son but a shell. He then went to live with his father, even though he had always lived with me and his step father. Once there, things got even worse and I do not say it lightly, that every time his bio-dad called, I feared he was calling to tell me my son had taken his life. He started skipping school and had 42 absences for 1 yr. I was 2 hours away from him; it was devastating for us. His dad was not concerned. My husband and I never gave up; we continued to keep in close contact with the school. I started emailing every one of his teachers at the end of every week and kept in contact with the secretary on his absences and the counselor regarding his behavior. It gradually started to improve when he knew I was going to keep contacting the school and checking in with him and holding him accountable for his actions, he had to answer for them and he didn't like the confrontation and he gradually learned. Now, he is graduated. He has been with the same girl ( a nice, beautiful, goal-oriented, head of her class girl) for over three years, great driving record so far (only been driving for a year, because of his issues with school, since it is a privilege), enrolled in college for winter semester and has since cut his ridiculously long hair to VERY short, and has been working since he graduated. He was one special treat after another. After obsessing over electronics of any kind, now he could care less. I firmly believe that though him and I were always close, he still had issues with his dad and I not being to together. My son is a very sensitive child and he too would cry often. He was missing something that no medication or therapy could fix for him. He made a lot of bad choices and the fear I had of him commiting suicide was very real. I honestly have seen him so sad, I didn't think I would see another birthday for him at that time. He went to a facility, forced by court and I can tell you, he didn't care-until it happened. My son, for whatever reason, I feel, was continuously testing me to make sure I was still paying attention. I think for him, he was realizing the unconditional love didn't exist on his father's end and he needed to constantly put me in a situation where I had to prove that to him so that he could see it and feel it. I wouldn't say the facility itself was good or bad for him and I worried that it would make things much worse, but things didn't get worse and it helped him see that yup, mom still loves me and he slowly has learned to trust more. He was no easy task getting him safely to 18, but he is there and he is happy to be going to college on his own terms. Being "bad", was his way of forcing me to prove my unconditional love for him on a continous basis. I love him and he no longer doubts. I tell him all the time, I can't wait to see what awesome things he does with his life. Please, I am not trying to sound like I know exactly how you feel and don't worry because everything will be wonderful, because we are all different and feel things differently, but the hours of worry and the barrels of tears I have spilled were very real, as were his feelings at that time. Now, he is secure and no amount of therapy fixed that for him, but he went because I said he had to and he had to because I cared. Take care and I hope things will start getting better. [/QUOTE]
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