Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Daughter Homeless Again...I Cant Help Her...Feeling Guilty.
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 674907" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Our son has done similar things. Nothing so terrible as to say we were dead to him. Things like telling us we did not deserve to be called mom or dad and so, calling us only by our first names. Other, similar things. This is a really hard thing, what is happening to our kids. It hurts so much and we don't know how to do this. For us, admitting that was the first step toward regaining our equilibrium. </p><p></p><p>These things that are happening really tear us up inside.</p><p></p><p>They are happening. Nothing we do seems to make any difference. Things somehow get unimaginably worse. The kids keep demanding money, or they demand that we take them in when we have already taken them in so many times that we know that is not the answer <em>for their own sakes.</em></p><p></p><p><em>That turns out to have been the key. For their own sakes.</em></p><p></p><p>What is it that is best for an adult child who will not take responsibility for their own lives? That is the essence of our dilemma. Not whether the kids have money or a place to live. We could send money. We could rent a room or have them home, but those things we might do are not answers to what is happening to that adult daughter or son that we love and whose behaviors we don't understand.</p><p></p><p>To me, the answer was that as my child was not behaving as other children do, I needed to find a different way to parent. Detachment theory helped me with this, but we need to take it one step further I think, to be able to survive detachment parenting. We need to see that helping our kids has been the very thing that made it possible for them to continue using drugs or to engage in other hurtful behaviors. That sounds really easy, but it is a huge piece. Before we can believe it in our hearts, we need to be able to let go of responsibility for the ways our childrens' lives have collapsed into a place where they cannot keep a job, or keep a roof over their heads or enjoy their lives.</p><p></p><p>That is all we want for them, when you get right down to it. To have happy lives.</p><p></p><p>How do we change our responses to them to help them take responsibility for themselves. </p><p></p><p>There came a time when our son already seemed to hate us so much that whether we all ever recovered from that or not was a back burner issue. Once I could see it in light of freeing him from dependence on us so that he could, or would be forced to, take his life into his own hands, then I could be stronger enough to make it through the night when we said: No money. No you cannot come home. I love you. We love you. No money.</p><p></p><p>I even told my kids that we were practicing a new kind of parenting called detachment theory parenting.</p><p></p><p>It has been very hard.</p><p></p><p>Especially with a daughter, it is very hard.</p><p></p><p>But it helped my kids, MommaRN. I think it helped my kids. We are still in the thick of it in many ways, but believing not only that they were responsible for where they were taking their lives, but that they were smart and strong enough to take them in better directions helped them to believe it, too.</p><p></p><p>I think that is key.</p><p></p><p>If we keep having them move home, if we keep being the last resort for money or food or whatever it is, it seems to me that the kids tell whatever story it is that will get us to take responsibility for them. What they need to do instead or trusting that we will help if the story is bad enough is believe that they can help themselves, however bad the story is.</p><p></p><p>They cannot grow into adult people as long as they are dependent on their parents in the ways small children are dependent on their parents.</p><p></p><p>I am explaining how I was able to hang in there with detachment parenting the best way I know. I am not trying to say that any of it is easy. All of this is impossibly hard.</p><p></p><p>But if we begin to say no consistently, if we tell the kids that we are sorry this is happening but we know they are bright and strong and they will be fine, then they believe too, that they can change their lives.</p><p></p><p>I remember when I first found the site. I was so hurt and confused and felt so guilty, too. But none of those things were helping my children. Those feelings were definitely destroying me. My best answer was to post here, and to learn from the other parents, and to know that what was happening to me and to my family was a really, really hard thing.</p><p></p><p>There is no easy answer.</p><p></p><p>Sometimes, there is no answer.</p><p></p><p>None of this is easy. It is worse for us at the holidays. Somehow, we need to create little moments of happiness for ourselves and our people. We can be stronger, if we remember to look for some happy thing. It can be anything. A bird outside our window, maybe. Just that one minute of happy thinking can break the chain of darkness we fall into when things are so hard, with our families.</p><p></p><p>Holding you in my thoughts, MommaRN.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 674907, member: 17461"] Our son has done similar things. Nothing so terrible as to say we were dead to him. Things like telling us we did not deserve to be called mom or dad and so, calling us only by our first names. Other, similar things. This is a really hard thing, what is happening to our kids. It hurts so much and we don't know how to do this. For us, admitting that was the first step toward regaining our equilibrium. These things that are happening really tear us up inside. They are happening. Nothing we do seems to make any difference. Things somehow get unimaginably worse. The kids keep demanding money, or they demand that we take them in when we have already taken them in so many times that we know that is not the answer [I]for their own sakes.[/I] [I]That turns out to have been the key. For their own sakes.[/I] What is it that is best for an adult child who will not take responsibility for their own lives? That is the essence of our dilemma. Not whether the kids have money or a place to live. We could send money. We could rent a room or have them home, but those things we might do are not answers to what is happening to that adult daughter or son that we love and whose behaviors we don't understand. To me, the answer was that as my child was not behaving as other children do, I needed to find a different way to parent. Detachment theory helped me with this, but we need to take it one step further I think, to be able to survive detachment parenting. We need to see that helping our kids has been the very thing that made it possible for them to continue using drugs or to engage in other hurtful behaviors. That sounds really easy, but it is a huge piece. Before we can believe it in our hearts, we need to be able to let go of responsibility for the ways our childrens' lives have collapsed into a place where they cannot keep a job, or keep a roof over their heads or enjoy their lives. That is all we want for them, when you get right down to it. To have happy lives. How do we change our responses to them to help them take responsibility for themselves. There came a time when our son already seemed to hate us so much that whether we all ever recovered from that or not was a back burner issue. Once I could see it in light of freeing him from dependence on us so that he could, or would be forced to, take his life into his own hands, then I could be stronger enough to make it through the night when we said: No money. No you cannot come home. I love you. We love you. No money. I even told my kids that we were practicing a new kind of parenting called detachment theory parenting. It has been very hard. Especially with a daughter, it is very hard. But it helped my kids, MommaRN. I think it helped my kids. We are still in the thick of it in many ways, but believing not only that they were responsible for where they were taking their lives, but that they were smart and strong enough to take them in better directions helped them to believe it, too. I think that is key. If we keep having them move home, if we keep being the last resort for money or food or whatever it is, it seems to me that the kids tell whatever story it is that will get us to take responsibility for them. What they need to do instead or trusting that we will help if the story is bad enough is believe that they can help themselves, however bad the story is. They cannot grow into adult people as long as they are dependent on their parents in the ways small children are dependent on their parents. I am explaining how I was able to hang in there with detachment parenting the best way I know. I am not trying to say that any of it is easy. All of this is impossibly hard. But if we begin to say no consistently, if we tell the kids that we are sorry this is happening but we know they are bright and strong and they will be fine, then they believe too, that they can change their lives. I remember when I first found the site. I was so hurt and confused and felt so guilty, too. But none of those things were helping my children. Those feelings were definitely destroying me. My best answer was to post here, and to learn from the other parents, and to know that what was happening to me and to my family was a really, really hard thing. There is no easy answer. Sometimes, there is no answer. None of this is easy. It is worse for us at the holidays. Somehow, we need to create little moments of happiness for ourselves and our people. We can be stronger, if we remember to look for some happy thing. It can be anything. A bird outside our window, maybe. Just that one minute of happy thinking can break the chain of darkness we fall into when things are so hard, with our families. Holding you in my thoughts, MommaRN. Cedar [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Daughter Homeless Again...I Cant Help Her...Feeling Guilty.
Top