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Daughter in abusive relationship
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 735294" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>I agree. The problem is that your daughter is making a choice to return to her abusive boyfriend. </p><p>That is hard enough for a mother to witness, as well as be involved with violent altercations.</p><p>I encourage counseling for you Wish, because this is very tough stuff to deal with. A counselor versed in DV, could help you find local resources, as well as provide comfort and ways for you to deal with your daughters choices, as well as suggestions to keep you safe.</p><p>There is no telling what an abusive, violent person is capable of, not only to our loved ones, but their protectors as well.</p><p>I understand that tough love does not work on abuse victims. I closed the revolving door to my home and encouraged my daughter to seek help in a DV shelter. I do not consider that tough love, it is truth. The safety and well being of all family members is important. I had a unique situation with my daughter, due to drug use and grandchildren involved. My husband and I tried many, many times to provide safe haven, to no avail. I took my daughter to get TRO's, several times. My experience is not one of a DV counselor, or worker, but first hand of a mother and grandmother. Believe me, the grief of this is all consuming; relief when my daughter sought ways to escape the madness, helping her, then complete and utter dismay when she went back. She would roll her eyes and become angry at me, for my objections. "You are just making it worse for me Mom, <em>stay out of it</em>."</p><p>Dismay is not a strong enough word for that emotional roller coaster.</p><p>Rinse repeat, over and over again.</p><p>My dilemma is and was, that I have a young son that I am responsible for. He was first hand witness to many violent episodes. This is traumatic for anyone to experience, and we were all dragged into the violence <em>far too many times</em>. </p><p>Yes, it is imperative that victims of abuse know they are loved and have a safe haven. </p><p><em>There are safe havens. But, in my first hand experience, our homes are not.</em></p><p> My home was not a safe haven. It was far too easy for my daughters boyfriend to come to my house, which of course, <em>he knew the location and was the first place he would come looking</em>. It was far too easy for him to turn his violence against<em> us. </em>By the hand of God, we are still here. The episodes we witnessed and endured, are too graphic to write of.</p><p>In this, I began to look at my daughters relationship as a sort of addiction. I could not control her choice to return, neither could I persuade her to seek help. In the same way an addictive person will endanger their health for drug use, a victim will return to their abusers. </p><p>So what is one to do?</p><p>I understand that a person who has worked trying to help victims of abuse, would encourage family members to stay involved and provide refuge. The problem with this, is, <em>it endangers everyone involved. </em></p><p>For certain, let your daughter know how much you love her and that she does not deserve to be treated badly. Research and keep handy a list of DV shelters that she can go to. When she is willing, get and keep copies of her important documents, so if she has to flee in a hurry, she knows that you have her information. Keep a bag of clothes for her, and if she has to leave, you can meet her in a public place with her belongings and help her get to a shelter.</p><p><em>These are things you can do </em>to ease her mind and yours. </p><p>There are far too many stories now a days of people in a fit of rage harming their victims and family members who shelter them.</p><p>I am sorry, that is a harsh statement, but true.</p><p>Swot, your daughters friends story is important, the big difference being, that she is <em>ready to leave. </em></p><p>Wish's daughter is in the back and forth stage. </p><p>This is agonizing for a mother to endure.</p><p>Our safety and well being matters, too.</p><p>Our being able to hold it together, while facing the fear of what may be, matters.</p><p>That is why I will keep encouraging counseling for you, Wish. </p><p>This stuff can cause PTSD, and make it difficult to live our own lives. </p><p>It is important to strengthen ourselves and keep our own heads above water.</p><p>I don't mean to offend anyone by my comments. </p><p>It is horrific to live through for a mother. </p><p>Every single situation is unique. </p><p>We are not counselors, just folks who have lived through similar journeys, or know of people who have. While it is good for you to be able to vent here, and to receive opinions and suggestions of others, please take steps to seek professional help for you. </p><p>As a mother who has walked this road, it helped me tremendously to have a one on one with a therapist.</p><p>I think it is also an example to our daughters that when we need help to sort through difficult situations, <em>we seek it. </em></p><p>My heart goes out to you.</p><p>(((HUGS)))</p><p>Leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 735294, member: 19522"] I agree. The problem is that your daughter is making a choice to return to her abusive boyfriend. That is hard enough for a mother to witness, as well as be involved with violent altercations. I encourage counseling for you Wish, because this is very tough stuff to deal with. A counselor versed in DV, could help you find local resources, as well as provide comfort and ways for you to deal with your daughters choices, as well as suggestions to keep you safe. There is no telling what an abusive, violent person is capable of, not only to our loved ones, but their protectors as well. I understand that tough love does not work on abuse victims. I closed the revolving door to my home and encouraged my daughter to seek help in a DV shelter. I do not consider that tough love, it is truth. The safety and well being of all family members is important. I had a unique situation with my daughter, due to drug use and grandchildren involved. My husband and I tried many, many times to provide safe haven, to no avail. I took my daughter to get TRO's, several times. My experience is not one of a DV counselor, or worker, but first hand of a mother and grandmother. Believe me, the grief of this is all consuming; relief when my daughter sought ways to escape the madness, helping her, then complete and utter dismay when she went back. She would roll her eyes and become angry at me, for my objections. "You are just making it worse for me Mom, [I]stay out of it[/I]." Dismay is not a strong enough word for that emotional roller coaster. Rinse repeat, over and over again. My dilemma is and was, that I have a young son that I am responsible for. He was first hand witness to many violent episodes. This is traumatic for anyone to experience, and we were all dragged into the violence [I]far too many times[/I]. Yes, it is imperative that victims of abuse know they are loved and have a safe haven. [I]There are safe havens. But, in my first hand experience, our homes are not.[/I] My home was not a safe haven. It was far too easy for my daughters boyfriend to come to my house, which of course, [I]he knew the location and was the first place he would come looking[/I]. It was far too easy for him to turn his violence against[I] us. [/I]By the hand of God, we are still here. The episodes we witnessed and endured, are too graphic to write of. In this, I began to look at my daughters relationship as a sort of addiction. I could not control her choice to return, neither could I persuade her to seek help. In the same way an addictive person will endanger their health for drug use, a victim will return to their abusers. So what is one to do? I understand that a person who has worked trying to help victims of abuse, would encourage family members to stay involved and provide refuge. The problem with this, is, [I]it endangers everyone involved. [/I] For certain, let your daughter know how much you love her and that she does not deserve to be treated badly. Research and keep handy a list of DV shelters that she can go to. When she is willing, get and keep copies of her important documents, so if she has to flee in a hurry, she knows that you have her information. Keep a bag of clothes for her, and if she has to leave, you can meet her in a public place with her belongings and help her get to a shelter. [I]These are things you can do [/I]to ease her mind and yours. There are far too many stories now a days of people in a fit of rage harming their victims and family members who shelter them. I am sorry, that is a harsh statement, but true. Swot, your daughters friends story is important, the big difference being, that she is [I]ready to leave. [/I] Wish's daughter is in the back and forth stage. This is agonizing for a mother to endure. Our safety and well being matters, too. Our being able to hold it together, while facing the fear of what may be, matters. That is why I will keep encouraging counseling for you, Wish. This stuff can cause PTSD, and make it difficult to live our own lives. It is important to strengthen ourselves and keep our own heads above water. I don't mean to offend anyone by my comments. It is horrific to live through for a mother. Every single situation is unique. We are not counselors, just folks who have lived through similar journeys, or know of people who have. While it is good for you to be able to vent here, and to receive opinions and suggestions of others, please take steps to seek professional help for you. As a mother who has walked this road, it helped me tremendously to have a one on one with a therapist. I think it is also an example to our daughters that when we need help to sort through difficult situations, [I]we seek it. [/I] My heart goes out to you. (((HUGS))) Leafy [/QUOTE]
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