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Daughter is homeless
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 734542" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Welcome Nora. I'm so sorry for your struggles with your daughter.</p><p></p><p>Your story is not uncommon on this forum, you'll find understanding, compassion and support with our members. We understand the heartbreak, fear, anger, resentment, worry, guilt, shame.... all of it. It is not an easy path when our adult kids go off the rails, for whatever reason.....we suffer devastating heartache.</p><p></p><p>We are all powerless to change anyone, including our children. The choices they make, often poor, dangerous, skewered and mostly not well thought out, keep them and us stuck in a hamster wheel where nobody wins. Most of the time, we are the ones who need to jump out of the wheel.</p><p></p><p>The anxiety and stress you feel, we all feel, comes out of the powerlessness and complete lack of control we have in their lives.......and the profound fear of what will happen to them if we aren't there to save them. We are only reacting to their bad choices over and over again. We can't change anything, fix anything, control anything, nor are we responsible for any of it. But we're compelled to stay on the sidelines watching their lives spiral out of control along with our well being.</p><p></p><p>It's a pattern which doesn't work, but we all try. We need to learn a different way to respond to their dramatic lives. How most of us do that is by a lot of support. Here are some options: Get yourself in to therapy with someone who is versed in substance abuse/codependency issues. You can begin that process by finding therapist's names in your area. Here are 2 sites which may assist with that: goodtherapy.org and The Psychology Today website. Find a support group of some kind like Al Anon, Families Anonymous or Narc Anon, many members here find much solace and information in these environments. Read Codependent no More by Melodie Beattie. Read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here. Take the focus off of your daughter and put it on YOU. When we've been in this battle for a long time, we are depleted, exhausted and filled with anxiety and stress, as you are right now. We have to get off of that track immediately and begin to practice self care. Self care meaning attending to your needs and desires first, as the priority. Most of us had forgotten ourselves completely as we were too busy putting out the fires in our kids lives.</p><p></p><p>You have to shift out of this because your daughter is going to make whatever choices she makes, she's an adult. You can't wait until she changes, you have to do it yourself, now. You have absolutely no control over what she does. But you have control over your responses to her and how you care for yourself.</p><p></p><p>As you focus on your own needs and get support to learn how to set strong boundaries and detach from your daughter's behaviors and choices, you'll learn that you can have a quality of life which is not dependent on what your daughter does or doesn't do. I understand that sounds bizarre from where you stand today, however, it is possible to learn how to accept what you can't change and still have a life with peace. It will take you making the internal choice to put yourself first and go down that path to find support for YOU.</p><p></p><p>You matter. Your life matters. Sometimes in all of the turmoil and fear, we forget that. You're not alone, we know what it feels like. We get it. Take care of you now......nurture and nourish yourself......you'll find that anxiety and stress level will diminish considerably with support and self care. I'm glad you're here. Hang in there. Keep posting, it helps.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 734542, member: 13542"] Welcome Nora. I'm so sorry for your struggles with your daughter. Your story is not uncommon on this forum, you'll find understanding, compassion and support with our members. We understand the heartbreak, fear, anger, resentment, worry, guilt, shame.... all of it. It is not an easy path when our adult kids go off the rails, for whatever reason.....we suffer devastating heartache. We are all powerless to change anyone, including our children. The choices they make, often poor, dangerous, skewered and mostly not well thought out, keep them and us stuck in a hamster wheel where nobody wins. Most of the time, we are the ones who need to jump out of the wheel. The anxiety and stress you feel, we all feel, comes out of the powerlessness and complete lack of control we have in their lives.......and the profound fear of what will happen to them if we aren't there to save them. We are only reacting to their bad choices over and over again. We can't change anything, fix anything, control anything, nor are we responsible for any of it. But we're compelled to stay on the sidelines watching their lives spiral out of control along with our well being. It's a pattern which doesn't work, but we all try. We need to learn a different way to respond to their dramatic lives. How most of us do that is by a lot of support. Here are some options: Get yourself in to therapy with someone who is versed in substance abuse/codependency issues. You can begin that process by finding therapist's names in your area. Here are 2 sites which may assist with that: goodtherapy.org and The Psychology Today website. Find a support group of some kind like Al Anon, Families Anonymous or Narc Anon, many members here find much solace and information in these environments. Read Codependent no More by Melodie Beattie. Read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here. Take the focus off of your daughter and put it on YOU. When we've been in this battle for a long time, we are depleted, exhausted and filled with anxiety and stress, as you are right now. We have to get off of that track immediately and begin to practice self care. Self care meaning attending to your needs and desires first, as the priority. Most of us had forgotten ourselves completely as we were too busy putting out the fires in our kids lives. You have to shift out of this because your daughter is going to make whatever choices she makes, she's an adult. You can't wait until she changes, you have to do it yourself, now. You have absolutely no control over what she does. But you have control over your responses to her and how you care for yourself. As you focus on your own needs and get support to learn how to set strong boundaries and detach from your daughter's behaviors and choices, you'll learn that you can have a quality of life which is not dependent on what your daughter does or doesn't do. I understand that sounds bizarre from where you stand today, however, it is possible to learn how to accept what you can't change and still have a life with peace. It will take you making the internal choice to put yourself first and go down that path to find support for YOU. You matter. Your life matters. Sometimes in all of the turmoil and fear, we forget that. You're not alone, we know what it feels like. We get it. Take care of you now......nurture and nourish yourself......you'll find that anxiety and stress level will diminish considerably with support and self care. I'm glad you're here. Hang in there. Keep posting, it helps. [/QUOTE]
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