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Daughter is now homeless
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 673514" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Kim, welcome to our little corner of the world.</p><p></p><p>This is an anonymous site so you may want to take the picture down and if that is your real name, you may want to create a screen name. </p><p></p><p>You have done everything,<em> you have done enough,</em> you do not need to keep helping your daughter. Your daughter's life is her own now, you've done what most of us here do, which is everything we can think of to help, until we recognize that <u>none of it helped at all</u>, in fact, our enabling has had a negative impact.</p><p></p><p>When we stop the enabling, the reaction your daughter is having is a common one, they turn on us, they manipulate us so that we will continue with the help. All the blame and accusations are to get the desired result, that you continue to be responsible for her life. </p><p></p><p>It sounds as if it is time to let go. I have a 42 year old daughter who I used to help as you have done with your daughter. It did no good at all. Once I stopped, our relationship improved. Her lifestyle didn't change much, but she stopped blaming and manipulating me because we were both clear that that was not going to work anymore.</p><p></p><p>You cannot change or control your daughter, but you can control your responses. My experience is that it is very hard to do that alone. Counseling, 12 step groups, Al anon, parent groups, whatever support you can find will help this struggle diminish for you. We need support to stop the runaway train of helping that most of us get entrenched in. </p><p></p><p>Keep posting, get support, know that you have done enough now. You are not alone, we are all here for you, we've been in your shoes. </p><p></p><p>You may want to read some books to help you. Codependent no more by Melodie Beattie, The power of now by Eckhart Tolle, Living with uncertainty by Pema Chodron were helpful to me. </p><p></p><p>It is exhausting to continue trying to save someone who is not interested in being saved........and it doesn't work. Your daughter will change when she decides to do so<em> not because of anything you have done or will think to do</em>. You will likely need to let go and allow her to experience the natural consequences of her behavior......and I know how difficult that is, but it is the only way our kids learn to grab the reins of their own lives...........</p><p></p><p>Hang in there. We're here if you need us. Focus on yourself and enjoy your day today........</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 673514, member: 13542"] Kim, welcome to our little corner of the world. This is an anonymous site so you may want to take the picture down and if that is your real name, you may want to create a screen name. You have done everything,[I] you have done enough,[/I] you do not need to keep helping your daughter. Your daughter's life is her own now, you've done what most of us here do, which is everything we can think of to help, until we recognize that [U]none of it helped at all[/U], in fact, our enabling has had a negative impact. When we stop the enabling, the reaction your daughter is having is a common one, they turn on us, they manipulate us so that we will continue with the help. All the blame and accusations are to get the desired result, that you continue to be responsible for her life. It sounds as if it is time to let go. I have a 42 year old daughter who I used to help as you have done with your daughter. It did no good at all. Once I stopped, our relationship improved. Her lifestyle didn't change much, but she stopped blaming and manipulating me because we were both clear that that was not going to work anymore. You cannot change or control your daughter, but you can control your responses. My experience is that it is very hard to do that alone. Counseling, 12 step groups, Al anon, parent groups, whatever support you can find will help this struggle diminish for you. We need support to stop the runaway train of helping that most of us get entrenched in. Keep posting, get support, know that you have done enough now. You are not alone, we are all here for you, we've been in your shoes. You may want to read some books to help you. Codependent no more by Melodie Beattie, The power of now by Eckhart Tolle, Living with uncertainty by Pema Chodron were helpful to me. It is exhausting to continue trying to save someone who is not interested in being saved........and it doesn't work. Your daughter will change when she decides to do so[I] not because of anything you have done or will think to do[/I]. You will likely need to let go and allow her to experience the natural consequences of her behavior......and I know how difficult that is, but it is the only way our kids learn to grab the reins of their own lives........... Hang in there. We're here if you need us. Focus on yourself and enjoy your day today........ [/QUOTE]
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