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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 713521" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>I would think hard about whether to talk to him because he is unlikely to be nice unless you are willing to do what he wants. I learned not to treat myself with disrespect. What do you want to get out of this talk? Are you likely to achieve this?</p><p></p><p>Most of these adult children who bring us here have abused us and wrongfully blamed us for everything bad in their lives. Do you think this son is capable of being reasonable and nice and concillatory? His past behavior gives you that answer.</p><p></p><p> If he is only nice to you if you do what he demands, do you feel he will honestly change how he behaves by your kind desire to put water under the bridge? He said terrible things to you. Is he willing to apologize or is it just you? I would ask for an apology.</p><p></p><p>He sounds very childish and, yes, like many of our adult children he serms....mean. He is 29. Time to act at least like a normal twelve year old. Can he stop the emotional abuse? Will he?</p><p></p><p>I believe most extermely demanding and difficlt adult offspring see our backing down as a sign of weakness that they can exploit. Nice adult kids who are reasonable do not bring us here. Your son sounds very capable of more abuse.</p><p></p><p>Having said that, you know your son best. Only you know if he is capable of being civil to you even if you dont do what he asks of you. The decision in my opinion should be based on his personality. Talking nicely doesnt work well or get us to where we want to be with many of our difficult loved ones. In fact they use it against us alot.</p><p></p><p>To reconcile if were me (and I demanded this of my difficult adult child) his part would have to be zero abuse of me on the phone, in texts, and on social media. I will not engage him at all if he is in any way abusive. He knows this and has backed down. A lot.</p><p></p><p>I would have a lot of trouble embracing my son if he wrote on social media what your son did unless he apoligized sincerely.</p><p></p><p>Your son working out so much may be a sign of body dysmorphia...kind oflike female anorexia. Maybe he is narcicistic and can not do anything except use people. This will make him toxic to everyone he knows. Even our adult children can commit verbal and physical abuse. Most adult kids of almost 30 do not beat up on Mom because they are unhappy. This is domestic abuse. What if your spouse spoke to you like him?</p><p></p><p>It is not your fault your son wont see a counsellor. My son uses me as one too but I limit how much i talk to him and one abusive word and i hang up and make him wait three days before i will answer his calls. I do not reach out to him after he is abusive and if he calls he must apoligize to talk to be allowed to talk to me. He is much nicer to me now that I wont take much crapola from him. Much. And it is on my terms. I feel more empowered than when I just took it.</p><p></p><p>What do you think your son will do if you offer that dialogue you suggested or set a boundary of zero tolerance toward abuse of you, verbal or otherwise? Have you tried it before?Why hasnt HE reached out? So much to think about in my opinion...good luck!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 713521, member: 1550"] I would think hard about whether to talk to him because he is unlikely to be nice unless you are willing to do what he wants. I learned not to treat myself with disrespect. What do you want to get out of this talk? Are you likely to achieve this? Most of these adult children who bring us here have abused us and wrongfully blamed us for everything bad in their lives. Do you think this son is capable of being reasonable and nice and concillatory? His past behavior gives you that answer. If he is only nice to you if you do what he demands, do you feel he will honestly change how he behaves by your kind desire to put water under the bridge? He said terrible things to you. Is he willing to apologize or is it just you? I would ask for an apology. He sounds very childish and, yes, like many of our adult children he serms....mean. He is 29. Time to act at least like a normal twelve year old. Can he stop the emotional abuse? Will he? I believe most extermely demanding and difficlt adult offspring see our backing down as a sign of weakness that they can exploit. Nice adult kids who are reasonable do not bring us here. Your son sounds very capable of more abuse. Having said that, you know your son best. Only you know if he is capable of being civil to you even if you dont do what he asks of you. The decision in my opinion should be based on his personality. Talking nicely doesnt work well or get us to where we want to be with many of our difficult loved ones. In fact they use it against us alot. To reconcile if were me (and I demanded this of my difficult adult child) his part would have to be zero abuse of me on the phone, in texts, and on social media. I will not engage him at all if he is in any way abusive. He knows this and has backed down. A lot. I would have a lot of trouble embracing my son if he wrote on social media what your son did unless he apoligized sincerely. Your son working out so much may be a sign of body dysmorphia...kind oflike female anorexia. Maybe he is narcicistic and can not do anything except use people. This will make him toxic to everyone he knows. Even our adult children can commit verbal and physical abuse. Most adult kids of almost 30 do not beat up on Mom because they are unhappy. This is domestic abuse. What if your spouse spoke to you like him? It is not your fault your son wont see a counsellor. My son uses me as one too but I limit how much i talk to him and one abusive word and i hang up and make him wait three days before i will answer his calls. I do not reach out to him after he is abusive and if he calls he must apoligize to talk to be allowed to talk to me. He is much nicer to me now that I wont take much crapola from him. Much. And it is on my terms. I feel more empowered than when I just took it. What do you think your son will do if you offer that dialogue you suggested or set a boundary of zero tolerance toward abuse of you, verbal or otherwise? Have you tried it before?Why hasnt HE reached out? So much to think about in my opinion...good luck! [/QUOTE]
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