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Dealing with desperation
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<blockquote data-quote="Tanya M" data-source="post: 730149" data-attributes="member: 18516"><p>Welcome to our little corner of the world. I'm glad you found us here. Within these pages are years of sage advice from battle weary parents.</p><p>The others that have posted have given you great advice.</p><p>At 31 we would like to think a person would be responsible for themselves. When it comes to our adult difficult children it's a different world for sure.</p><p>There is a fine line between helping and enabling. Helping is when the other person is truly working at getting their life together and they just need a little bit here and there, they also are humbled and grateful. Enabling is doing for someone that which they should be doing for themselves. Enabling is a very unhealthy thing to do. When we enable we deprive the person of their own growing pains. It is through life's struggles that we grow and mature.</p><p>I totally get it and I know how hard it can be. My son is currently in prison, before that he was homeless. I have had him contact me telling me that I needed to help him or he would starve to death. Yes, it tore me up but I had to be strong and tell him no! I told him to get to a shelter and they would help him. My son has begged many times over the years for help. I spent many of them enabling him. The only thing that accomplished was draining my energy and bank account.</p><p>I finally had to come to a place of acceptance that my son was going to live his life on his terms and I could no longer be there to rescue him when times got tough. I looked years down the road and did not want to see myself at 80 with a 60 year old son still begging for help.</p><p>I do hope you will share all these posts with your wife. I think it will help her to know there are many mothers out here that have struggled with the heartache and guilt. I hope she can see there is a place beyond that. I hope she can see it's okay to tell him no. </p><p>Give him names and numbers of shelters. Tell him you love him but he needs to figure it out on his own.</p><p>Ultimately you can only do what you can live with. None of this is easy.</p><p>Please let us know how things go. We care!!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Tanya M, post: 730149, member: 18516"] Welcome to our little corner of the world. I'm glad you found us here. Within these pages are years of sage advice from battle weary parents. The others that have posted have given you great advice. At 31 we would like to think a person would be responsible for themselves. When it comes to our adult difficult children it's a different world for sure. There is a fine line between helping and enabling. Helping is when the other person is truly working at getting their life together and they just need a little bit here and there, they also are humbled and grateful. Enabling is doing for someone that which they should be doing for themselves. Enabling is a very unhealthy thing to do. When we enable we deprive the person of their own growing pains. It is through life's struggles that we grow and mature. I totally get it and I know how hard it can be. My son is currently in prison, before that he was homeless. I have had him contact me telling me that I needed to help him or he would starve to death. Yes, it tore me up but I had to be strong and tell him no! I told him to get to a shelter and they would help him. My son has begged many times over the years for help. I spent many of them enabling him. The only thing that accomplished was draining my energy and bank account. I finally had to come to a place of acceptance that my son was going to live his life on his terms and I could no longer be there to rescue him when times got tough. I looked years down the road and did not want to see myself at 80 with a 60 year old son still begging for help. I do hope you will share all these posts with your wife. I think it will help her to know there are many mothers out here that have struggled with the heartache and guilt. I hope she can see there is a place beyond that. I hope she can see it's okay to tell him no. Give him names and numbers of shelters. Tell him you love him but he needs to figure it out on his own. Ultimately you can only do what you can live with. None of this is easy. Please let us know how things go. We care!! [/QUOTE]
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