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Dealing With Difficult Children During Covid-19
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 756735" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>My son would do this too.</p><p></p><p>I don't have answers. But let me try....</p><p></p><p>Our children do love us. And they are in touch with those feelings fleetingly. I think each of us has within our psyche poles or opposites. For example, our kids struggle between dependency and independence. Their independence shows up unfortunately in their motivation to keep living in the ways that cause us so much stress and pain. Their dependency shows up in reaching out to us to get their needs met, principally through manipulation or bullying.</p><p></p><p>I think they hate their dependency on us. And it may be that this dependency even fuels to some extent their self-destructive and destructive lifestyle. When we don't immediately cave to their manipulation (to take care of them) they get angry rather than feel their dependency. </p><p></p><p>Anger is a screen emotion. It's like a pillow we use so that the full brunt of the real feeling which it conceals does not crush us (all of us do this) as there are emotions all of us experience as too painful and threatening to feel.</p><p></p><p>Let me put it another way. Your son, Albatross, wants to be able to depend upon you to get his needs met. It's the same for all of our children, I think. At the same time, he hates the feeling of dependency. And when immediately you don't give into the manipulation he uses to get his needs met, he distances himself from the feeling of dependence, and punishes you for it, (in his mind) for not acceding to his wishes.</p><p></p><p>I do not believe this is conscious on their part. I believe it's a knee jerk behavior. But the thing is THE EXACTLY RIGHT THING IS TO NOT JUMP TO FIX IT. The only way any of us have to transform ourselves is to FEEL each part of this emotional/behavioral sequence. I am dealing with this in my own life, over emotions and defenses I've long been vulnerable to.</p><p></p><p>I think part of the reason that this is so hard now, in this time of Coronavirus, is not because of our children's vulnerability. It is because the mechanisms of our own, through which we protect ourselves from feelings that make is feel bad and vulnerable, are not so readily available. Our routines. Our diversions. Combined with elevated fear and anxiety, make it so that our usual ways of insulating, protecting ourselves, diverting our attention, our own "pillows" so to speak, don't work so well for us.</p><p></p><p>We're more vulnerable to everything right now. Especially to our children.</p><p></p><p>All I can for my myself is I'm glad my son is in the Sober Living House right now and I'm glad for this thread. Because it's giving me a dry run. To think through and to practice. I don't want contact with my son at all. If he reaches out to me, I will not be available. I will refer him to whatever resource is appropriate, including the emergency room, if need be. That sounds cruel and cold-hearted. I am neither. Right now my responsibility is to myself. I need to stay strong. We all do.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 756735, member: 18958"] My son would do this too. I don't have answers. But let me try.... Our children do love us. And they are in touch with those feelings fleetingly. I think each of us has within our psyche poles or opposites. For example, our kids struggle between dependency and independence. Their independence shows up unfortunately in their motivation to keep living in the ways that cause us so much stress and pain. Their dependency shows up in reaching out to us to get their needs met, principally through manipulation or bullying. I think they hate their dependency on us. And it may be that this dependency even fuels to some extent their self-destructive and destructive lifestyle. When we don't immediately cave to their manipulation (to take care of them) they get angry rather than feel their dependency. Anger is a screen emotion. It's like a pillow we use so that the full brunt of the real feeling which it conceals does not crush us (all of us do this) as there are emotions all of us experience as too painful and threatening to feel. Let me put it another way. Your son, Albatross, wants to be able to depend upon you to get his needs met. It's the same for all of our children, I think. At the same time, he hates the feeling of dependency. And when immediately you don't give into the manipulation he uses to get his needs met, he distances himself from the feeling of dependence, and punishes you for it, (in his mind) for not acceding to his wishes. I do not believe this is conscious on their part. I believe it's a knee jerk behavior. But the thing is THE EXACTLY RIGHT THING IS TO NOT JUMP TO FIX IT. The only way any of us have to transform ourselves is to FEEL each part of this emotional/behavioral sequence. I am dealing with this in my own life, over emotions and defenses I've long been vulnerable to. I think part of the reason that this is so hard now, in this time of Coronavirus, is not because of our children's vulnerability. It is because the mechanisms of our own, through which we protect ourselves from feelings that make is feel bad and vulnerable, are not so readily available. Our routines. Our diversions. Combined with elevated fear and anxiety, make it so that our usual ways of insulating, protecting ourselves, diverting our attention, our own "pillows" so to speak, don't work so well for us. We're more vulnerable to everything right now. Especially to our children. All I can for my myself is I'm glad my son is in the Sober Living House right now and I'm glad for this thread. Because it's giving me a dry run. To think through and to practice. I don't want contact with my son at all. If he reaches out to me, I will not be available. I will refer him to whatever resource is appropriate, including the emergency room, if need be. That sounds cruel and cold-hearted. I am neither. Right now my responsibility is to myself. I need to stay strong. We all do. [/QUOTE]
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