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Dealing With Difficult Children During Covid-19
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 756802" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>There was a song many years ago when I was young. I think by Dusty Springfield. Actually I checked just now. It was Dionne Warwick. The refrain, and probably the title, had the phrase <em>wishin, hopin</em>.</p><p></p><p>Governor Cuomo today is talking today about wishin and hopin. How we would all wish the Coronavirus away. But it can't be. Because we are living in a world of reality. Reality must be coped with, must be faced, and dealt with, and planned for. </p><p></p><p>Our children don't live in reality. They don't face reality. They don't want to. But they force us to live in reality. We must. For them and for us.</p><p></p><p>When I think about it, all of our stories with our children hinge upon this word, <em>if</em>. And it is the word that our children will not accept. They will not accept conditions. They want what they want from us. Without conditions. Without taking responsibility for their behavior or the consequences of that behavior for us or for themselves. They want what they want in their lives without thinking of consequences, what their choices will lead to, do lead to, for us, for themselves. The idea of contingency, that one thing gives rise to the next, or one thing, requires another, is foreign to them.</p><p></p><p>I am struggling with this same thing with my son. Trying to get him to see, that if he does things without thought about what they will lead to, he will continue to destabilize and fall. And it will lead to disaster. And then it will lead to disaster for me. And I cannot bear more disaster. Because it makes me sick. And here in the time of Coronavirus, I can't bear to be destabilized more.</p><p></p><p>It's like our lives with our children become a runaway train, and we are forced to basically torpedo the train because we can't bear what it destroys as it careens out of control. We will just do almost anything to stop the destruction. That's where I am.</p><p>Of course this makes sense.....<em>If.....</em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>But your daughter Chickpea, does not have the concept of...if....</em></p><p>On the contrary, you understand the concept of <em>if</em>. If you give an inch you have a runaway train. That is careening off the tracks. And with that your life and health and sanity are at stake. Your family, the baby, everybody is at risk. Unless your daughter comes to understand <em>if</em>, and take responsibility for it, she is a danger.</p><p></p><p>As I see it, you can't take on responsibility for a runaway train.</p><p></p><p>Of course she would want to be with her child. But she does not ever want to take responsibility for her behavior and choices, for <em>if</em>. Because in this case, <em>if </em>means drama. It means imposing her disordered choices on the family. I means that she does not care about the consequences of <em>if</em>. This makes her a runaway train.</p><p></p><p>Until she is able to take control of that train, and to take into account the consequences to herself and others, she is wishin and hopin. And that's her business. And not yours. Can you take on her wishes, if she does not take responsibility for them?</p><p></p><p>Your business becomes to stop the consequences to you and to your family, of a runaway train.</p><p></p><p>Our children are dangerous to our health. As well as their own. Until they get control. And take responsibility for what they do, for themselves and for us.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 756802, member: 18958"] There was a song many years ago when I was young. I think by Dusty Springfield. Actually I checked just now. It was Dionne Warwick. The refrain, and probably the title, had the phrase [I]wishin, hopin[/I]. Governor Cuomo today is talking today about wishin and hopin. How we would all wish the Coronavirus away. But it can't be. Because we are living in a world of reality. Reality must be coped with, must be faced, and dealt with, and planned for. Our children don't live in reality. They don't face reality. They don't want to. But they force us to live in reality. We must. For them and for us. When I think about it, all of our stories with our children hinge upon this word, [I]if[/I]. And it is the word that our children will not accept. They will not accept conditions. They want what they want from us. Without conditions. Without taking responsibility for their behavior or the consequences of that behavior for us or for themselves. They want what they want in their lives without thinking of consequences, what their choices will lead to, do lead to, for us, for themselves. The idea of contingency, that one thing gives rise to the next, or one thing, requires another, is foreign to them. I am struggling with this same thing with my son. Trying to get him to see, that if he does things without thought about what they will lead to, he will continue to destabilize and fall. And it will lead to disaster. And then it will lead to disaster for me. And I cannot bear more disaster. Because it makes me sick. And here in the time of Coronavirus, I can't bear to be destabilized more. It's like our lives with our children become a runaway train, and we are forced to basically torpedo the train because we can't bear what it destroys as it careens out of control. We will just do almost anything to stop the destruction. That's where I am. Of course this makes sense.....[I]If..... But your daughter Chickpea, does not have the concept of...if....[/I] On the contrary, you understand the concept of [I]if[/I]. If you give an inch you have a runaway train. That is careening off the tracks. And with that your life and health and sanity are at stake. Your family, the baby, everybody is at risk. Unless your daughter comes to understand [I]if[/I], and take responsibility for it, she is a danger. As I see it, you can't take on responsibility for a runaway train. Of course she would want to be with her child. But she does not ever want to take responsibility for her behavior and choices, for [I]if[/I]. Because in this case, [I]if [/I]means drama. It means imposing her disordered choices on the family. I means that she does not care about the consequences of [I]if[/I]. This makes her a runaway train. Until she is able to take control of that train, and to take into account the consequences to herself and others, she is wishin and hopin. And that's her business. And not yours. Can you take on her wishes, if she does not take responsibility for them? Your business becomes to stop the consequences to you and to your family, of a runaway train. Our children are dangerous to our health. As well as their own. Until they get control. And take responsibility for what they do, for themselves and for us. [/QUOTE]
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