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dealing with my feelings about difficult child
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<blockquote data-quote="aeroeng" data-source="post: 366243" data-attributes="member: 6557"><p>It is NOT BAD PARENTING. (Although people contently blame the parents). And yes I beleive it is a disability.</p><p></p><p>Sounds a lot like my son. Wonderful sometimes, extreme explosions and no ability to control his emotions, anger or frustration. Also he only vented it at home, behaving perfectly at school. I asked his teacher once about his behavior. She looked at me with a confused look, this is xxx we are talking about of course his behavior is perfect. Her look said, "why would you even ask?". Mean while I have holes in the walls, bruises on my arms, have called 911 many times, and have gone through a personal hell. I thought, "If you don't know, I'm not going to tell you."</p><p></p><p>His Dr. stated that we should not feel that just because he can hold it together at school that he could hold it together at home. The pressure vent has to pop sometime. I also believe that his primary problem was that he did not have the skills to manage his frustrations. For example: he did not want his brother to touch his computer, yet he also wanted his brother to fix his computer. He did not have the emotional skill to manage this conflicting wants. So he simply gets frustrated and explodes on some minor thing. He also had troubles dealing with things that were not as expected, or things that he thought were not fair. (yet he could be more un-fair related to his brothers then anyone else).</p><p></p><p>The book "The explosive child" helped us the most. Behavior modification techniques only became something else to fight about. In the explosive child the idea is the child would behave well if they knew how to, so rewards and penalty systems won't help. He feel most kids really want to behave, they just don't know how. A reward/penalty systems does nothing to teach then how. The author has a detailed system of finding the problem and talking through it. A therapist we worked with showed us a similar technique called reflection. Where you repeat back what the child is saying or feeling. The child corrects you, you repeat again. Then you state the child's side of the problem and then yours. Then begin the problem solving part. The book states the problem solving part is difficult, but I disagreed. For us stating the problem clearly was the difficult part. After the problem was stated he was smart enough to come up with the solution fairly quickly. The more we did this the better he got at not exploding. </p><p></p><p>It is a good sign that he can apologizes. It took my son several years to get to that point. He is doing much better now. I changed my signature for him from "difficult child" to "recovering difficult child" because he is really trying. I would not tell he coach unless the behavior starts to interfere with his game. The coach is not as likely to understand it. What you want is for him to develop some strategies on what he can do for the next time he strikes out so they are not as unexpected to him. (When he make an apology is the best time to talk about OK next week when ...).</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="aeroeng, post: 366243, member: 6557"] It is NOT BAD PARENTING. (Although people contently blame the parents). And yes I beleive it is a disability. Sounds a lot like my son. Wonderful sometimes, extreme explosions and no ability to control his emotions, anger or frustration. Also he only vented it at home, behaving perfectly at school. I asked his teacher once about his behavior. She looked at me with a confused look, this is xxx we are talking about of course his behavior is perfect. Her look said, "why would you even ask?". Mean while I have holes in the walls, bruises on my arms, have called 911 many times, and have gone through a personal hell. I thought, "If you don't know, I'm not going to tell you." His Dr. stated that we should not feel that just because he can hold it together at school that he could hold it together at home. The pressure vent has to pop sometime. I also believe that his primary problem was that he did not have the skills to manage his frustrations. For example: he did not want his brother to touch his computer, yet he also wanted his brother to fix his computer. He did not have the emotional skill to manage this conflicting wants. So he simply gets frustrated and explodes on some minor thing. He also had troubles dealing with things that were not as expected, or things that he thought were not fair. (yet he could be more un-fair related to his brothers then anyone else). The book "The explosive child" helped us the most. Behavior modification techniques only became something else to fight about. In the explosive child the idea is the child would behave well if they knew how to, so rewards and penalty systems won't help. He feel most kids really want to behave, they just don't know how. A reward/penalty systems does nothing to teach then how. The author has a detailed system of finding the problem and talking through it. A therapist we worked with showed us a similar technique called reflection. Where you repeat back what the child is saying or feeling. The child corrects you, you repeat again. Then you state the child's side of the problem and then yours. Then begin the problem solving part. The book states the problem solving part is difficult, but I disagreed. For us stating the problem clearly was the difficult part. After the problem was stated he was smart enough to come up with the solution fairly quickly. The more we did this the better he got at not exploding. It is a good sign that he can apologizes. It took my son several years to get to that point. He is doing much better now. I changed my signature for him from "difficult child" to "recovering difficult child" because he is really trying. I would not tell he coach unless the behavior starts to interfere with his game. The coach is not as likely to understand it. What you want is for him to develop some strategies on what he can do for the next time he strikes out so they are not as unexpected to him. (When he make an apology is the best time to talk about OK next week when ...). [/QUOTE]
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