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Death in my family + a vent
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<blockquote data-quote="Steely" data-source="post: 458806" data-attributes="member: 3301"><p>Nomad I am struggling, a lot right now, with this very thing. My Dad was not as horrible sounding as your Dad, but he was not Mr Cleaver either. There was abuse, and I always had a huge wall up between he and I. It took me 7 years of therapy to process and forgive. My sister never did. I chose the route of forgiveness over estrangement because <strong>I</strong> wanted the path of peace, and to not perpetuate the hate that already festered in our family. My sister chose the other path, and she and my dad both died without that resolution.</p><p></p><p>I chose to put the last year of my life on hold to be with my Dad as he died, and then help my Mom transition. I thought a lot about this choice in the beginning, and it is very much what I wanted to do - yet now I resent it a little. I am not sure I exactly got what I anticipated from it. I think possibly that I thought that if I sacrificed enough for my Dad. If I just tried harder, and more, than I would be brought closer to him. But that did not happen, nor did I get the acceptance I really craved. Yet the reality was, that at some point, both of us put up walls for different reasons - and those walls never moved - not even at death's door.</p><p></p><p>Now that he is gone however, the walls have crumbled - and I am blindsided by my grief. Like you, I have been completely caught off guard. I find myself deeply missing him - missing the things he <em>did do</em> for me that I just took for granted. Missing all the little happy things he did that I had did not recognize in my effort to keep him walled off from the hurtful things he did.</p><p></p><p>When I lost H. I was so deeply wounded, so eviscerated. I had never known pain like that - ever. I still cry frequently over the loss of my sister. Now with my Dad, it is a different pain, but still deep, I guess just not as devastating, not as immobilizing - but I find myself missing them equally, which I could never have imagined.</p><p></p><p>The other part of this, which I am sure you feel as well, is the feeling that your family is *gone*. By that I do feel immobilized. Without a spouse, and a 20 yo difficult child, I feel very alone. I find myself freaking out over the littlest things that I would not normally have been petrified about - like that something will happen to Tesla. Right now we have a lot of fires here, and the other day I was driving home and saw smoke coming right from my neighborhood. I burst into tears - and ran over and over in my mind what would happen if I lost Tesla - and that maybe I should take her everywhere from now on just in case. And I am obsessed over the well being of my Mom, because if she goes - then that's that. I am the last man standing - and I don't want to be that person - standing all alone without my family.</p><p></p><p>Anyway - know that I understand, <em>completely</em>. Death is the most elusive entity that I have yet to encounter. Before 5 years ago, I was probably that rude person you talked to that said some caddy thing like, "oh he lived a good life though". Those are people that have not lived through death. I had not had anyone die in my life that I loved until my cat was killed 5 years ago. Truly, it was <em>that </em>death that opened my eyes to the gravity of loss. I cried SO much, I thought I had mentally lost it. I loved that cat - more than any animal I had ever had - and the neighbors dog killed him when he was only 3. Then my grandmother died, and then a close friend, and then my sister, and so on....now I feel so guilty for the things I must of said to people who just lost someone. I just did not *get* it. I was naive, and sheltered from that particular type of loss.</p><p></p><p>i send many hugs, and peaceful thoughts your way.........you are not alone.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Steely, post: 458806, member: 3301"] Nomad I am struggling, a lot right now, with this very thing. My Dad was not as horrible sounding as your Dad, but he was not Mr Cleaver either. There was abuse, and I always had a huge wall up between he and I. It took me 7 years of therapy to process and forgive. My sister never did. I chose the route of forgiveness over estrangement because [B]I[/B] wanted the path of peace, and to not perpetuate the hate that already festered in our family. My sister chose the other path, and she and my dad both died without that resolution. I chose to put the last year of my life on hold to be with my Dad as he died, and then help my Mom transition. I thought a lot about this choice in the beginning, and it is very much what I wanted to do - yet now I resent it a little. I am not sure I exactly got what I anticipated from it. I think possibly that I thought that if I sacrificed enough for my Dad. If I just tried harder, and more, than I would be brought closer to him. But that did not happen, nor did I get the acceptance I really craved. Yet the reality was, that at some point, both of us put up walls for different reasons - and those walls never moved - not even at death's door. Now that he is gone however, the walls have crumbled - and I am blindsided by my grief. Like you, I have been completely caught off guard. I find myself deeply missing him - missing the things he [I]did do[/I] for me that I just took for granted. Missing all the little happy things he did that I had did not recognize in my effort to keep him walled off from the hurtful things he did. When I lost H. I was so deeply wounded, so eviscerated. I had never known pain like that - ever. I still cry frequently over the loss of my sister. Now with my Dad, it is a different pain, but still deep, I guess just not as devastating, not as immobilizing - but I find myself missing them equally, which I could never have imagined. The other part of this, which I am sure you feel as well, is the feeling that your family is *gone*. By that I do feel immobilized. Without a spouse, and a 20 yo difficult child, I feel very alone. I find myself freaking out over the littlest things that I would not normally have been petrified about - like that something will happen to Tesla. Right now we have a lot of fires here, and the other day I was driving home and saw smoke coming right from my neighborhood. I burst into tears - and ran over and over in my mind what would happen if I lost Tesla - and that maybe I should take her everywhere from now on just in case. And I am obsessed over the well being of my Mom, because if she goes - then that's that. I am the last man standing - and I don't want to be that person - standing all alone without my family. Anyway - know that I understand, [I]completely[/I]. Death is the most elusive entity that I have yet to encounter. Before 5 years ago, I was probably that rude person you talked to that said some caddy thing like, "oh he lived a good life though". Those are people that have not lived through death. I had not had anyone die in my life that I loved until my cat was killed 5 years ago. Truly, it was [I]that [/I]death that opened my eyes to the gravity of loss. I cried SO much, I thought I had mentally lost it. I loved that cat - more than any animal I had ever had - and the neighbors dog killed him when he was only 3. Then my grandmother died, and then a close friend, and then my sister, and so on....now I feel so guilty for the things I must of said to people who just lost someone. I just did not *get* it. I was naive, and sheltered from that particular type of loss. i send many hugs, and peaceful thoughts your way.........you are not alone. [/QUOTE]
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